DH: CF or massive Tw*t?

[AppelationStation]

I'll try to keep it brief.

Worked a 14 hour day yesterday (Monday) with travel to London for meetings. Worked from home today, finishing after 6.30pm because my Chair needed a meeting. Whilst working from home I did both school runs, took the sick dog to the vets, nipped to the shop and made the contents of a pie for tea in my lunch break. Had some flex in my hours because of yesterday but still a full on day. I sat down for 20 mins at 2ish and fell asleep for 10 of them.

Because my trustee meetings went on into the evening, I asked DH, when he got home, to assemble pie, make some mash and boil broccoli. He did so.

Because I didn't cook all of the dinner, he insisted it was my turn to wash the pots. He refuses to have a dishwasher. Usually I cook, he washes. Today he had to do some cooking, so for him it follows I do the dishes. Finished them about 11.

For context, DH does a stress free job he loves that earns just above minimum wage. I am an underpaid CEO in a small non profit that works at the sharp end with people who are homeless and/or domestic abuse survivors. I earn 30% more than he does, have way more responsibility, and still do most of the life admin/ school runs/ cooking /housework. He's a great 'fun dad', around the house, does what he's asked to, rolls his eyes if I dare to complain and considers himself a feminist.

Is he just a bog standard CF husband? Or in serious Massive Twat territory? I genuinely think my current workload will kill me early. He doesn't seem to care.

That wasn't as brief as I intended.

Because I didn't cook all of the dinner, he insisted it was my turn to wash the pots. He refuses to have a dishwasher. Usually I cook, he washes. Today he had to do some cooking, so for him it follows I do the dishes.

How can you be married to someone like this? I couldn't be doing with such transactional pedantic-ness.

Anyway, that aside, if he isnt pulling his weight when life is getting heavy, wtf is the point of him, and how much respect does he have for your or your relationship?

I'd consider getting rid and getting a dishwasher.

No he doesn’t care he is a twat!!

List all the house jobs and other stuff (birthdays, christmas chores, school pick ups) and sit him down and split it 50:50
Buy a dishwasher- who does he think he is!! Just buy it!
Source what you can out - cleaning, ironing etc

This type of transactional behaviour (“I cooked so you have to clean up”) is the death of any marriage.

This.

He's a selfish, lazy twat.

Playing with the kids is obviously something he enjoys doing - we all do things we enjoy. It's doing the things we dislike because they are part of a partnership that make the difference.

Personally I'd have just put the dishes in the bin (unless they are Spode, obviously), and bought some paper plates to use on the days that he "cooks". Making a pie is a damn sight more time consuming (and requiring of skill) than heating it up and boiling a bit of veg.

BTW. - I agree with those people who say "Get a dishwasher". Get one - and don't let him use it. It's YOURS for YOUR washing up days. He shouldn't have to compromise his principles and it would be cruel to ask him to.

I feel for you HeadsUpSide. Have you ever had an executive coach to help you to navigate this or a male mentor with power in the organisation who also listens to women (I only suggest a man because men sadly listen more to other men in many cases!).

You should be really proud making it in a male environment though. It's not easy and don't forget your daughters are going to be influenced by you as much as your husband!

I divorced my first dh for far less than what you are describing OP. Life is too short for this shit especially when you have young dc. It was hard being a single parent but my god, it was so liberating too.

Get a dishwasher. It can go in the space he used to occupy before you kicked him out.

I just love it when men declare themselves feminist

How strange. You sound quite confrontational to the OP. I was pointing out the other side of it. You sound like you'd fight yourself in an empty room...

😂👌

Of course he’s a twat. He’s also abusive, but you know that already.

Get a dishwasher. He can only refuse to have one if he does 100% of the washing up.

Who made him God of the household ? Buy a bloody dishwasher.

massive twat. split the jobs by day. why isn't he doing 50 percent of the daily jobs and get a dishwasher.

Oh and while you are at it, write up a rota for household chores. If he doesn't want to do his 50% share, tell him to move out.

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

....

LOL the irony, you started on me!

You're in a job paying 30% more than minimum wage and you think its going to kill you early......time to change jobs! That's not a lot of wage for a lot of pressure!

Oh and just order a dishwasher, why does he get to make the decisions?

Feminist in the tweets, misogynist in the sheets/streets.

Feminist as in women should do it all?

He’s a twat.

I don’t agree with hire a cleaner, that’s another excuse for him to do not a lot. Unless you hire a male cleaner which is likely to help him see his feminist thinking more clearly.

These street feminist, house patriarch tosspots really boil my piss. I know how deeply ingrained these gender roles are in the household, and I feel like while previous generations have blazed a trail for women in the workplace, decision making/politics etc now we’re more and more taking the battle to the home front. If he describes himself as a feminist, would it help to talk to him in more political terms? There are lots of resources including stuff by men on this that might work as a starting point for discussion? Although I’d be very tempted to just replace him with a dishwasher…

He's just deeply selfish man that doesn't like his wife.

It astounds me on MN that so many fail to join those two huge dots.

When we feel even basic regard and fondness for someone we tend to not want to fxxk them over.

Not men like the waster the OP has had children with.

He couldn't care less about her, and petty shit like saying no to the dishwasher is nasty PA way of saying a fxxk you, to her.

If you look at the way you are treated by your partner at a micro level and ask yourself, is this how I would treat a friend?, it will bring you great clarity to the most intimate relationship you have.

Re the dishwasher.
My buddy was married a year and her husband (whom I never warmed to) suggested out of the blue that they get rid of one of the cars, save money, didn't really need two, the environment etc.,as she was running out the door to meet me.

She was surprised and said "Wow, ok, definitely worth thinking about".🤔

Anyway she meets me and it comes up.
I tell her that I bet you the CF means your car! She was surprised, thought not, but obviously gave it some thought.
They go out for dinner that night with family and in the course of the general conversation about life she decides to mention that HE is getting rid of his car for the "environment" and that she was "very proud of him".
Well.....his face was a spluttering picture she told me afterwards.
He was absolutely thinking they would get rid of HER car.
They weren't on a great network so her life would have been impacted, particularly for work.

Anyway, I honestly think a first penny dropped for her.
She put him in his place very very firmly, telling him he could do what he liked with his car but not to dream of thinking he had any businesstelling her about her own.
They remain married but she refused to ever give up work and she has changed into one tough cookie over the past 20+ years.
She is a VERY different woman to the one who absolutely adored him when they married.

He took some assignments away for several years when their marriage was in trouble, and she mentioned that they might be better off divorced.

Highly paid stints in the ME where they didn't see each other for 12 weeks at a time gave them the space to find middle peaceful ground.

It seemed to settle things down as he is very keen to keep her happy these days.

We never mixed as couples as my husband rightly saw he was a twat from their very first meeting 30 years ago.

No he’s a massive twat because even though they both work, OP does most of the household duties and parenting.

and still do most of the life admin/ school runs/ cooking /housework.

This is about much more than just washing the dishes.

Get a dishwasher. Who has time to wash up when you dont need to?

Why are you allowing this OP? Is it because in your job you see victims of incredibly serious abuse so unconsciously think you don't have it so bad?

I love the chart @Duckingella posted. It's definitely worth a look.

FWIW I was mostly a SAHM so did 95% of everything. We had a dishwasher, a tumble dryer, a cleaner, and a gardener + decorators when needed. Taking of the house had become my mental responsibility so I made the decisions about how things were done. The only thing I didn't outsource was childcare because that was my priority. The rest just slotted in or didn't happen.

You are carrying a huge load. Get the dishwasher and hire a cleaner. If DH doesn't like it he can sack the cleaner and do all their work.