DH: CF or massive Tw*t?

[AppelationStation]

I'll try to keep it brief.

Worked a 14 hour day yesterday (Monday) with travel to London for meetings. Worked from home today, finishing after 6.30pm because my Chair needed a meeting. Whilst working from home I did both school runs, took the sick dog to the vets, nipped to the shop and made the contents of a pie for tea in my lunch break. Had some flex in my hours because of yesterday but still a full on day. I sat down for 20 mins at 2ish and fell asleep for 10 of them.

Because my trustee meetings went on into the evening, I asked DH, when he got home, to assemble pie, make some mash and boil broccoli. He did so.

Because I didn't cook all of the dinner, he insisted it was my turn to wash the pots. He refuses to have a dishwasher. Usually I cook, he washes. Today he had to do some cooking, so for him it follows I do the dishes. Finished them about 11.

For context, DH does a stress free job he loves that earns just above minimum wage. I am an underpaid CEO in a small non profit that works at the sharp end with people who are homeless and/or domestic abuse survivors. I earn 30% more than he does, have way more responsibility, and still do most of the life admin/ school runs/ cooking /housework. He's a great 'fun dad', around the house, does what he's asked to, rolls his eyes if I dare to complain and considers himself a feminist.

Is he just a bog standard CF husband? Or in serious Massive Twat territory? I genuinely think my current workload will kill me early. He doesn't seem to care.

That wasn't as brief as I intended.

Eurgh. Yes. 21st century male feminists who’ve found a way to use that to gain even more from women running themselves ragged.

Buy a dishwasher OP.

Possibly replace the husband with it.😆

OK different perspective. Yes, DH should have washed up when you were exhausted.
However, your exhaustion seems to be mostly tied to your job and the stress it entails. Maybe you should switch it for a more stress free one and a better split of chores (that you'll potentially have to define, but it doesn't sound like DH is unwilling).

I also have to say that I noted that you point out your work day finished at 6.30pm, but you also fitted in both school runs, going to the vet, going to the shop, making a pie and having an afternoon break/nap. So, really your actual working hours seem to be shorter than a full time day and, from that perspective, there's no reason not to wash up after DH has cooked if that's your normal pattern.

Agree with the others, he's capitalising on the simplicity of the One cooks Other cleans rule, when the situation was more nuanced than that. and as was pointed out upthread, he doesn't care that he's using the simplicity of that rule to sit on the sofa.

So his mindset is; I cooked a portion of the dinner, therefore you wash up. Completely skipping over the fact that you also cooked a portion of the dinner, and in fact a larger portion. How does that compute? Like, how has he squared that off in his own head?

Some people are mind-boggling when it comes to twisted logic. "I deserve this because..." or "It's not my fault because..." Sometimes they'd leave you speechless.

I do also think OP that you are enabling him, and making your life harder than it needs to be.

Just with regards to your OP:

• I would have got freezer food in or a takeaway on such a busy day (you even went to the shop!) and delayed the pie.
• When told I need to wash up because he 'cooked' , I would have said no and explained why.

You can't blame him for all of this!

If it was me I would make mine and the kids dinner for a week only (and do my own dishes). I know this would make me the ornery tw.t though so not the best advice.

Get a dishwasher for your convenience too. If he wants to be dishwasher boss then let him do all his own dishes.

Hang on, what?! This man is being labelled a “massive fucking twat” because he cooked the dinner but expected his wife to wash the pots? Just as HE does every other night?!

What on earth are you all on? Why is this so awful? OP says he does other stuff around the house, and other things when asked. So what on earth is all the vitriol about?

MNetters are absolutely mental sometimes.

I love a success story. Well done! And your children will benefit too, with growing up in an equal household to look back on when they’re designing their own adult lives.

He supports a woman’s right to do it all!
Of course he’s a feminist.

Nothing “cheeky” about him - he’s just an arsehole. But get some backbone too - why is a dishwasher his unilateral decision?

@TheAlchemistElixa he won’t ‘let’ her get a dishwasher. He’s the dishwasher police with no concept that she did most of the preparation for a particular dinner but because he put it in the oven he expected her to do all the dishes! The dishes are not really the issue it’s his attitude.

Because she was fucking KNACKERED. All he had to do not to be a massive twat was see his wife had worked as much if not more than him, was feeling knackered, and offered to help do the dishes. Out of kindness, out of love, instead of sticking like a twat to a ‘fairness’ rule that’s not even fair most days (because most days she’s doing everything except the dishes).

And your point is? The OP is looking for a bit of extra support, is that too much to ask for.

As for not wanting a dishwasher, what's that all about 🤔

I am usually all for joint money but if he isn't supporting you to be the higher earner by picking up the domestic slack then I'd be looking at separate accounts so you can keep the benefit of your additional labour for yourself.

So if a man earned more you would expect his wife to “pick up the domestic slack”?

Massive Twat

you don't compromise by one person getting there way

get a dishwasher and let him carry on doing the washing up if he chooses

Stop making the evening meal, let him sort it, stop running around doing all the stuff in your breaks - do the bare minimum

start asking him whats for dinner tonight? start asking him where your clean shirt is? literally pass his share of the load to him. Stop mental thinking about this stuff.

Because she was fucking KNACKERED. All he had to do not to be a massive twat was see his wife had worked as much if not more than him, was feeling knackered, and offered to help do the dishes. Out of kindness, out of love, instead of sticking like a twat to a ‘fairness’ rule that’s not even fair most days (because most days she’s doing everything except the dishes).

all she had to do was ignore the pots till tomorrow!

@AppelationStation this isn’t the first time the lack of a dishwasher and you having to do the dishes on top of everything else has tipped you towards the edge. It’s a trigger, and it’s a trigger for a reason, IMO. It’s a sign of whether he cares for you and appreciates you because it’s the only job he has and when you have to do it too, on top
of the rest, it’s smacking you in the face that he can’t appreciate your feelings or emotional life.

Get a dishwasher with your own money…

Your life is not that different to that of many of the coupled up women I know. The only difference between you and them is that you are aware of it. Most other women seem to be asleep and just accept this life of drudgery and stress. I watched my beautiful best friend, who hankered after the dream of hubby and kids (and why not?) turn into a stressed out servant after getting together with her dp, who is a nice enough person.

I have no advice for you because I just don’t understand why intelligent women are not enraged by this and have been so gaslighted that they have to ask MN if they are being gaslighted.

And I bet a lot of the women advising you on here are equally undermined but just haven’t noticed it yet.

To me the advice to get a dishwasher is no solution at all, not in the long run.

If he refuses to have a diswasher, he needs to wash up, regardless of whose cooked.

And he needs to step up with all the other shit as well.

He's a massive twat imo.

When he still wouldn’t have done them, I would bet you. Because ‘he cooked’ last night and those were ‘her’ pots to wash.

If you don’t live with someone like this it’s hard to appreciate how petty some people can be.

He refuses to have a dishwasher

In this house he could refuse until he's blue in the face, we'd still have one. In answer to your question he is both a CF and a massive twat.

As op said get a dishwasher. Why does he get to decide? And a cleaner if you can.
It's actually not hard to be a fun dad is it? That's the basic MO of being a parent. It's just you also have to do boring stuff like cleaning, life admin, school runs, and providing for the family on top and he seems to have opted out of those bits.

Exactly this!

If he's refusing to get a dishwasher then he'd be doing ALL of the washing up!
Why does he get the final say? I'd be buying one pronto and paying for a cleaner too. He's a twat.