Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

[joao2570]

My dh runs a business and at the moment, it needs a lot of attention.

But I need a lot of attention too. 8 days ago I had our second baby, and we have a 1 year old too. We've had issues latching which are just resolving and my one year old has been a bit tearful and clingy.

My dh has not taken 2 weeks paternity leave. His reasoning is he just can't. He said he would do the minimum an hour or so a day but it's been lots more. I've been crying every day because I'm so exhausted and hormonal and I feel exhausted after 2 mins with my one year old.

It's turning into lots of hours here or there that I am alone with both children. Today my 1 year old is at nursery, so dh only had to have him a couple of hours in the morning. He's slept upstairs while I've been up all night with the newborn.

Our one year old woke up early and dh left him to cry and woke up me and newborn. On top of that he wants me to have both for an hour this morning so he can work before he takes 1 year old to nursery.

Im exhausted. I only get his help for 2 weeks and I haven't even got that. I'm ready to leave him as I feel work always comes first. I have 2 little children and I don't want them to feel like this either. When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children. Aibu for just wanting my partner to not work and prioritise us for 2 weeks? I feel like he's ruining my maternity both times with this.

I've read your replies but not the full thread so sorry if I've missed something.

I do have huge sympathy for you. It's not an easy time. My DH is a farmer so self employed. He didn't take two weeks off when I had DS. It wasn't bad with 1 new born. But he did dramatically reduce his hours and did the bare minimum on the farm for a few days, not even a full week. He couldn't.

We are TTC no 2. I like you though would be expecting DH to do a lot of the work with DS so I can concentrate on the new born. But if it all goes belly up on the farm and he needs to work he will have to. It's one of the down sides to being self employed.

But you do have my sympathy you sound very stressed. I know you said your mum works full time but does she live close by to call around after work sometimes? Just to help out a small bit?

If you are feeling overwhelmed keep talking to people. x

Whenever people post like this I always refer them to the doula uk website for a postnatal doula. My doula saved my sanity twice round. DH working super long hours and zero paternity leave the second time round.

Do you have any Children's Centres near you, or similar? I practically lived at mine when 2nd was born, because you do have a group around you. The toddler was happy and entertained and safe, so I could sit and breastfeed. Or if baby was asleep, someone would sit and hold him whilst I gave the toddler some attention. Plus, there were people about to ask about latching or whatever. It was about the closest thing to having a big group of women round helping, as was / is more common back in time / in other cultures.

YANBU though in feeling irritated by your DH. But he's not going to change by the sound of it, so you'll have to manage the situation yourself, unfortunately. There are ways to do it though, whilst still enjoying your time with your children too x

You need to do two things:

1.) Have a calm and honest chat with DH to say that you are exhausted, at breaking point and you need him to step up and do his share of parenting and supporting you for the first couple of weeks, as agreed beforehand. Let him know how upset and unsupported you feel. Tell him exactly what you need from him, in clear terms, maybe even make a list.

2.) Then you also need to bring in as much external help as you can get/afford. If family aren’t available then I’m hoping you can afford it if your husband has a business with so many employees. There is a fab company in my area that has a bank of Mother’s Helpers, Maternity Nannies etc that you can hire on a regular basis or for short term adhoc help. They are mostly Mums who work between 9-3 while their kids are at school, so you can have one come just for a couple of hours in the daytime - they will help with whatever you need, tidying up, take baby for a walk in the pram, batch cooking, laundry, go do your weekly shop for you etc. Costs £15ph. Have a look online and see if your area has something similar.

@joao2570 I can understand the lack of help inking if it was promised. Did your dh perhaps say he'd help for a quiet life when really you both should have been looking at alternative arrangements. For the time being can your toddler do some extra/longer days at nursery?

Our DC are 29 and 25 now and DH was a self employed professional when they were born. When Pat leave was non existent and Mat Leave was 6 months. DS was a month early and born on Xmas Day so I did have DH's help for the first few days we were home. Then my mum came for a week. When dd was born, luckily it was Whit week so I had him fkr a few days and his mother was in situ until the baby was 8 days old. But so was the au-pair.

DH is a workaholic, still is, and nothing was going to change it. I carried the full domestic burden and still do although I went back to work 20 years ago.

There are compensations. The money pays to outsource many jobs: cleaning, ironing, gardening, childcare when they were little, other help too. It has also paid for a very nice life and an excellent education fir the DC. Except for the workaholism he is kind, loyal and moral.

Times may have changed but dd's bf has similar work commitments. If they get married and have dc she will go I to it open eyed knowing his work will be a priority. Hopefully I'll be retired then and able to help.

My DH has his own business too

Upside: he can usually be more flexible about stuff like kids assemblies and sick days than I can as he doesn't have to ask anyone

Downside: no sick pay, holiday pay, redundancy etc and demand fluctuates so at times he has to work long hours to keep clients happy. It's the flip side of the flexibility.

When our DC were small I had no expectation that he would take paternity leave as we both knew that was impossible to rely on. That's an employed person luxury. Therefore we made alternative plans. Between my mum, my sister and mother in law coming to stay and some good friends who cooked meals, babysat for a few hours and did some loads of laundry I was able to be supported. We are both eternally grateful and tried to repay the favours later

Sorry OP but I do think your expectation of a self employed person taking 2 weeks paternity leave is unrealistic. You 100% need support but it will have to come from elsewhere

@joao2570 people who call him selfish for not taking time off are just not getting it. A small business can fall apart when the boss and owner is not there: staff can fail to do their jobs properly or quit, important customers can become disappointed and go elsewhere, the firm can lose its reputation and hence lose future customers. Even in two weeks.

What can and almost certainly should be done is to throw money at the problem and hire some help for you at home. If his business has 50-100 employees presumably there is enough money available to do that?

Tell him that you understand he cannot be as personally available as he wanted to be, but you really need more help at home, right now, and so you are going to hire someone to help however many hours you need (plus add a few extra to give yourself a break as well).

Sadly self employed and running a business then you can't down tools for two weeks esp if there have been some business issues and he is growing the business.

Throw money at the problem and get him to foot the bill. Easy as that. He's not going to drop everything & you're about to lose your mind (understandably) with 2 babies. Call a nanny agency and tell them you need a full time nanny & night nanny and share the load with them. It's going to cost a fortune but it's better than sacrificing your own health and mental wellbeing.

You knew full well that be wouldn’t be able to take conventional paternity leave since ‘the plan’ was always for him to work whilst the eldest was at nursery. Then it sounds like stuff has come up and actually he needs to work more than that which is unfortunate timing (just like the pregnancy) but it shouldn’t be a surprise to either of you because it also happened when you had your first and it’s often the way it goes as a business owner. I don’t think that makes him an unreasonable twat. I do think you’ve been naive. However, you are where you are so no point now saying you shouldn’t have had the second. Realistically, the only way you’re going to get more help is to pay for it- cleaner, meal delivery service, part time nanny, up the eldest’s hours at nursery. If any of those are affordable to you then don’t hesitate to start making arrangements today.

Can’t just take time off when it’s a business!!! I went back to work when my daughter was 3 weeks old and worked till the day I gave birth. Part time and I had her with me but that had been meticulously planned. I’m sure you’d not be happy about the financial impact on your family.

most women can manage 2, without losing their minds and needing 24/7 help

Please sort some decent contraception so surprise no.2 doesn't turn up in another year.

I also think hiring someone is a good solution if funds allow. I understand there will be times he can't just down tools and disappear, but you need support with two babies to look after, especially so soon after birth.

You must be exhausted.
Have you spoken to him and arranged you get some rest and time out besides nursery drop off's is vital for you now.
Call in some help if you can manage too.
Take care.

Even people who are self employed? Most of my family aren't employed and don't have the luxuries that brings - sick leave, paternity leave etc. and taking two weeks out unexpectedly early would be possible.

Obviously there are also advantages but paternity leave isn't one of them. How can it be standard when people's set ups are so different?

I’d throw extra money at it and get some help asap. A mother’s help a few hours a day. Universities finish soon - I’d advertise on local Facebook.
I’d focus energy on that not arguing with him as unlikely to help.

I would be so so disappointed by this. He is letting you all down badly.

Some of these replies 🙄 OP you are absolutely ok to feel like this. I’m not going to give you a long reply but for all those saying she should be able to cope with two kids, have you not seen that she’s not even a month postpartum yet?! Those days are the trenches and I cannot imagine also having a 1 year old to look after.

OP if you don’t have the village then please consider getting either a mother’s help or a postpartum doula. I had a doula with my first, I was really struggling mentally and physically and didn’t have the external support for lots of reasons. This lady was a godsend.

I certainly would have struggled 8 days in with a one year old on top. I found looking after two alone very difficult until the youngest was about 2.5 and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Fortunately DH felt the same and so we worked together. Young DC are full on and the newborn days can be awful.

If your dh is running a business it isn't always feasible just to take two weeks break without taking a financial hit.

My dh is self employed sole trader with his business. He took a day off when I got home after the baby. Of course it wasn't easy.
It wasn't any easier when baby 2 came along but dh wasn't going to work for a laugh. Times were tough and we were in a recession and he had to keep us a float. I just kept life as simple as I could until I got my energy back. Dh pulled his weight when he got home and during the night so I could rest and recover though.

When dh has to stop working for anything unexpected it does throw a spanner in the work.
It made sense for him to go back to work asap if in case he needed to take time off for emergencies later on.

What is it with these men and their oh so important work? If you were my dd I'd be there helping you and most likely helping you to get shot of him as well.

Well in our case and possibly the ops their ' so important work' kept money coming in, which meant we coul pay the mortgage and have somewhere to live. That was pretty important to us to be fair.

I would be so so disappointed by this. He is letting you all down badly.
You dont know anything about his business or their financial affairs. He could be doing the best for his family at the moment especially as we are having a cost of living crisis.

Right in all practicalities you aren't coping (which would??) he isn't/ can't help.

Can you enquire whether your 1yr old can do nursery 5 days a week and he needs to drop off and pick up e.g. 08.30 - 17.30,

Order in loads of pre done meals e.g. cook or slow cooker dump packs that's dinner sorted.

Load of washing done and hung out each night to stay on top of that.

Get yourself flasks and make yourself stations with lots of drinks and snacks. Set up a home delivery system.

Tell him fine he has to work but you will need him for 15mins every few hrs so you can shower, have a break etc bond with baby

And that if he works at the weekend you will hit him round the face with a wet fish.

Also say as he isn't taking paternity now you expect him to claim it back and take it later- It must end within 56 days of the birth (or due date if the baby is early).

I would accept that this may be the case if there was any indication in the OP that the DH could see how much OP was taking on and how much she is struggling.

I would be so upset if my DH couldn't see my efforts and my struggles like that.

I just wanted to say that, actually, crying releases stress hormones, which are carried away in the tears. Hence, crying is, in fact, helpful sometimes.