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Original poster

To stop paying 50/50 after being fired

261 replies

Copenhagener · 28/11/2023 15:31

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We’ve always split things 50/50 (bills, mortgage, food) and then kept the rest of our paychecks to spend as we like. We were both good earners in corporate jobs and took home approximately the same, until this year when he got a new job and a massive raise.

We don’t have children yet (going through IVF).

In October, I was fired from a new job for not being ‘the right cultural fit’. I’ve never been unemployed before.

We live in his country, and I’m not eligible for any benefits, or I will never be able to become a citizen. I have enough from my last pay check to last me until January.

The job market is really rough, and I’m not getting any offers right now despite applying and networking hard. Before, I was fighting off job offers :(

I’ve saved up about £10,000 through freelance work over the past couple of years in an emergency fund. Unfortunately; the freelance work is also drying up.

My partner wants me to use that emergency fund money so we both still pay 50/50, like if I still had a job, and he wouldn’t have to increase his share of the bills/mortgage. I’m happy to put some of my savings into bills/mortgage, but feel he should shoulder more of the burden for now, until I get a new job. He can cover it all using his paycheck alone, and still have some money leftover.

The savings are my emergency fund / IVF fund if our state-funded IVF fails.

He’s from a culture where men and women tend to split everything 50/50.

Who is in the right here?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Maxiedog123 · 28/11/2023 16:30

If you aren't married and can't get citizenship what would happen if you had a child and then split up?

NonPlayerCharacter · 28/11/2023 16:32

He isn't a partner.

Frasers · 28/11/2023 16:33

What Scandinavian country can they just fire you for not being rhe right cultural fit?

ActDottie · 28/11/2023 16:34

It should all be in one pot. Particularly if you’re planning on having children.

Before my husband and I had kids and we first started living together we split living costs in proportion with our salary think I ended up paying 65% and him 35%. In your case 50:50 I think is unfair.

wowsers6 · 28/11/2023 16:35

"I will have enough to last until January" is not something you say when you are trying to have a child with someone who is gainfully employed on a good salary with no money troubles.

This is crazy to try and have children with a man who is ok for you to "have enough until January".

What if, come January, you get pregnant and then are bed ridden and signed off work permanently and without pay (since you don't have a job) but will have have to subsist, pregnant, with no job and a baby in nine months to look after?

This guy is a horrible horrible person for even considering putting you in this position, who you should avoid like the plague. How selfish, manipulative and entitled of him. Cancel the IVF and LTB.

CHRIS003 · 28/11/2023 16:36

Copenhagener · 28/11/2023 15:31

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We’ve always split things 50/50 (bills, mortgage, food) and then kept the rest of our paychecks to spend as we like. We were both good earners in corporate jobs and took home approximately the same, until this year when he got a new job and a massive raise.

We don’t have children yet (going through IVF).

In October, I was fired from a new job for not being ‘the right cultural fit’. I’ve never been unemployed before.

We live in his country, and I’m not eligible for any benefits, or I will never be able to become a citizen. I have enough from my last pay check to last me until January.

The job market is really rough, and I’m not getting any offers right now despite applying and networking hard. Before, I was fighting off job offers :(

I’ve saved up about £10,000 through freelance work over the past couple of years in an emergency fund. Unfortunately; the freelance work is also drying up.

My partner wants me to use that emergency fund money so we both still pay 50/50, like if I still had a job, and he wouldn’t have to increase his share of the bills/mortgage. I’m happy to put some of my savings into bills/mortgage, but feel he should shoulder more of the burden for now, until I get a new job. He can cover it all using his paycheck alone, and still have some money leftover.

The savings are my emergency fund / IVF fund if our state-funded IVF fails.

He’s from a culture where men and women tend to split everything 50/50.

Who is in the right here?

I think that if you had said that your partner was on a income that would mean that he would struggle to pay the bills on his own then he would be right in asking you to use your savings until you get another job.
But you say he can cover the bills with some left over then I think you are right -

It makes sense for you to stay in a country that has state funded ivf and to keep your savings to use if this fails.
Hopefully he can do this for you as a temporary measure until you can get another job. Obviously if in a few months it looks like you can't get a job then you would have to review the situation and then you would have to maybe see it from his point of view.

pontipinemum · 28/11/2023 16:37

I had a stint of unemployment a few years ago DH picked up the slack. Not fully I did use some savings but as a couple we re-assessed our finances.

Splitting things 50/50 isn't fair right now.

What way will he want to split things when you are on maternity leave? (I have no clue how much you get in Denmark!)

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/11/2023 16:38

Copenhagener · 28/11/2023 15:47

Quick note: I’ve been on the IVF waitlist for a year, and get 3 rounds paid for by the government: it’s incredibly generous. I won’t be able to get this anywhere else. I’m the infertile one, so if I give this up, there’s no guarantee I’d ever get to try again as I’m 33 soon. I want a baby very badly.

I’m living in a Scandinavian country where childcare is fully funded.

I do envision I’ll get another job, but it could be another few months yet; everything grinds to a halt in December here. The options for temp roles are very few, and typically reserved for students.

I don’t know the law of this Scandinavian country but is it really right you can be sacked for this, without it being discrimination?

Equally - no this is not unreasonable of you. I’d have second thoughts about being with someone who won’t support you in this way. What kind of partnership is this?

babyproblems · 28/11/2023 16:38

Can’t believe you are planning on a baby with this man. He’s clearly not your partner!! What the F would he contribute when you are pregnant/on maternity??? Sounds like he is selfish and doesn’t understand at all what is required in a ‘partnership’. I’d run a mile whilst you still can; he’s a twat. Xx

dammit88 · 28/11/2023 16:38

Does he have any savings at all? As that might effect things?

EvieSchnoz · 28/11/2023 16:38

Beautiful3 · 28/11/2023 16:22

I think there's nothing wrong with using the £10,000 savings you have. It's a lot and you'd probably get a job soon.

That's about 2 take away coffees in Copenhagen 😣

MangoesAndPeaches · 28/11/2023 16:38

Edited as I didn’t realise you were not in the U.K., but I would double check this with an immigration advisor : Receiving benefits doesn’t stop you from being able to naturalise.

Original poster
Copenhagener · 28/11/2023 16:43

MangoesAndPeaches · 28/11/2023 16:38

Edited as I didn’t realise you were not in the U.K., but I would double check this with an immigration advisor : Receiving benefits doesn’t stop you from being able to naturalise.

Edited

Spoke to SIRI about this - they sent me the following:

A number of requirements for citizenship:

  • You must have permanent residency;
  • You must have been residing lawfully in Denmark for the last nine years (eight for refugees and stateless persons);
  • You must sign a declaration of loyalty to Denmark;
  • You must not have received any social benefits for more than four months over the last five years
  • You must document Danish language skills at the level of passing the DU3 exam;
  • You must participate in a ceremony at your local city hall with a physical handshake.
OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 28/11/2023 16:46

More red flags that a Cuban parade! I cannot believe he wants you to pay 50/50 when you ARE earning - considering he out-earns you. Input should be proportional to income. I'd be on his side if you were regularly unemployed, slacking, not making an effort. Assuming you are desperately trying to get a job you two should sit down and work out together how to keep the boat afloat. If he cannot afford to float the boat then you need to chip in from emergency fund obviously. As a partnership you should both end up with the same savings / same lifestyle even if you have different incomes.

therealcookiemonster · 28/11/2023 16:47

totally an aside but why the weird emphasis on a "physical handshake"?

PippyLongTits · 28/11/2023 16:47

Is "not being a good cultural fit" a good enough reason to fire someone? What does that even mean @Copenhagener? Can you speak to anyone about unfair dismissal?

If you were single, you would still be responsible for your bills, so I can see his point, however, if you are in a partnership, then there are times that you need to carry each other along to get where you want to go, so I can see your point too.

How quickly would your emergency fund be used up if you used it to pay your half of the bills/house?

You say your savings are for IVF - has your partner also paid into this fund? Or does he have a separate savings pot with a similar amount put by for IVF?

Have you discussed how finances will be split if you have a baby? Will you be expected to pay for all the baby's toys, clothes, food, baby classes, travel, etc or would this be jointly funded? Or would he pay while you are on maternity leave and have no/reduced income?

AIBU's advice is always LTB, so take with a pinch of salt, but there are a lot of valid points on here about questions it is worth discussing before a child is brought into the mix.

Original poster
Copenhagener · 28/11/2023 16:48

Hey guys;

Thanks for all the input. He just got back from work and I’m going to sit down and have a chat with him after he’s cooked dinner about this topic.

I will update you later tonight.

I know everyone is saying LTB - but I will say he’s been the kindest, most understanding partner I’ve ever had. This is the first time we’ve ever not been on the same page.

I have nothing for me back in the U.K. and no family. I will earn my permanent residency in Denmark in August 2024, and then I have no issues with staying here forever regardless of employment status if I want, which I do.

OP posts:
CocoChanellee · 28/11/2023 16:48

Surprised that in a forward-looking Scandi country you can be fired for not being a 'cultural fit'

What does that actually mean?

I wondered if you were from the US because you used 'paycheck' rather than 'pay cheque.'

Why were you sacked?

therealcookiemonster · 28/11/2023 16:48

OP, you seem to want a baby very much and feel this is the best opportunity for you to become a mum. but I genuinely would think twice about having a child with someone who won't lend you a hand when you are in a tough spot.

Dontgivemeplants · 28/11/2023 16:49

Where is this culture where everything is split 50-50?

cruisebaba1 · 28/11/2023 16:49

greencheetah · 28/11/2023 15:33

Bloody hell!

I would cancel the IVF and come back home.

This!!

CocoChanellee · 28/11/2023 16:49

I know everyone is saying LTB - but I will say he’s been the kindest, most understanding partner I’ve ever had.

OMG it doesn't say much for the others!
Raise the bar.

Original poster
Copenhagener · 28/11/2023 16:49

therealcookiemonster · 28/11/2023 16:47

totally an aside but why the weird emphasis on a "physical handshake"?

It’s because some Muslim women don’t want to shake a man’s hand. It’s a way to prevent them becoming citizens. Sad, but true. Denmark is not pro-immigration.

OP posts:
margotrose · 28/11/2023 16:51

I know everyone is saying LTB - but I will say he’s been the kindest, most understanding partner I’ve ever had

That doesn't say much, does it?

DRS1970 · 28/11/2023 16:51

I think your paying 50/50 on everything is the last thing you should be worrying about.