Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

[joao2570]

My dh runs a business and at the moment, it needs a lot of attention.

But I need a lot of attention too. 8 days ago I had our second baby, and we have a 1 year old too. We've had issues latching which are just resolving and my one year old has been a bit tearful and clingy.

My dh has not taken 2 weeks paternity leave. His reasoning is he just can't. He said he would do the minimum an hour or so a day but it's been lots more. I've been crying every day because I'm so exhausted and hormonal and I feel exhausted after 2 mins with my one year old.

It's turning into lots of hours here or there that I am alone with both children. Today my 1 year old is at nursery, so dh only had to have him a couple of hours in the morning. He's slept upstairs while I've been up all night with the newborn.

Our one year old woke up early and dh left him to cry and woke up me and newborn. On top of that he wants me to have both for an hour this morning so he can work before he takes 1 year old to nursery.

Im exhausted. I only get his help for 2 weeks and I haven't even got that. I'm ready to leave him as I feel work always comes first. I have 2 little children and I don't want them to feel like this either. When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children. Aibu for just wanting my partner to not work and prioritise us for 2 weeks? I feel like he's ruining my maternity both times with this.

Of course what you’ve said is true. I’m a business owner and I have 5 holidays a year but never more than a week at a time, also we do t know the details of op. He could have taken on a massive client, lost a key employee or it’s just a time of the year when business is booming.

Crying isn’t going to resolve anything.

Be that as it may, @Mariposista, I'm getting quite fed up with your woman-hating attitude on this forum this morning. This woman has hormones all over the place, two very small children that she is looking after, and not enough help, and she's proactively talking to other women about what to do. Along with all that, she can cry all she likes.

It's always self-employed men who 'can't' take time off. I've been self-employed for many years and I've never ever used it as an excuse not to step up at home when I've needed to. You arrange your time accordingly even if that means powering thru some work in the evening to be available for family commitments the next day; you have flexibility it's not as if locked into 9-5 hours, have to ask to take leave etc.

But yeah, of the women and men that I know who are self-employed, women juggle their time accordingly and that's even in difficult times, whilst men just simply make themselves unavailable. I work with/around self-employed men who are always 'On' even when they don't need to be, then theres the addiction of making maximum money via self-employment too, the thrill of it & at times I do wonder, don't you ever want to spend time with your family?

OP Im loathe to ask if you have any friends/relatives who can help as its annoying theres always an expectation that a woman somewhere or other will step up so the precious big man doesn’t have to be there for his children. Anyway I hope you find a way through

I sympathise with you OP, my DH is self employed and whilst he did take a few days paternity each time it was obvious he was itching to get back. I remember the first day he went back after having my second. She was a high needs baby and didn't eat or sleep much. Just managed to get her to take some milk and she threw it back up all over us both and I burst into tears, I then continued to cry the entire time I bathed her while she also screamed. Its not easy but I'm afraid its how it is with this kind of job. Realistically 2 weeks doesn't make that much difference, you are still thrown in at the deep end when they go back to work.

On the positive side he now has more flexibility to take time off for school events / pick ups / kids appointments etc too. He even helps out with DDs rainbows group regularly which he wouldn't be able to do if he was employed. Although its hard right now you need to try and think of the long term benefits.

So what has changed since you had your first child?

If he was that bad why have another?

He is running a business not playing golf

Surely with 50-100 employees he has someone that he can delegate to? I know a lot of men who have checked out of the newborn stage because it's just too much effort and use going to "work" as an excuse to let their wives just do it all. If it's his business he should be able to run it in just a few hours a day for a short while at least.

Absolutely no need for that.

Aside from it being none of our business, OP has already explained that the pregnancy was a surprise, and that she and her DH sat down and had a discussion and came to an agreement when they agreed to proceed.

He is now failing to keep his end of the bargain.

Agree with many others, throw money at support/nanny. It's very possible he can't take the time off at the moment but some of the cost may even be decuctible as a business expense (I'm no expert). Wages are by far the biggest expense for a business, if he can pay 50-100 staff he can add one more for a nanny.

I am sure you are disappointed, I would be also. However whilst my now ex husband didn't run a company, he did work very long hours. He did take off the 2 weeks paternity, whcih goes very quickly (though I was in hospital recovering from C section for 2-3 of those days). I also had a 15 month old. He went back to full time long hours (out at 6:30 am back at 7:30 pm) after those 2 weeks. We also had a builder start renovating out house when baby was 4 weeks old. My 15 month old didn't go to nursery (we couldnt afford it) until funding at age 2 (or 2.5 I cant quite recall) came in. It was really tough. I think in those early days knowing the builder was turning up every day made me get up and dressed and not spend the day in tears! I also had no support as mum dead, no siblings etc. I'd highly recommend as soon as you can, getting your baby in a routine in sync with your 1 year old so you can get some peace to yourself in the daytime (1.5 - 2.0 hours nap time after lunch was my saviour). try and negotiate with your husband to get some time to yourself at weekends for your sanity.

If it's his own business, he effectively has no "leave", and days not working means days with no financial income for your family. I can image it's hard, but he's also keeping a roof over your head.

When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

a bit unhelpful to say this but WHY did you discuss and agree to have another so quickly?! but whats done is done....what did you agree to before the 2nd baby was born? if he is going back on whats been agreed then thats different, but its no surprise if he was like this last time

Let's not all forget that fathers taking 2 weeks off is a very new thing! How did our grannies cope? It's worth considering.

Our grannies coped by staying in the hospital for 2 weeks being properly cared for. OP sending huge huge hugs I know how tough the postpartum period can be. You are physically & psychologically recovering from a major medical event. I’m sorry you don’t have enough support right now. Agree you need to get help one way or another so if it needs to be a nanny and you can afford it then do that. Also, your wider family are working but could they help by dropping off some freezer lasagnes, or a bit of help with laundry/washing up etc??

Let's not all forget that fathers taking 2 weeks off is a very new thing! How did our grannies cope? It's worth considering.
never mind grannies.
paternity leave didn’t start until 2003. Plenty of mums on here with young families didn’t have the paternity leave option.

It sounds awful, disappointing and it will be impossible to think clearly in that situation. Leaving him will only make things worse though! Then there would be zero help(I assume).
Do you rely on DH’s income or can the business afford to take a hit? Can some-one else come and help either you or your DH(with business)?

People cope, of course they do. Coping and thriving are different though.

Longer stays in hospital, a different style of parenting, they were on average younger and they may have also had more family support. I read somewhere that on average today’s mothers who work full time do more hands on parenting than stay at home mothers did in the 1970s!!

Some really spiteful bitchy responses here.

Says a lot about people that they get a rise out of sticking the boot in with a woman 8 days after birth.

If he was like that with the 1st why did you have another so soon? Has his workload been like this for the past year, is he making enough so you can buy in some help?

have you explained that you are really struggling, what has he said.

Most grannies actually gave birth at home.

What age is granny?

Because my mum would be 78 if she had lived and she definitely had me in hospital, as did almost everyone she knew.

@notahappybunny7 I'm not so sure about that. My 87 year old mother was in hospital for 10 days when I was born 63 years ago! As were most of her friends. Her mother for even longer after a difficult birth that resulted in a caesarean in 1936!

@notahappybunny7 Depends what generation your granny is I suppose. But even previously to hospital births becoming normal most women did not work so could support relatives at this time. In many cultures granny/auntie moves in for at least 2 weeks to support. The idea that it is somehow ‘normal’ for a woman to care for a newborn baby and an infant 8 days after giving birth entirely alone is a complete fallacy. It certainly isn’t ideal.

Tell him he needs to either help or arrange help for you ASAP as you are going to leave him. Then deal with all of this when you are in a better place. If he listened to you and respected you he would arrange help or take time off, not just assume you’ll shut up and put up. It’s not really about the time off, it’s about a total lack of respect for your wishes at your most vulnerable time.

@notahappybunny7 how unpleasant of you.