Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

[joao2570]

My dh runs a business and at the moment, it needs a lot of attention.

But I need a lot of attention too. 8 days ago I had our second baby, and we have a 1 year old too. We've had issues latching which are just resolving and my one year old has been a bit tearful and clingy.

My dh has not taken 2 weeks paternity leave. His reasoning is he just can't. He said he would do the minimum an hour or so a day but it's been lots more. I've been crying every day because I'm so exhausted and hormonal and I feel exhausted after 2 mins with my one year old.

It's turning into lots of hours here or there that I am alone with both children. Today my 1 year old is at nursery, so dh only had to have him a couple of hours in the morning. He's slept upstairs while I've been up all night with the newborn.

Our one year old woke up early and dh left him to cry and woke up me and newborn. On top of that he wants me to have both for an hour this morning so he can work before he takes 1 year old to nursery.

Im exhausted. I only get his help for 2 weeks and I haven't even got that. I'm ready to leave him as I feel work always comes first. I have 2 little children and I don't want them to feel like this either. When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children. Aibu for just wanting my partner to not work and prioritise us for 2 weeks? I feel like he's ruining my maternity both times with this.

"If you run your own business, you can't have two weeks off just because your wife has had a baby. Women who marry men who run their own businesses are mad if they think the business is just going to evaporate when it suits them."

My mum ran the family business employing 50 people from her late 20s (when her father died unexpectedly) to her own death a few years ago. She had 3 children during this time- born late 70s/early 80s . She got a manager and more or less always had a manager since. They had their problems at times and sometimes the managers needed babysitting a bit. But overall it worked well. My sister runs the business now- she kept the manager. It's a big staff cost and if you get the wrong one it's a total balls. But a good one is worth it and mum had plenty of time for all of us growing up. We went on holiday for a week every year, before email or mobiles were a thing, and I don't remember her ever going off to make phonecalls during that week.
Mum also had a cleaner for a couple of hours one day a week till we were in our teens.

OP, you said something about nasty surprises in the business. And he has 50-100 employees, for whose livelihoods he is responsible. A reasonable man would not drop that, even temporarily, nor should you want him to.

@Backtobacky I agree that things/ responsibilities are different when you're self employed (I'm self employed myself!) but I meant that a) the two week paternity expectation is now very standard (meaning his clients etc should understand and accept him taking a two week break) and that b) due to being self employed I have so much more flexibility than an employed person would to front-load all my work and organise it around that two-week period just like you would organise work around a long-planned two-week holiday. I'm doing that exact thing myself at the moment, pushing myself to complete all my major projects ahead of our next child's arrival next year and making sure all the various stakeholders are aware I'll be taking a break at that time and have got things in place to support that. I do get your point, but I personally can't see why being self-employed means you can't take two weeks off, especially for something as vital as supporting your wife and new born baby in the immediate postnatal period. I might be wrong which is why I asked the OP for more details on what he actually does.

This sounds incredibly difficult op and I absolutely sympathise, as I got no help from my husband either (he was working full time and doing an MBA in the evenings).

I can only advise doing what I did, which was to ask for help from elsewhere. Luckily for me, my PIL were very helpful and I had some help from the nursery staff too. It was so tough and exhausting and although I did get help, I really wanted it from my husband not other people. I kept seeing friend’s husbands helping out and having lovely bonding time together in the early weeks and tbh I still resent not getting that time as a family.

Some moronic replies on this. He's either a sole trader and taking 2 weeks off could potentially destroy a business or owns a decent size enterprise with a lot to oversee as stated there are issues. I also get the impression he's the sole provider. Either way the poster appears to have post partum depression and should ultimately getting help with that.

I really feel for you OP, you’re in an awful place. The thing is that even if he really can’t take time off (hard to know whether this is true or whether he’s just a workaholic), he could at least turn his mind to you. He could be understanding and empathetic. He could be saying “I understand that you need to recover, what can I do to make this possible?” If he can’t support you himself, he could be asking friends or family, or arranging paid help. I find it hard to believe it’s impossible for him to provide some support at night. You’re not a machine.

My DH was like yours, really unable to understand the reality for me post partum and I have never forgiven him.

Absolutely if she's struggling she should speak to hr HV or GP, but I think it's a bit of a leap to say that someone with hormones, sore nipples, a new born and a one year old automatically has PPD just because she's finding it difficult. It IS difficult.

Can you imagine the OP's post in 6 months time if he had just neglected his business. 'We have no money, DH's business collapsed, 2 children under 2, he is expecting me to work FT to bring money in'.
Sometimes needs must! It's hard but children cost money.

It's rubbish but if this is what happened before, why would you expect any different? Running a business can be tough, as is being the sole breadwinner. How will leaving him make it any easier. he needs to pay for some help for you.

My partner was the same. Worked constantly after the birth of our baby. I have no advice other than I know how lonely and hard that can be. For our next child I am moving in with my mother or vice versa for the newborn period if he doesn't change his working hours.

So sorry you are having such a tough time. Been there and it is super hard.... My husband to be fair was willing just that work pressures were enormous. What we did was pay for childcare and a cleaner. I guess that isn't an option for everyone but if it is even for just a few hours may be helpful.
Also just to say it got better once I was stronger and we all settled into our new circumstances. Stay strong, hope this is temporary for you.

I think you need to be clear about what you need from him because expecting him to just be around isn't entirely reasonable when there are issues in his business.

I have a feeling that would be the outcome.

It sounds really tough on you.

I don't have enough info to say if your DH is being unfair as that is entirely dependent on the state of his business and whether he has competent staff to man the fort whilst he's away.

I have a 12mth age gap between my two children, so I can completely sympathise with you. It is hard at the beginning but it will get easier. I did have my husbands help for the first two weeks, but that two weeks goes so quickly that you are left to it on your own pretty quickly. My advice would to be, sync your babies naps, so that you can sleep at the same time & get out most days for fresh air. Even if it’s just a little walk to the shop. You’ll be surprised at how much better you’ll feel.

Lastly, you definitely need to have a sit down talk with your husband & tell him everything that you have posted on here, otherwise you’ll end up resenting him.

I agree.
Lots of posters have complained about him not taking 2 weeks off of work but I thought this was one of the downsizes of running your own business, that you can’t always have time off.

It also sounds like their have been issues that couldn’t be foreseen, which need his input.

If the business crumbles then that’s also going to affect OP.

I’d like to know how many hours he’s working and how involved he is when he’s not working before judging.

I think you need to remind him of this! You definitely need some support especially in the early days. I know some people are saying pay someone but surely if you can afford to do this then he can afford to take 2 weeks off? 2 small children are gonna be hard, you need to nip this in the bud now or he is basically gonna be a useless father. I have no idea how men think this is acceptable or how women let them get away with it.

Sending hugs this sounds horrendous 💐

If your DH is self-employed, there is no 'two weeks'. There's no paternity pay for self-employed dads. It's really shit but if he takes two weeks off, he won't get paid. I don't know what his business is but presumably he'll also lose momentum in terms of getting future clients and customers. I sympathise with you because my husband is self-employed too and we had the same situation twice. It sucks but is it really his fault? That said, expecting you to be making him lunch is a right cheek and you have every right to tell him to piss off.

He said he'd take two weeks of only working an hour a day. He's gone back on this.

With 50-100 employees, I would worry about the resilience of the company if he can't take two weeks off. Don't you ever have holidays? He needs to bring in people who he can delegate to if necessary. What if he was incapacitated with COVID etc for two weeks? A company that can't manage without you for two weeks is a company at risk. Or it might be that he just doesn't want to step back, which is something else.

OP I'd ask him to imagine he had a horrible accident that damaged his undercarriage and left open wounds, or needed abdominal surgery in case of c-section - then immediately had to look after your two children 24/7. I really do think the impact of childbirth is kind of invisible for lots of people, they don't register that a baby emerging from your body is something you need time to recover from.

Most people who run their own business have to prioritise that, at least in the first few years.
Can he organise a home-help?

@powershowerforanhour Your mum was lucky.

I know several people who run companies with 20+ employees.

The ones who have managed to establish their companies and get good people in who they have been able to safely delegate to before they had children or in a few cases more children, have been lucky and they have admitted it.

I was invited to a friends house to stay over for the weekend with one guy. He spent his Saturday morning on the phone because one of his managers had screwed up.

I really sympathize with you as I was in your exact position 24 years ago, but paternity leave wasn't really a thing, especially for the self-employed! We were running a small business and hubby had to work whilst trying to support me with a hyperactive toddler and a newborn that was finding it very difficult to latch on. It really was awful 🙁 My husband tried his best, working and helping with the little ones but he ended up falling asleep at the wheel of his car on his way to see a client one day and nearly killing himself! Luckily, he was OK and our families rallied around and we ended up getting the support we needed although it took one of us to literally nearly die for that to happen! We then hired a nanny, who was a godsend and upped the clear's hours too! My kids are now 24 and 26, both doing well and we're still married 🙂
I don't think men realise what a physically traumatic event having a baby can be without factoring in the post-natal exhaustion and how your emotions are all over the place too. Sadly, your husband needs to go to work and run his business, as this is how you put food on the table and a roof over your heads, especially if there's been trouble. That still leaves the issue that you can't shoulder the huge task of looking after two little ones under two all on your own, after just giving birth. If your families are unable or unwilling to support you, then I encourage you to consider getting some extra support externally. Whether that be a mother's help, a nanny or even just someone to give extra help the the cleaning and washing.
I wish you all the very best and I want to reassure you that you will get through this!

YANBU. He sounds selfish. I agree that you should explain how close to the edge you are.

And the idea that you have to work 365 days a year if you have your own business and that the OP should just suck it up is nonsense. Both me and my DH are self employed, my DH runs his own business. We take breaks like anyone else.