DH: CF or massive Tw*t?

[AppelationStation]

I'll try to keep it brief.

Worked a 14 hour day yesterday (Monday) with travel to London for meetings. Worked from home today, finishing after 6.30pm because my Chair needed a meeting. Whilst working from home I did both school runs, took the sick dog to the vets, nipped to the shop and made the contents of a pie for tea in my lunch break. Had some flex in my hours because of yesterday but still a full on day. I sat down for 20 mins at 2ish and fell asleep for 10 of them.

Because my trustee meetings went on into the evening, I asked DH, when he got home, to assemble pie, make some mash and boil broccoli. He did so.

Because I didn't cook all of the dinner, he insisted it was my turn to wash the pots. He refuses to have a dishwasher. Usually I cook, he washes. Today he had to do some cooking, so for him it follows I do the dishes. Finished them about 11.

For context, DH does a stress free job he loves that earns just above minimum wage. I am an underpaid CEO in a small non profit that works at the sharp end with people who are homeless and/or domestic abuse survivors. I earn 30% more than he does, have way more responsibility, and still do most of the life admin/ school runs/ cooking /housework. He's a great 'fun dad', around the house, does what he's asked to, rolls his eyes if I dare to complain and considers himself a feminist.

Is he just a bog standard CF husband? Or in serious Massive Twat territory? I genuinely think my current workload will kill me early. He doesn't seem to care.

That wasn't as brief as I intended.

Sorry but I agree with this. I wouldn't be making a pie from scratch mid week if I was as busy as this! Sod that. Why make life harder than it needs to be? Making a pie from scratch is a weekend task imo.

That aside, I'd definitely be getting a dishwasher! Could not cope without one. I'd be telling DH if he's so set against a dishwasher then he can wash up himself every day 🤷‍♀️

The thing is, everyone thinks so highly of him, I think I must be the problem. We once did one of thise personality type things for a laugh and his came out as the same as Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King. It's become a family joke.

oh dear dear @AppelationStation my heart goes out to you. I want to give you a big hug. It's not you; it's him.

My father's like that. People outside the family love him: they think he's spiritual, gentle, and very wise. The people who think this do not include my mother (his ex-wife because he had affairs since I was 2 years old) nor me and my sisters.

I'm confess, I looked up some of your other threads. You've been upset and beating yourself up for at least a year. Did you have a nice holiday in France? Or did he fuck that up?

You are worth more than this. And you have a whole thread of other women telling you this, and advising you to talk to him, to divide things up fairly etc etc.

But reading your threads, I am getting a sense of panic: I was once in a relationship with a recalcitrant selfish man (given my father, I have made some terrible choices in relationships). And I knew that what I used to ask of my boyfriend was not unreasonable or I was not being a drama queen.

I thought that if I talked to him, and was fair and rational, we could work thigs through. But he was intransigent & impervious. He would just do what he wanted. He would act selfishly, and if I did something for him (I remember using my day off once to do a long & tedious thing for him) he'd say "It's your problem. You offered." Yet, he expected me to offer.

And, in relationships between people, the person who says "No" usually grabs the power this way. Saying "No" is ultimately life-denying, but in a telationship, it's the No sayer who calls the shots.

So, @AppelationStation I don't think that "talking to him" or "dividing up tasks" etc etc is going to work. He's a nasty fucker and doesn't respect you.

I think he needs to experience what he is putting at risk by his behaviour. You need to simply walk out, and stop the money flow. It doesn't need to be permanent, but he needs to experience (not just be told in words) what he is currently putting in jeopardy.

I really really wish you luck. You deserve a partner who respects you.

TWAT

Buy a dishwasher & get someone in to sort out the plumbing etc in the kitchen.
It's the 21st century, a dishwasher is a standard requirement in a kitchen IMO

You echoed my own thoughts exactly. I’d just say:

“Stick your sloe gin so far up your arse that it dribbles out of your nose.
I’m 99% sure I’m done. The only 1% chance you have to save this is a personality transplant overnight”.

I think you need to find your anger OP. I’m so angry for you. Now I know he’s camper van twat I’m furious on your behalf.

We have always resisted having a tumble dryer, they aren't energy efficient, we can line dry etc.

The clothes rack and dehumidifier are in the room I WFH in so sometimes it's noisy and cramped.

But husband has always done at least his fair share of chores, we are a team and I can take it.

This year I've been undergoing cancer treatment; he's been looking after me, picking up all the house chores, AND working in the room with the laundry.... he's a good man and I'm glad to have him in my life.

We are getting a tumble dryer. It isn't that my husband is lazy, or a misogynist, or a free loader. It's that he's now seen first hand that it will make a positive difference to one aspect of our lives and we are worth that.

Your husband on the other hand.....

I'm sorry to add yet another voice to the overwhelming barrage of criticism but I see no point at which you two are a team, and he is not a feminist. The gin thing would tip me further over the edge.

As for what I'd be saying tonight? It would start with "I've ordered a dishwasher" and see where the conversation goes from there.

You really do need to get rid of this cunt. I remember your last post too.
Think how free and lovely your life would be without him 🙂

Oh god, he's camper van twat.

OP, what do you see in him? What does he actually bring to your marriage?

My father thought he was the bees knees. And people outside thought he was well spoken, well read, a family man with a beautiful house and omg the best garden around. He was a fine upstanding member of the community.
Shame that the reality was he was a toxic narcissistic wife beating bully who cared only for himself.
Now in my world, a fine upstanding member of the community is probably the biggest insult I use. My dds know what I mean if I describe someone as such.
Who gives a fuck what people outside think. They are wrong.
You know this.

Yes, twat.

I remember your twat of a husband now.
He is a horrible selfish man who doesn't even pay for his child and it's very clear he doesn't even like you op.
He actively makes choices that make life harder for you.
So what you had a glass of sloe gin?! He doesn't listen to you about anything, he affords you no consideration at all, fuck him and his fucking sloe gin, I'd pour it all down the bloody sink.

You need to leave this man, he isn't a good role model for your son either so please don't feel bad about that aspect.

Pp said they hate him, so do I, I'm so furious for you.

He's a manipulator.

It doesn't matter a jot what anyone else thinks of him. Nobody is going to come in with a clipboard one day and say yes, you have suffered enough my darling, you are free to leave.

You can choose to leave this shit vortex. You don't need permission. I left a man who everyone thought was a good egg but behind closed doors he was also calmy weirdly tyrannical, it's a good description. I can honestly say that I have not regretted it for a second, not one single solitary second.

And I doubt you would either. Freedom and a fucking fancy dishwasher awaits you. And all the sloe gin you can drink, whenever you want. Cut him loose.

@AppelationStation

So Dishwasher Twat is Campervan Twat? He is a financially and emotionally abusive arsehole.

He is not a good dad. Good dads don't abuse the mothers of their children. Growing up in an abusive home is hugely damaging for children.

And you are the CEO of a charity that supports domestic abuse survivors?

What do you think your colleagues would say if you told them everything you've said on here?

Wake up and see what's staring you in the face. Stop putting up with his shit and his nasty, mean and self serving ways and get out.

You and your son deserve better. A lot better.

It doesn't matter a jot what anyone else thinks of him. Nobody is going to come in with a clipboard one day and say yes, you have suffered enough my darling, you are free to leave.

Just repeating this. It’s wise.

We’ve all want validation for our decisions. That’s human.

You feel like you’re surrounded by people who care for him, not you. His family, his friends, his community.

This thread is your community, your family. It’s not you. You’re not wrong to feel isolated, unappreciated, overworked, overwhelmed.

You can leave if you need to. Or even if you just want to.

Oh my god. I remember campervan husband.

OP, every future moment you spend in this marriage is lost time.

He's a selfish prick. He doesn't care about your feelings. I'm not sure what you're waiting for.

Kick him out.

Dishwasher, beagle, buy your own gin.

Your son will be better for it.

Deffo massive twat territory here. But it’s you. You are the massive twat.

And how fucking lovely he has time for hobbies like making sloe gin.

Do you have time for hobbies OP? In between doing 90% of the domestic load, earning the majority of the money, and single handedly restoring a campervan that he couldn't be arsed to get a MOT for in time for the family holiday YOU planned and paid for?

It's probably occurred to you OP, but if you left DH's rural home town that he dragged you to, and moved back to a city - as an experienced charity CEO you would have a lot more job opportunities with much better pay prospects.

Leave him in his town with his hobby job, illegal campervan and sloe gin. Absolute prick.

I find it very upsetting the idea of a life partner adding up who's done what in a single day and demanding a chore out of you in order to be ruthlessly "fair"

My XH would consider himself a feminist. He also claimed he did a huge amount around the house (‘I do most of the cooking’ mmm heating things up is barely cooking). He also twisted things and blamed me whilst convincing the rest of the world he was wonderful. Also the anger and resentment/being in the dog house is familiar.
It took two completely separate people (never met) telling me some of his behaviour was controlling to see him for what he really was. We’d been together 15 years and I genuinely didn’t realise. It was like the scales fell off my eyes/glass shattering noise. I made plans to end it after that.
Honestly? Even though I’m a single parent with health problems, I’m better now than I was with him. The amount I have to do at home doesn’t feel like it’s changed much. My friend asked a couple of months after he left if I missed him. I replied ‘Only when I have to put the bin out!’ (I struggled due to an injury which has settled now). He created way more work at home and drama, especially with DD than he contributed. 2 years later, I still think of something he used to do and I thank my lucky stars we are divorced.

What? Why?

1. he sounds petty, like a teenager arguing with a sibling, over chores. Where is his empathy for you? Where is his responsibility, to stand up and lead when you’re busy.

2. what sort of role model is he providing for your children?

3. it sounds like you’re smart. Why do you not know better, or do you know it in your gut? It makes me sad that able and financially independent women like you, are still treated like this in today’s times.

Oh it's the campervan one.

Well, this is just life with this man. You can either continue to choose this life and start threads on Mumsnet about how shit it is, or you can choose a better life for yourself and your kids.

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic. I'm the child of an unhappy marriage and, whilst I can see that one of my parents was the perpetrator, I resent both of them for maintaining the status quo that was so bloody miserable for all of us.

Don't know this campervan thread, but one thing I DO know is when you read about the utterly shite lives of women like the OP, ........when they give you a thread of a snapshot of their life, I ALWAYS know it is NEVER in isolation......as do many others.

These selfish arseholes are always consistently arseholes in many areas and are absolute horrors as fathers.

I have multiple good friends that grew up in MC homes where there wasn't any overt abuse like alcohol or violence but where there fathers were deeply selfish men that treated their mothers with very little care or consideration.

Kept household budgets tight, never lifted a cup etc.

In any of the cases where the mothers died first, they stepped away and used the excuse of their own familys to not be involved in their care.

Where the fathers popped off first, they shed few if any tears and their mothers remaining years were blessed and happy.

Children grow up and they see the selfishness and ugliness of men like this clearly.

It is a sadness that remains with them in my experience.