DH: CF or massive Tw*t?

[AppelationStation]

I'll try to keep it brief.

Worked a 14 hour day yesterday (Monday) with travel to London for meetings. Worked from home today, finishing after 6.30pm because my Chair needed a meeting. Whilst working from home I did both school runs, took the sick dog to the vets, nipped to the shop and made the contents of a pie for tea in my lunch break. Had some flex in my hours because of yesterday but still a full on day. I sat down for 20 mins at 2ish and fell asleep for 10 of them.

Because my trustee meetings went on into the evening, I asked DH, when he got home, to assemble pie, make some mash and boil broccoli. He did so.

Because I didn't cook all of the dinner, he insisted it was my turn to wash the pots. He refuses to have a dishwasher. Usually I cook, he washes. Today he had to do some cooking, so for him it follows I do the dishes. Finished them about 11.

For context, DH does a stress free job he loves that earns just above minimum wage. I am an underpaid CEO in a small non profit that works at the sharp end with people who are homeless and/or domestic abuse survivors. I earn 30% more than he does, have way more responsibility, and still do most of the life admin/ school runs/ cooking /housework. He's a great 'fun dad', around the house, does what he's asked to, rolls his eyes if I dare to complain and considers himself a feminist.

Is he just a bog standard CF husband? Or in serious Massive Twat territory? I genuinely think my current workload will kill me early. He doesn't seem to care.

That wasn't as brief as I intended.

Get a dishwasher, source a cleaner and consider whether dh is value for money

Ps.massive twat imo

The thing that stood out for me is that 'he doesn't seem to care'. No he doesn't, as long as his life is easy.

So what if he plays with the kids? There's much more to a partnership and running a house than that.

He is a massive twat.

And a CEO of a domestic abuse charity understands that a man who 'refuses to get a dishwasher' is a man she can't actually live happily with. Come on lovey. You know this stuff.

Get a dishwasher. If he chooses not to use it, that’s up to him.

Oh, & yes he’s a cf twat.

Why does he refuse a dishwasher? It will save water and heating bills, plus your time and energy. Why does he get to veto when you earn more?

Order a dishwasher pronto! You can get a table top one if there isn’t space under the kitchen workspaces. He doesn’t get the casting vote! Get a cleaner too if you want to. And yes, he’s a twat who needs to pull his weight.

and considers himself a feminist.

Of course he does. He believes in enabling women to do everything, provide for him, and serve his every whim.

Absolute fucking twat.

He is a twat.

Buy a dishwasher fgs, no man would stop me from getting one installed, he can wash the fuck up if he wants but I'm not doing that.

You're doing too much. Share out the life admin and childcare more evenly and buy a dishwasher. Tonight's twatty show has taken away his casting vote

This

I got tired reading about how busy you were.

I'd just get a dishwasher put in if you have the money and the room.

What's he going to do about it? Yank it out?

Order a dishwasher right now, and say he needs to do half the school runs, which would he like to choose. If you need to use afterschool care so he can get to pick up, do it. Tell him he’s done freeloading in this family, and he is now cooking dinner 4 nights a week after which you will graciously load the dishwasher for him. What is feminist exactly about him? Is it that he’s not out sleeping with prostitutes eveyr night? What an asshole.

Have you ordered the dishwasher yet?

Absolute CF Twat.

Order the dishwasher. Split the responsibilities. Stop allowing him to shirk his.

Who gave him the right to refuse a dishwasher?!

No way would I have done the dishes.

What an absolute twat he is.

I'm sick of men getting a pass because of shit like 'he plays with the kids'. So would a beagle. Get a beagle and a dishwasher and chuck him out.

Get a dishwasher and ditch the twat.

Another vote for a dishwasher.

I loathe doing dishes (washing dishes actually makes me feel nauseous, it’s my one household job I can’t stomach) and when we bought our house there was absolutely no way we wouldn’t have a dishwasher.

He doesn’t have to use it but at least it means you can wing them in and forget about it.

That aside, though, he needs to step up more. I would be looking at making him take on more responsibilities around the home. I work less than my partner in a less stressful job, so naturally I pick up more of the slack at home. He needs to be doing the same.

It’s supposed to be a balanced partnership. Not you do everything push yourself to the point of a breakdown while he saunters around doing the bare minimum after an easy day in work.

Firstly buy a dishwasher, no ifs or buts.

"and still do most of the life admin/ school runs/ cooking /housework"

Secondly get a list and split that domestic shit down the middle, he's a feminist so should appreciate it...

Although rolling his eyes at me and not caring about my uneven load would have me very much teetering on divorce territory... x

I agree.

My DP works in a stressful role, often starting work as early as 6am. On a lot of these days I go into work later so I can do drop offs in the morning.

He is still fully able to come home after work, sort the kids out with their dinner, put on a wash and the dishwasher, tidy up and do the bedtime routine. Even though he’s been up from 5am and is wrecked.

I don’t get why so many women let these men off with doing so fucking little every single day. Especially when they have the less stressful, less consuming job.

Honestly, what is the point of him being there, really? Whatever value he adds surely is subtracted away when you take into account how little he pulls his weight day to day.

Sometimes putting pen to paper is helpful to show someone they are not pulling their weight.

He didn't plan, shop for, or even do the bulk of the cooking for that meal.

He did some light assembly and cooked two vegetables. Not exactly hard labour.

Furthermore he only did it because cause YOU WERE WORKING into the evening. He wasn't doing you a favour, like pitching in so you could get a facial that night.

He then presumably sat on his arse relaxing while you washed the pot even later into the evening.

Saying 'I cooked you clean' while being completely blind to the reality of you working for your family all day while he has an enjoyable job and more leisure time (which would make anyone a more 'fun' parent) is twattish and not at all feminist.

What the fuck makes him a feminist? Graciously allowing his wife to be the higher earner and enjoying the benefits of her income? What a hero.

You need to have a serious discussion about how chores, leisure and stress is distributed in your family.

I am usually all for joint money but if he isn't supporting you to be the higher earner by picking up the domestic slack then I'd be looking at separate accounts so you can keep the benefit of your additional labour for yourself.

Massive twat, for all the reasons already given.

"He's a great 'fun dad', around the house, does what he's asked to, rolls his eyes if I dare to complain and considers himself a feminist."
Considers himself a feminist, does he? Time to put his efforts where his mouth is. FunDad has to to either step up, or step out.

A brief bit of advice from a 59 year old together with husband for 30 years. Buy a dishwasher. Do not even consult him. Time spent conferring on something you know you need is time wasted, especially when he's being an arse about it. I used to discuss stuff like this with DH only for him to put downers on everything that involved even a small amount of money. Now I just do it and tell him it's happening. Nothing unreasonable, it's just that I know what I'm doing, and I know my DH can't help being a negative worrier, so I override the issue with direct action. It actually works well if you ignore their shocked face. They get over it and all is well.

1. get a dishwasher. He doesn’t like it he can wash and dry his own dishes.
2. Tell him you’re ( plural) getting a cleaner, cost split 50/50.
3. Is your dog ok?