DH: CF or massive Tw*t?

[AppelationStation]

I'll try to keep it brief.

Worked a 14 hour day yesterday (Monday) with travel to London for meetings. Worked from home today, finishing after 6.30pm because my Chair needed a meeting. Whilst working from home I did both school runs, took the sick dog to the vets, nipped to the shop and made the contents of a pie for tea in my lunch break. Had some flex in my hours because of yesterday but still a full on day. I sat down for 20 mins at 2ish and fell asleep for 10 of them.

Because my trustee meetings went on into the evening, I asked DH, when he got home, to assemble pie, make some mash and boil broccoli. He did so.

Because I didn't cook all of the dinner, he insisted it was my turn to wash the pots. He refuses to have a dishwasher. Usually I cook, he washes. Today he had to do some cooking, so for him it follows I do the dishes. Finished them about 11.

For context, DH does a stress free job he loves that earns just above minimum wage. I am an underpaid CEO in a small non profit that works at the sharp end with people who are homeless and/or domestic abuse survivors. I earn 30% more than he does, have way more responsibility, and still do most of the life admin/ school runs/ cooking /housework. He's a great 'fun dad', around the house, does what he's asked to, rolls his eyes if I dare to complain and considers himself a feminist.

Is he just a bog standard CF husband? Or in serious Massive Twat territory? I genuinely think my current workload will kill me early. He doesn't seem to care.

That wasn't as brief as I intended.

Don't just get one dishwasher, get two. That way you fill one up as you empty the other and no unloading

With a low stress, enjoyable job compared to your stress and long hours, he should be doing more than 50/50 of the chores and life admin. Fair doesn’t always mean equal. I vote tw*t by the way.

He’s a big fat twat. And to call himself a feminist is the cherry on top of his rubbish.

How do you think he’d react if you told him that his behaviour is putting your marriage in jeopardy?

Buy a dishwasher op and get a cleaner too. My DH refused to have a dishwasher until we got one and now he thinks they are the best thing since sliced bread. I was given my sisters old one when she moved to a house with one built in. It meant losing a cupboard and he moaned like fuck but I was adamant it was staying. He was amazed how clean the dishes were the time it was used. When it eventually packed in he said let’s get a bigger one!

My blood was boiling reading this. He's the common hybrid of a CF and a twat.

Get a dishwasher and a cleaner!

He's a twat.
Dishwashers are also more energy efficient than washing by hand so he's also anti the environment too.

Get a cleaner.

Does he have a beard? It seems to be a thing with men who call themselves feminists.

Tell him he can't be one, he's a man, and we are allowed to centre ourselves in our own political movement.

Tell him he also can't be one because he treats you like his personal support human.

A feminist for all but his wife?
If he knew your day “wfh” and insisted and refused to do the dishes then a twat. do you fold quickly? Or does he wear you down?

I am guessing tho that there must be more that can help you that he “doesn’t agree to”.

Are you going to let this kill you and deprive your kids?

Tell him how things are going to be from now on.

PS He’s a CF and a twat.

He’s a massive twat. Also why can’t you just get a dishwasher, why does he get to decide?

When we moved to this house and had the kitchen done DH said we didn't need a dishwasher.

I disagreed and said I wouldn't be washing up in the sink. 10 years later I still don't.

Basically also came here to say this.
Considers himself a feminist because he's no emasculated by earning significantly less than his wife and letting her do 99% of everything else too 🙄

Tell him you are no longer doing dishes.

You are happy to pay for a dishwasher.

Then sit back and let him choose permanent dish duty or the dishwasher.

He sounds mean.

Of course he is.

A selfish waster.

You are allowing him to get away with it too.

Stop doing anything for him at all.

Living with selfish losers who don't care for you is so damaging for your health.

I am sorry to say but he cares nothing for you and certainly no longer loves you.

Your health and well-being do not concern him.

You can accept this or you can take careful consideration as to how you are going to protect yourself, before your health is impacted.

I'm sorry if that is harsh.

Refuses to get a dishwasher and makes you wash up where’s done some veg? What am I reading?! Did you read this as you wrote it?! Fuck this, buy the dishwasher.

Massive Twat. Buy a dishwasher.

This.

You deserve much better.

Yep.

What does he bring to your life and relationship that makes up for him being lazy and selfish? He seems to not have a clue about how much you actually do. Does he ever ask you how you are? If you need anything? Being considerate and actually paying attention is really important in any relationship. As for saying you can't have a dishwasher that is ridiculous.

Maybe you should get a "stress free" job like him

Buy a ready made pie.

Share the cooking and washing up.

So he’s a feminist because he’s more than happy for you to bring in more than him AND do the majority of the day to day running of the house/ kids and emotional labour of keeping the family going.

Sounds totally fair.

I think you know he’s a twat and he’s edging into gaslighting if you believe that him SAYING he’s being supportive and him actually SUPPORTING you are two very, very different things.

He’s one of those modern day misogynist feminists. Women are there to pay for and serve him, and he will give you every encouragement in doing so, telling you that you are letting the female side down if you aren’t “having it all”.

This.

I know exactly what sort of man he is. The sort that’ll joke with his mates “the wife went off in a strop and bought A dishwasher just because I told her to wash up after I’d made the dinner. Lazy mare! Doesn’t know she’s born!”

ugh.

I would say him cooking and you doing the dishes is fair enough, if this is the usual routine you have.

If this was the only issue you guys have then I’d say draw a line in it and move on.

But this is not the issue.
This is the issue:

and still do most of the life admin/ school runs/ cooking /housework.

Why are you doing most of this?
It should be 50/50.

He’s a massive twat and couldn’t give 2 shits about you.

I would seriously reconsider my relationship because he doesn’t see you as his equal.

He’s acting like he did you a favour by cooking for you both and his kids.

How much do you earn and do you enjoy your job?
I’d also consider getting a different job.

I used to have a stressful job that needed extra hours and it worked out that I was getting less than NMW and even though I loved it, I had to give it up because I was making myself ill and not even having the financial reward from it.

Don’t burn yourself out if you can get an easier job for a similar amount of money.

This.