DH: CF or massive Tw*t?

[AppelationStation]

I'll try to keep it brief.

Worked a 14 hour day yesterday (Monday) with travel to London for meetings. Worked from home today, finishing after 6.30pm because my Chair needed a meeting. Whilst working from home I did both school runs, took the sick dog to the vets, nipped to the shop and made the contents of a pie for tea in my lunch break. Had some flex in my hours because of yesterday but still a full on day. I sat down for 20 mins at 2ish and fell asleep for 10 of them.

Because my trustee meetings went on into the evening, I asked DH, when he got home, to assemble pie, make some mash and boil broccoli. He did so.

Because I didn't cook all of the dinner, he insisted it was my turn to wash the pots. He refuses to have a dishwasher. Usually I cook, he washes. Today he had to do some cooking, so for him it follows I do the dishes. Finished them about 11.

For context, DH does a stress free job he loves that earns just above minimum wage. I am an underpaid CEO in a small non profit that works at the sharp end with people who are homeless and/or domestic abuse survivors. I earn 30% more than he does, have way more responsibility, and still do most of the life admin/ school runs/ cooking /housework. He's a great 'fun dad', around the house, does what he's asked to, rolls his eyes if I dare to complain and considers himself a feminist.

Is he just a bog standard CF husband? Or in serious Massive Twat territory? I genuinely think my current workload will kill me early. He doesn't seem to care.

That wasn't as brief as I intended.

Please listen. It's not you it's him. If course he appears lovely to others. Controlling people always do. Please think of DC if not yourself. They'll start picking up on his behaviour. You deserve a life.

Of*

Please look up the Freedom Programme. There's gaslighting and coercive control going on in your relationship- Your 'd'H is a twat.

The bit that got me here wasn't about the dishwasher, it was "he insisted I wash up". How can a man look at his partner when she is clearly run ragged and struggling and INSIST she does a household chore when he has sauntered in from an easy day?

@billy1966 campervan thread -
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4848671-to-think-dhs-actions-have-big-consequences?page=1

campervan thread just provides more evidence for what you said

Thank you....can my blood pressure take it though?🙄🤔😄

don’t usually search for OP’s other posts but mentions of the campervan thread (which I read at the time and seethed on OP’s behalf) made me search.

OP’s you’ve had a tough time, you’ve done so well, have a lovely child, a pressurised job in a very important sector, and held all the spinning plates your husband couldn’t be bothered to support you with. I can only imagine what you would be able to achieve without such a dead weight in your life.

I also hope you’re able to recoup the money he’s taken from you under some guise of you being wasteful when you were just taking proper care of your child.

all the best and we’re here for you

Hmm probably not 😂😵‍💫

I remember the campervan thread!
It was a unanimous LTB then.

Is all your money still being deposited into an account that is only in his name that you have to ask to use?

It's still a LTB.

You're being abused and used and you'd be much better off moving back to London.

Oh yes. House devil, street angel my late mum used to call these types. They have a very carefully crafted public persona.

Why I always roll my eyes at the, but I've known him 12 years from social group or school or something and turns out in a relationship he's a complete twat.

Fucking hell- I posted my comment on the back of this thread alone. I had no idea of your previous thread- have my first LTB. Leave this sorry arse of a man and go back to London with your son and LIVE!!! You deserve so much more. He is abusive- you don't need me to tell you how.

House devil Street angel is exactly the term my mum used too.
Even thought she still stayed with him till he died.
Peacefully in his sleep the bastard.

Yep to all this. He's very short sighted in what you do and is willing to short change you when he's supposed to provide support - unasked for, as he's supposed to be a thinking adult. 🌹

I have a former colleague like this. Down to the calling himself a feminist, making sloe gin, hobby job, claiming he does most of the cooking, Mandela/MLK complex, emotionally avoidant passive aggressiveness.

Every woman who has worked with him over a longer period knows he's an absolute twat, and eyerolls whenever he goes on about feminism. Trust me, there are people who already know and won't be surprised.

I hope that @AppelationStation is still reading, and that it's not too hard to read random internet strangers' dissection of her marriage online.

It's meant kindly OP, but a lot of these posts must be hard to read for you. Some people are criticising you, which is not fair. You've been the boiling frog.

But I hope what you take from the angry and urgent posts on this thread telling you to get rid, or at least radically change the dynamics of your marriage (I doubt this is possible - he's an arse. Period) is that:

it's not you

There are real issues here which are his, not yours

His behaviour verges on abuse

You will probably be happier separated

I wish you all the luck and fortitude you can muster, which must be hard given how much you do - you basically do a double shift, of bringing in the money for 3 people, and doing all the care & running of a house of 3 people.

Yeah he's either a bit of a twat or very low on energy and drive or some other issue.

He hasn't recognised that even ignoring the fact you work more, he hasn't done 50 percent of the chores.

Tell him eye rolling is passive aggressive and unacceptable and he needs to do more chores and value your contribution.

I hadn't realised it was Campervan Twat!

I thought he was and arsehole then, and I think he's an arsehole now.

Couldn't have it put better.

Op, please dump, divorce and move back to London with your son, and take the camper van with you. You were the one who did the work on it, so you deserve to keep it.

How did it go last night @AppelationStation ?