Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

[joao2570]

My dh runs a business and at the moment, it needs a lot of attention.

But I need a lot of attention too. 8 days ago I had our second baby, and we have a 1 year old too. We've had issues latching which are just resolving and my one year old has been a bit tearful and clingy.

My dh has not taken 2 weeks paternity leave. His reasoning is he just can't. He said he would do the minimum an hour or so a day but it's been lots more. I've been crying every day because I'm so exhausted and hormonal and I feel exhausted after 2 mins with my one year old.

It's turning into lots of hours here or there that I am alone with both children. Today my 1 year old is at nursery, so dh only had to have him a couple of hours in the morning. He's slept upstairs while I've been up all night with the newborn.

Our one year old woke up early and dh left him to cry and woke up me and newborn. On top of that he wants me to have both for an hour this morning so he can work before he takes 1 year old to nursery.

Im exhausted. I only get his help for 2 weeks and I haven't even got that. I'm ready to leave him as I feel work always comes first. I have 2 little children and I don't want them to feel like this either. When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children. Aibu for just wanting my partner to not work and prioritise us for 2 weeks? I feel like he's ruining my maternity both times with this.

2 very close in age are always going to be tricky, especially when the father you know is like this as he did it the first time.

To be honest it depends on the business, is the household relying fully on the income for it or is your maternity package decent? Is he a sole or does he have staff who could keep things going in his absence? Is the 1 year old in nursery full time?

It sounds like you’re having a tough time but if you left this would be reality 24/7.
It’s hard to comment without knowing the financial state of the business but he may well be feeling pressure too as the sole wage earner especially if he’s self employed.
It’ll become easier when feeding is more established and you can get out and about to groups with baby, especially as your eldest is in nursery.

I sympathise. I found having a baby and toddler incredibly hard.

What is it with these men and their oh so important work? If you were my dd I'd be there helping you and most likely helping you to get shot of him as well.

Was your second child an accident? Its awful timing to have 2 so close together when your dh has to build his business.

I don't see how leaving him is going to sort your problems. Your dc are too young to dump them 50 50 with him and go back to work. He couldn't support you if he worked less.

If you run your own business you don't get the same perks as employees. Holidays and additional leave may not be possible.

I appreciate you are hormonal but you really need to realise your own role in the timing of having 2 young dc and find other ways to get support. Plus if course you're exhausted with a newborn. I'm surprised you forgot given your eldest is only 1. It gets better!!

He's being a massive twat, but honestly when I had my youngest I wasn't in a much too dissimilar situation, I said to him, it's fine, you've been as much use off as me having an extra child. I'll figure it out, as I always do.

I huffed, got on with it, and it took him a very very long time to bond properly with DS.

YNBU

My DH changed jobs one months before I gave birth to my second, he didn’t qualify for any paternity leave.
He was about for the weekend before he left for his job in another city through the week.
it was tough.
You’ll probably get through it though.

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children

Then tell him this. Tell him its non negotiable. He needs to take 2 weeks off.

He sounds incredibly selfish. Could your mum or MIL come and stay or could you go and stay with her.

You need to talk to him. He needs to realise your exhausted.

I'm assuming he cannot just drop work for fear of loosing clients.
Can he employ someone to do some of his job, even pay existing staff over time?

Is your mum or other family able to help you?

If the business needs him now, it's going to be very difficult for him to take time off. Even a day can have a negative impact, two weeks could be the difference between success and failure. Having two babies so close together was a bonkers decision, but you knew after the first one that he would work during the first two weeks. And a lot of women do have to manage on their own with no help.

And what will happen if he abandons your business for 2 weeks op?

If he left you to it the first time, you shouldn't really be surprised he's done it again tbh, but as a business owner, you can't just down tools.

I mean, kindly, you were on to a loser already expecting him to magically be a better dad and husband after the first pregnancy / birth. What were you expecting? Why did have have another child to be ignored by him?

Honestly, if a man isn’t willing to step up during the most crucial time, he isn’t worth hanging into as far as I’m concerned. The only outliner would be money / finances. If he needs to work all hours of the day to pay the bills then he needs to work (but again, why have a child in such a dire situation?).

I’d personally have 1 final, non emotional (difficult in your PP state I know) to lay out the facts on the table. If he doesn’t start pulling his weight and it saying like that then I’d do as pp suggests and go stay with your parents if they’re an option.

But, you can plead until your blue on the face. If he wanted to help he would. Don’t expect him to change imo.

If he really cant take those two weeks off due to work, he should be bending over backwards to make your life easier at every opportunity otherwise, never mind sleeping upstairs!

Well it depends on what type of business he has. If it’s the type that cannot be left for a full two weeks and he doesn’t have the staff to manage it then you are being unreasonable but if it can be managed without him then he is being unreasonable. Hard to say with this information. I second what others say though, get a family member or a short term nanny if money allows it

Lots of replies and thank you to the people who have been supportive.

He has a medium sized business with 50-100 employees. There have been some nasty surprises which means he needs to sort stuff out. We agreed in advance that it would be max 1-2 hours a day when our oldest was at nursery.

Baby arrived earlier than expected and was a surprise - we didn't mean to have them so close together. We had a conversation at the time where we agreed certain things and to continue with the pregnancy. I don't regret my babies and am expecting things to be challenging.

I do think he has very high expectations of me and doesn't get how hard post partum is. I like the idea of paying for help - my mum works full time so isn't able to help and his mum isn't well. Brothers and sisters also have full time jobs/own families so village is small.

I’m sorry but if it’s his own business and at a crucial stage he probably can’t take paternity leave. I doubt it’s selfishness — more acute anxiety with a recession looming and a growing family. And I know how tough it is for you, OP, but you will get through it. I second others’ suggestions that you call on your own friends and family to help if possible.

So knowing what you did, why have a second child with him?

You should have sorted some proper help out while you were pregnant. Running a business with that many people, as if he’d only work 1-2 hours a day with no handover plan in place.

What on earth is the point of all the comments like this in this thread? How do you all think they help?

I can sympathise with both sides really. You will now presumably be on maternity leave for a long while and the only one working is running a business. If he was employed and would get his full salary during the first 2 weeks I could understand that you are pissed off. It's completely different when you are running your own business and you are expected to provide for 4 people. Taking 2 weeks off would mean half a salary but also potential loss of future earnings. It's a scary prospect for most people.

@saraclara thank you for this!
We had a frank and honest conversation and decided we both loved the little peanut and wouldn't get over a termination. That it would be hard but worth it for our children.

Well it sounds like you're both exhausted in different ways, running a business with that many employees when things need sorting is super stressful, as is having 2 very young children. The only solution really is to hire in some help until the business is back on an even keel? I know it's unhelpful but if he was like this last time it should have been obvious things wouldn't be wildly different this time, what were your plans when pregnancy bearing this in mind?

I’m so sorry.

Realistically you can’t do this alone. Until hospitals got so overcrowded, mothers used to stay in hospital for two weeks after the birth. In medieval times it was six weeks. (Yes I know some poor countries have women working soon after birth but those countries also have high death rates, and traditions of relatives helping).

If he won’t look after you and the baby then you need to get other help in. I assume you have no family support. You need to hire a temporary nanny/doula for at least several hours a day so she that you can recover physically and get some sleep.

Don’t ask his permission. Send him an email / anything else in writing. Make it very abrupt and clear, similar to this:
(1) Recovering from childbirth is more serious than major surgery.
(2) If I do not get proper rest to physically recover, I could have physical problems for the rest of my life.
(3) You have made it clear that you refuse to take paternity leave and refuse to look after your children for even an hour a day.
(4) Therefore, I have hired a nanny. Her name is [] and she starts tomorrow for [] hours a day. The cost is £X.

But what practical steps did you agree, to avoid a repeat of last time?