To stop paying 50/50 after being fired

[Copenhagener]

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We’ve always split things 50/50 (bills, mortgage, food) and then kept the rest of our paychecks to spend as we like. We were both good earners in corporate jobs and took home approximately the same, until this year when he got a new job and a massive raise.

We don’t have children yet (going through IVF).

In October, I was fired from a new job for not being ‘the right cultural fit’. I’ve never been unemployed before.

We live in his country, and I’m not eligible for any benefits, or I will never be able to become a citizen. I have enough from my last pay check to last me until January.

The job market is really rough, and I’m not getting any offers right now despite applying and networking hard. Before, I was fighting off job offers :(

I’ve saved up about £10,000 through freelance work over the past couple of years in an emergency fund. Unfortunately; the freelance work is also drying up.

My partner wants me to use that emergency fund money so we both still pay 50/50, like if I still had a job, and he wouldn’t have to increase his share of the bills/mortgage. I’m happy to put some of my savings into bills/mortgage, but feel he should shoulder more of the burden for now, until I get a new job. He can cover it all using his paycheck alone, and still have some money leftover.

The savings are my emergency fund / IVF fund if our state-funded IVF fails.

He’s from a culture where men and women tend to split everything 50/50.

Who is in the right here?

Bloody hell!

I would cancel the IVF and come back home.

You are in the right, obviously, and I would think very hard before having a child with him

I would be rethinking having a child with him given your current circumstances. What is going to happen when you are on Maternity Leave? Will he expect 50/50 then. Will you even be able to claim maternity benefit?

You are planning to have a child with a man, that you're not married to, in a country where you have no citizenship rights and no access to benefits. And to top it off you have no joint finances and pay 50% of everything even though he out-earns you.

You are either hopelessly naïve or insane.

Don't even think about having a child with this man! He would still be wanting you to pay half when you are mat leave!!

You refer to him as your partner. He sees you as a flat mate who has separate finances and is only welcome as long as you can pay your way. . He appears to have no loyalty to you, you are clearly on your own.

Come home and find someone else.

I am not usually the first to say LTB but please do this!!

You are massively financially vulnerable at the moment and your partner is showing you clearly that you will not be supported.

Cancel the IVF and book a flight home.

Please tell me that you at least jointly own the house you are paying the mortgage on??

Don't have a child with him. He could end the relationship, you have no citizenship of his country without marriage, and you could lose your child.

I'm going to disagree.

IVF - and I say this as half of an infertile childless couple - is a massive privilege. You have no recourse to public funds, but you're getting state funded IVF. If it doesn't work, then I'm afraid not all of us get to be parents. It's fucking hard, but we learn to live with that.

You're job hunting. Use your £10k to survive until you find a new job - that's what most people have to do. It's not that unusual. Unless yours going to dropefeed that his payrise means he earns £500k/yr and your joint outgoings include umpteen holidays, holiday homes and a pony.

Partners have your back.
I'd be using that 10k to leave tbh.

Time for the "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" motto.

what was your plan for after you had a child and maybe you wanted to take time off or go part time?

you don't have a partnership. you are an individual making their own way in the world. maybe there are better opportunities elsewhere for you? then go there.

Yes; we own it jointly.

This 👆🏼

I would be postponing IVF. What would you do on maternity leave?

I think you need to really sit down and talk it all out. You want to use your emergency fund for IVF, he wants you to pay 50/50 even if not in employment. You need to get on the same page.

Ultimately, you not having a job is what emergency funds are for. Everyone should have 3-6 months of basic living costs in case if possible. You don't have that as you want to spend it on something else so you need to get some income. Get yourself some seasonal work - Christmas temporary job etc to bring in anything to at least pay a portion.

if you come back to the UK would you have somewhere to stay while you worked? if so find a job in the UK rent out the other room in your current house to pay the mortgage and do that job until something else comes up where your partner and you are currently based. I say partner I mean flat share person.

You're not married, don't work and want to have children with a man who thinks you should still pay half of all expenses? And you live in a country where you have no rights or protections?

Fucking hell. Come home and don't fuck up your life.

Is your name on the mortgage?

Was that part about "not all of us get to be parents" really nessary?

If he's unwilling to carry the load you really don't have much choice but to continue to pay equally.

Look at it from the perspective of this has come to light sooner than later ie now rather than when you were on mat. leave. He's already got the attitude that this is all going to be funded by you or 50/50 regardless of your income.

Cut your losses and when you're back in work part company.

Stop the IVF. Do not have a child with this man.

If you do, him looking after Number One will be your future.

And if it all goes belly-up you'd be stuck in his country. Assuming you'd have gained residency rights by then.

Don't fuck up your life!

Quick note: I’ve been on the IVF waitlist for a year, and get 3 rounds paid for by the government: it’s incredibly generous. I won’t be able to get this anywhere else. I’m the infertile one, so if I give this up, there’s no guarantee I’d ever get to try again as I’m 33 soon. I want a baby very badly.

I’m living in a Scandinavian country where childcare is fully funded.

I do envision I’ll get another job, but it could be another few months yet; everything grinds to a halt in December here. The options for temp roles are very few, and typically reserved for students.

I have a husband who doesn't share things and expects all 50/50. I earn s fraction of him as we have a severely disabled child and I am the main carer on a low wage part time job.

My advice: read the room, cancel IVF and move back to the UK. It's downhill from where you are. How is this supposed to work with children? Childcare fees, sick kids, what about if the child has a disability (no, I did not expect this to happen to us either esp as all antenatal tests were normal). Red flags galore. Run!

I can't believe how vulnerable you are choosing to make yourself.

Same. Red flags all over this.

Think bigger picture like how will you find maternity leave later down the line and so on. You need to start treating each other like a family if you intend to become a family.