Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

[joao2570]

My dh runs a business and at the moment, it needs a lot of attention.

But I need a lot of attention too. 8 days ago I had our second baby, and we have a 1 year old too. We've had issues latching which are just resolving and my one year old has been a bit tearful and clingy.

My dh has not taken 2 weeks paternity leave. His reasoning is he just can't. He said he would do the minimum an hour or so a day but it's been lots more. I've been crying every day because I'm so exhausted and hormonal and I feel exhausted after 2 mins with my one year old.

It's turning into lots of hours here or there that I am alone with both children. Today my 1 year old is at nursery, so dh only had to have him a couple of hours in the morning. He's slept upstairs while I've been up all night with the newborn.

Our one year old woke up early and dh left him to cry and woke up me and newborn. On top of that he wants me to have both for an hour this morning so he can work before he takes 1 year old to nursery.

Im exhausted. I only get his help for 2 weeks and I haven't even got that. I'm ready to leave him as I feel work always comes first. I have 2 little children and I don't want them to feel like this either. When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children. Aibu for just wanting my partner to not work and prioritise us for 2 weeks? I feel like he's ruining my maternity both times with this.

What's your financial situation? Is your mat pay enough to cover your family outgoings for this period, or have you got plenty of savings to cover this? And what will happen in the longer term if he loses business as a result of taking time off now - will your income be enough for you to live on if everything goes pear-shaped? If so, yanbu at all to expect him to prioritise paternity leave over work. If there is a risk that taking time off will leave the family in financial difficulty, though, I can understand why he is continuing to work.

You say that he was the same after your first baby, so I guess it was a bit of a risk to have a second one so soon. However, it sounds like he might have promised that things would be different and now he isn't sticking to that promise? That might be him being unreasonable or it might have been him seriously underestimating what it would take to keep the business ticking over.

In the short term, I don't see how leaving him is going to help you, as you'll be alone with your two kids even more, and in a more precarious financial situation than ever. Fair enough in the longer term if you feel that his attitude is a dealbreaker. Right now, though, if he can't/ won't work less, you need to find an alternative solution - pay someone else to help if you can afford it, or source help from friends/family.

It's really tough when you're desperately sleep deprived and still recovering from the birth. I hope things ease up for you soon.

My DH is self-employed and I know he can’t take the 2 weeks off- last time he took 4 days (I was induced on a Tuesday so he was off Tues-Sun, back to work Mon). I’m expecting again and know this time will be the same. DH doesn’t have anyone to cover him and its more difficult than taking a planned holiday when he can do extra work the week before and after to compensate as we just don’t know exactly when baby will arrive. Its the joys of running your own business.

What’s not ok is promising you he’ll take 2 weeks off and not doing it and not doing more to support you when he is around. Having 2 so close together is hard work but it does get easier (DD1 & DS1 are only 16 months apart) and my 2 have an amazing bond so it is worth it even though it probably doesn’t feel like it right now.

My DH is very similar. I am coming to the end of my maternity leave with my second and, as with my first, he has just worked and worked. He did take two weeks at the beginning though so a little better than your DH but he works long into the night so he’s basically absent 5 days a week (and a few hours each weekend day). I have still not fully forgiven him for continuing working like that while I struggled with quite bad post natal depression and anxiety with our first. However, he just won’t change and I won’t leave so I’ve just had to find ways to deal.

My oldest is a bit older (she was 2 when baby was born and has just turned 3). Having her in nursery has made it a lot easier - is upping your eldest’s nursery hours, at least while you get through the constant clingyness of the newborn phase, an option for you?

Lean on family if you can - mine are a couple of hours away but have been able to come once a week, they don’t really take the kids and give me a break but they do at least provide company.

Do everything to prioritise sleep. My baby is going through an awful sleep phase at the moment (I’m praying it’s the cold he’s got rather than a new sleep pattern) and it’s like having a newborn again. I can already feel the resentment creeping back in and I know it’ll get worse if I don’t get some sleep soon. Don’t wait for DH in the evenings - go to bed as early as possible.

Good luck!

Is his business the kind that he can just step away from it for two weeks? Many people who are self employed can’t do that without losing clients.

How will stopping work for two weeks impact the business and finances?

There is a difference between spending more time on work than needs to be spent and doing work that needs to be done. Work and financial responsibilities are like child responsibilities, you can just walk away from them.

If he has other people to do the work or it is the kind of work he can turn off for two weeks without impacting the business - then he should be working less. Bring in other help if you need it.

I'm sorry this sounds really tough and like you are coping amazingly.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I also don't think he is the callous twat some posters are saying he is. It's not like he is sat in his boxer shorts playing computer games all day covered in Doritos dust.

I remember when I went on my first mat leave my otherwise amazing partner went into over drive at work and rather than stepping back to concentrate on the home and our family pursued a huge promotion. It nearly broke our relationship as our youngest is complex and I had awful depression.

My partner's reasoning when we eventually communicated was that they felt this overwhelming pressure to be provider and that they knew they should also step up at home but didn't know how, they didn't feel good at it and that it all got a bit 1950s family dynamic in their mind of breadwinner and care giver. They didn't blaming me but on reflection I know that I was exhausted, demanding and difficult (with good reason). I was constantly disappointed with them and very critical when they did help as I was overwhelmed myself. They wanted to be and feel helpful - it was at work through material provision they got this feedback.

Speak to him, tell him very directly - he sounds like he is trying his best to do the right thing but is getting it very wrong.

You sound like you are doing brilliantly but need more help.

What hours does he work and does he WFH?

I can completely see how you need his help and he should be stepping up but if this is his own business and you both rely on this income, then I can’t see how he can just stop working.

But as soon as he gets home and during his lunch if he’s WFH he should be doing 50/59 of the parenting and housework/cooking.
You should not be making him lunch!

What is a typical day for both of you like?

In which case he is making good/excellent money.

Stop wasting your time trying to get him to support you. He won't / doesn't want to.
He needs to provide the funds if you don't have them for you to:

• Hire a night nanny (they will bring the baby to you to feed)
• Hire a day nanny
• hire a cleaner if you don't already have one

These can be short term or longer term solutions
Once that's done

• Get on with it
• try not to let the resentment kill your marriage
• Don't have a third and expect it to be any different...

I would have some sympathy for the work situation if he was doing all he could to help whilst not working. But the fact he just stays in bed of a morning when you've been up all night tells you what kind of man he is. Maybe your feelings about leaving are valid, and maybe when your babies are older you should.

You'll be exhausted and very emotional at this point. It's a very difficult time and, and a shock to the system.

In reality it should have not been a suprise, his not looking after you, since he didn't the first time. Maybe you completely underestimated the reality of having a newborn and one year old? (Is that one as in 12 months? Was that a purposeful choice for both of you?)

But that by the by, you're understandably struggling. I'm not sure what can be suggested. If you leave now you'll lose more - you will still retain that unhappiness that he is useless and you'll be without money and possibly a home (I'll take a stab in the dark that a) he won't support you financially if you leave b) he won't move out.) And you're unlikely to be in any state to fight that battle yet.

I think you need to secure yourself physicsl and emotional support elsewhere for now, if you can. If you have a decent family ask them. Don't be embarrassed to reveal your situation. They are unlikely to be suprised.

Then when you are recovered considered your situation, talk to him give him an ultimatum (and follow it through).

Don't have another baby with him.

He employs dozens of people but it's not a particularly well run business if he doesn't have at least one, preferably two or more competent deputies who could step in at a near equal level if he was unable to or take annual/paternity leave like a normal person.

What would happen if he was ill or had an accident and couldn't work?

I agree that if he will not take paternity leave to do what he should be doing for the children that are his responsibility then they should employ a nanny/maternity nurse for a few weeks.

Can't think why you had another baby so quickly. Anyway if your DH is self employed he needs to work of you will have even more to worry about if you get into financial difficulty. Can't believe people are saying he needs to prioritize his family and take time off. Working is prioritising your family and giving them stability and paying bills. Honestly, the naivety of some folk on here is astounding.

50-100 employees is a substantial business. And it sounds like you agreed that he would have to work at some point.

If he can't help you himself then he needs to pay for some help. I'd suggest an overnight nanny for at least 2 weeks or possibly longer. It will be expensive but it will make a huge difference. Or a part time nanny to help in the mornings and evenings when older child is at nursery.

There's not much understanding on MN for people who run their own businesses. Everyone on here seems to be a public servant or work "in an office".

If you run your own business, you can't have two weeks off just because your wife has had a baby. Women who marry men who run their own businesses are mad if they think the business is just going to evaporate when it suits them.

I have a similar age gap and had an ELCS with DC2 and you just have to get on with it, if you decide to have children with a man who is always at work.

I'd rather that, than have a man who doesn't work hard.

This and ..
Can you ask your Mum to come and live with you for the next three weekends?
Can you ask your husband to prioritise just two or three days per week when he will only work three hours per day?

I think it's awful that he hasn't taken paternity leave off, or even reduced his hours. Sorry OP but I would be very upset. Don't you dare be cooking him dinner!! I'm a stay at home mum and my husband helps me very much - no way would i have coped. Now is the time to demand he pays for a cleaner once a week too otherwise it'll all fall to you...sending hugs though because that is a very tough age gap x

@BarbaraofSeville That's another MN assumption - that everyone gets "annual leave". You frequently don't, if you run your own business. You're there all the bloody time!

If you don't want to be married to a man and his business, then marry a man who has a "normal" job.

I am guessing she is happy to enjpy the lifestyle his ' oh so important work' provides.
If you marry a man who employs 100 people you cannot expect him to work 9-5!

I totally understand it

Like I said to the OP.
If he can't / won't be present, buy in help...

This is what everyone I know does who can afford it and with 50-100 employees they can afford it.

We will have a night nanny 3-5 nights a week for first 3 months and ft nanny on an ongoing basis as my DH will start a new job just before our second arrives so no pat leave.

And I would be willing to wager despite having a relatively high hh income it's still lower than OPs....

Yes, exactly. A lot of people seem happy to enjoy the financial benefits of their partner running their own business and yet resent the amount of hard work that inevitably goes into this.

If the OP's own financial means are sufficient to support the family and they can afford for the DH's business to take a hit, then fair enough. But if they are reliant on his income, then the reality is that he might not be able to just drop everything at will.

Add to any list or conversation : I am vulnerable and stressed and hurting and I need you now. You are letting me down, and I may never forgive and I know I will never forget. If you don’t focus on what matters and the promises you made to me there will be no one to look after you when you need it one day. Certainly won’t be me.

Or DF or FIL?

if she’d died or been seriously injured in childbirth someone would have to look after their children. These men just don’t think their wife’s health is important until that actually happens.

I’m sorry you’re struggling. My husband and I can’t afford for him to take his paternity leave which is 2 weeks at stat paternity. He is taking a week and will take a week of annual leave a few weeks later over Christmas. We did a similar thing with our second. I found having a loose plan/structure for the essential from almost day 1. Even if it was visit my mum/mil/Nan/friend etc. good luck it will get easier!

Actually this is a good point too.

YANBU OP, it's shit. I think the worst thing is that he doesn't see how you're struggling.

A brand new baby and a toddler is really fucking hard, so let's forget about the here and now for a second. What's the agreement when things are more stable? In some families it's agreed that one parent will work all hours and the other do everything at home, and it can work out for the best financially. I admit it wouldn't be for me, but it can work very well.

In that case, he needs to see that it's not possible for you to do everything right now, and the people who will suffer for that are the three he loves most. He needs to consider how he can help (time and money), make a commitment and stick to it, just as he would at work.

If it's not that sort of set up then that's even worse.

Time for a very frank chat about how he's letting his wife and children down.