DH: CF or massive Tw*t?

[AppelationStation]

I'll try to keep it brief.

Worked a 14 hour day yesterday (Monday) with travel to London for meetings. Worked from home today, finishing after 6.30pm because my Chair needed a meeting. Whilst working from home I did both school runs, took the sick dog to the vets, nipped to the shop and made the contents of a pie for tea in my lunch break. Had some flex in my hours because of yesterday but still a full on day. I sat down for 20 mins at 2ish and fell asleep for 10 of them.

Because my trustee meetings went on into the evening, I asked DH, when he got home, to assemble pie, make some mash and boil broccoli. He did so.

Because I didn't cook all of the dinner, he insisted it was my turn to wash the pots. He refuses to have a dishwasher. Usually I cook, he washes. Today he had to do some cooking, so for him it follows I do the dishes. Finished them about 11.

For context, DH does a stress free job he loves that earns just above minimum wage. I am an underpaid CEO in a small non profit that works at the sharp end with people who are homeless and/or domestic abuse survivors. I earn 30% more than he does, have way more responsibility, and still do most of the life admin/ school runs/ cooking /housework. He's a great 'fun dad', around the house, does what he's asked to, rolls his eyes if I dare to complain and considers himself a feminist.

Is he just a bog standard CF husband? Or in serious Massive Twat territory? I genuinely think my current workload will kill me early. He doesn't seem to care.

That wasn't as brief as I intended.

Massive twat territory. Order the dishwasher right now. He is not the boss of you and doesn’t get to say that he doesn’t want one while you simultaneously have to wash dishes at 11pm. And sort out how chores are split - they should be 50:50. The only reason you should be doing more given your workload is if you’re a martyr. Don’t be a martyr. Let him roll his eyes while he cooks dinner and you load the dishwasher. You’re CEO of a charity that supports abused women - you know better OP.

Agree with this. He's obviously taken the rule as black and white, which I don't necessarily disagree with him with, but think you should propose to him that next time yes you'll happily do the dishes and he can do everything else. Twat is too nice.

Hang on. He refuses to get a dishwasher, but you do most of the dishes. Wow, get rid. You're a CEO, fire his arse!

He’s just a prick, OP

To give you a peak into someone else’s life - I too am the high earner but I earn 5x more and work crazy long hours. I’m just finishing work now after logging in at 9am and this is a normal working day for me. DH works a stressful job but does fixed 8am-4pm hours. He sorts out dinner, cleaning and dishes. I’m responsible for my wine glass as I’m usually having a drink when he starts the dishwasher but even then I usually just leave it on the side of the sink after debating whether I have the energy to pick up a sponge and wash it. I do morning school drop off and he does school pick up, but will cover my drop off if I’ve been up too late so I can get a bit more sleep. I sometimes find myself ironing school uniforms at silly o’clock while everyone else is in bed but I try not to complain about that because it’s the only chore I have to do. Funnily enough, DH claims not to be a feminist but his actions suggest otherwise.

I've told DD(12) to avoid men wearing "this is what a feminist looks like" shirts. All wankers.

My DH does more than me around the house, and earns more than me and is super hot and funny and doesn't call himself a feminist because, and I quote, "I know what that means". He is an ally. He's not leading the charge.

OP he's a massive twat. Leave him for your own home with a lovely dishwasher. If you think he's salvageable, buy a dishwasher and have a chat about free time. That's time with no work, and no chores. Who has some to spare and who needs some. And tell him he can't call himself a feminist until it's equal.

YABU because I dont think that he is a massive a twat at all.

He is a gold standard A grade medal winning weapons grade ARSEHOLE.

Buy the fucking dishwasher. Tell him that when he listens to you, you will listen to him and until that day, you will do what he does.....which exactly what you fucking want.

Tell your 'D'H that if you have to choose between a dishwasher and him, right now the dishwasher would win.

This. He's barely one step above cocklodger.

Order a dishwasher ASAP.

Yep.
Why women saddle themselves with such boy-men is fucking beyond me.

Why the fuck dues he get to decide whether or kit you get a dishwasher?!?

As an aside, literally everyone I know who was convinced they didn't want/need a dishwasher (including my DH) completely changed their tune once they actually had/used one.

Note that I still got dishwasher despite my DH! Because he's not in charge of everything!

Get a dish washer if you want.

Your husband needs to step up and also start being cheerful about domestic tasks.
I've never liked doing dishes after some one else cooks.

The cook should always do the dishes and clean up. Only then can one wash as one cooks and develop efficiency cooking with fewer pots.

Kids can help wash and dry plates and cutlery and they can empty the dishwasher, dry and put away. The dishwasher can be a menace when no one empties, drys or puts away and when you run out of dishes.

Make sure you are not left the bulk of the dishwasher chore.

tell him to do the dishes himself. You want a dishwasher, if he doesn’t then he can do the washing up himself

To me it is not about the fact that you earn more than him, it is the fact that you BOTH work full time (you work a more stressful job and more hours), yet you are doing the majority of the household drudge!

IMO he is both a CF and a twat. If the tables were turned and he had your role, he certainly would not be doing ANYTHING at home, he’d expect YOU to do it all. The fact is, he is calling the shots! No to the dishwasher, I cooked so you can spend hours washing dishes (even though you had shopped and basically prepped everything) and on your lighter days he expects you to do your fair share. This is all about him and his lack of care and his self importance.

So, buy the dishwasher and stop doing as much when working from home (for instance he can plan, cook, shop and make dinner). Also, if he has more time why can’t he arrange to take the dog to the vet? I bet as well that he goes out more than you do? I bet he leaves you home to go out hobby or out with friends.

He sounds lazy and entitled. Does he think the household things are ‘your’ jobs?? Sounds like it. Honestly I couldn’t spend my life with a man who does this little to support our family. Either he steps up at work and gets more money and contributes that to family life, or he uses his time properly and actually participates in the ‘doing’ as he has enough downtime.
Whatever you do, get a dishwasher.
you sound like you have much higher standards than him and he sounds like he is kind of just eating from your plate in life really.

Tell him his pedantic demand that you do the washing up the other night has made you review whether all other areas of your shared life are 50/50 and you’ve realised he needs to help more with the mental load and other tasks etc. Write out a list of all the tasks you do and ask him to pick which ones he wants. Include school admin, hobby admin, financial arrangements, present buying, clothes purchasing and organising, washing, cleaning, meal planning, vet admin, dog washing, annual leave planning etc. Make the list as long as possible, as we all know you’ll be doing tonnes, and break down each task to reflect how much work it is. For instance with a vet trip you can say keeping track of when appointments are due, organising routine appointments, organising emergency appointments etc. You could then say of course you could have just done the washing up a few extra times but this seems fairer.
In addition to above though I think you should really look at your work life balance. It sounds absolutely exhausting and you deserve rest and time for recharging. Could you do something like a 9 day fortnight so you have time to rest and recharge. If you’re working long hours anyway it makes sense.

Christmas is coming, buy him a dishwasher!

Feminist my arse. How fucking dare he? He’s barely above wanting a Stepford wife. Does he think feminism is your opportunity to prove that you can do it all and that he deserves some sort of prize for letting you do it? He’s royally taking the piss out of you. It’s time to re allocate the chores and childcare fairly, using that chart that Duckingella posted.

Order the dishwasher if you can afford it. He doesn’t give his full input into the running of the home, so you don’t need his input (or his permission) to do something that makes your life easier.

I really hope you show him this thread. It’s time to get fucking angry OP.

He's a CF and also normal. M3n are sh1t.

I know this will be unpopular with the "NotMyManNotAllMen" brigade but very few are unlike this and the ones calling themselves are the worst.

Read Zawn Villines she does a really good job of unpacking this shit.

He’s a horrible twat. Who gives a shit if he doesn’t want a dishwasher, get one.

I genuinely couldn't be married to someone who 'refused to get a dishwasher'.

Are you permitted to have a washing machine or do you mangle? Have you got a horse and trap?

Obviously buy a dishwasher,.get a cleaner, consider if your life would be happier without him in it

You are carrying the entire ‘mental load’ by the sound of it.

Read Eve Rodesky. Fair Play (it’s audible and an easy listen so perfect for your commute). Then have the conversation.

We got the cards too.

It’s helped. A lot. He now does his fair share. Hilariously I had to fight for a dishwasher. We then moved to a place without one and now he’s doing his fair share it became a priority. I suggested a tumble drier when DC were in reusables and he refused. Now he’s the laundry guy we are getting one. I asked about having a cleaner. Nope. Couldn’t afford it. Now we have one.

Last night he was complaining about being exhausted and me not appreciating what he does. I apologised and said I do. But was also recalling me having to fight to get my ‘domestic work’ and ‘mental load’ acknowledged- it wasn’t important. Didn’t need doing. I only did it because it was important to me.

Don’t give up. It took me a long time to get my ‘feminist’ husbands to shift his mindset but now he does his fair share. Eve R’s book really helped me to understand what was happening and how to verbalise it.

Absolutely!

But if writing the list would take too long the ‘Fair Play’ book and cards are already there. They are online too so you could just use the online version.

I hope the strength of these responses are having an impact OP.