To stop paying 50/50 after being fired

[Copenhagener]

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We’ve always split things 50/50 (bills, mortgage, food) and then kept the rest of our paychecks to spend as we like. We were both good earners in corporate jobs and took home approximately the same, until this year when he got a new job and a massive raise.

We don’t have children yet (going through IVF).

In October, I was fired from a new job for not being ‘the right cultural fit’. I’ve never been unemployed before.

We live in his country, and I’m not eligible for any benefits, or I will never be able to become a citizen. I have enough from my last pay check to last me until January.

The job market is really rough, and I’m not getting any offers right now despite applying and networking hard. Before, I was fighting off job offers :(

I’ve saved up about £10,000 through freelance work over the past couple of years in an emergency fund. Unfortunately; the freelance work is also drying up.

My partner wants me to use that emergency fund money so we both still pay 50/50, like if I still had a job, and he wouldn’t have to increase his share of the bills/mortgage. I’m happy to put some of my savings into bills/mortgage, but feel he should shoulder more of the burden for now, until I get a new job. He can cover it all using his paycheck alone, and still have some money leftover.

The savings are my emergency fund / IVF fund if our state-funded IVF fails.

He’s from a culture where men and women tend to split everything 50/50.

Who is in the right here?

@Copenhagener I hope you have read and will listen to the advice from those on this thread who are married to Scandanavians. Your 'partner's' behaviour is not culturally normal and he's using excuses. As much as I appreciate your intense desire for a baby, you really do need to listen to the numerous people advising you here. My ex-husband (fiance at the time) outright refused to financially support me for one-year of me being out of full-time work, he insisted everything remained 50/50 despite me having no income. I used my savings and was left with nothing. I foolishly still married him and he reneged on every agreement we'd made prior to marriage. One being the financial situation when we had children. I left him after a year after I finally woke up.

I went on to meet and marry someone with similar views to myself on finances. We are financially compatible. We have children together and there was no nonsense from him.

Take heed, you and your flatmate are not compatible.

Lift your standards OP.

Don't proceed with IVF until you're genuinely supported.

Once you’ve been at a job 6 months it’s a bit more tricky to get fired. They need to give you 3 months’ notice. Before that, it’s simple and they don’t even need to give a reason. I created a post about it before if you’d like to take a look. Essentially, the CEO didn’t like me - hence, not the right fit. He also fired my predecessor and his predecessor. I didn’t know this until I started.

@therealcookiemonster
It's because some religious groups (ie muslims) won't shake hands with the opposite sex, which the gov says is a sign of possible extremism.
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/sep/20/danish-mayors-vow-to-ignore-citizenship-handshake-rule

I think there's a bit of cultural misunderstanding on this thread. Denmark is definitely ahead of the UK in terms of equality between the sexes. Danish women are very independent and proudly so, from what I can see. Having DC without being married is very common, not frowned upon and you aren't disadvantaged if you do that. I wouldn't abandon a whole life with a partner who is otherwise great and a healthcare system that offers three rounds of IVF when you need it, just over one sticky point of principle OP. You're right to discuss it further. Lay out your worries and why you don't want to spend your savings and I would also ask about what happens when/if you're on maternity leave and a reduced income. There needs to be a bit of flexibility, a bit of give and take.

Your desperate for a baby with an asshole for a father.

Crack on then.

Madness.

that is seriously disturbing.

Has he also saved £10k for IVF? If everything is supposed to be 50/50 then that includes IVF.

He is showing a lot of financial red flags here. What’s going to happen during maternity leave ? Is he really going to expect you to pay 50% if you become unwell during pregnancy ?

Don’t have a child with this man. He’ll expect you to pay 50/50 when you’re on maternity leave, he’ll expect you to pay for everything child related out of your salary when you go back to work, he’ll have the attitude that childcare is your problem. Run back to your own country.

@Meezer so ridiculous. but I guess that's what a right wing government gets you...

Be very certain you are happy being trapped in Denmark forever if you do have a child there. Its not negotiable after the birth.

His stance is selfish and thoughtless. Presumably he is not undergoing the physical aspect of IVF, or pregnancy or birth or breastfeeding. You will take a career hit after all that too. So what's his contribution there?

Personally, I would be insisting on marriage and everything into the same financial pot, before gifting any man a child - especially if it was not in my country.

Dont underestimate how much your 'foreignness' was a factor in not being a good cultural fit. This is just one of the many ways he has the advantage, while you make the sacrifices. Add a baby to the mix, and this equation will be so much more weighted to his advantage. And if he is not willing to acknowledge this now, while you are still relatively equal in power, your future with him does not look great. Caveat emptor.

Please, please, please protect yourself financially. Do you understand the financial protections in Denmark for unmarried parents?

I appreciate you don't want to come back to the UK - things aren't great here! - but overwhelmingly women disadvantage themselves career-wise and financially when they have children, so do consider what would happen if this all went wrong.

Can you ask him if you were to use your savings would he be paying for the IVF if you need to pay for it as your savings were planned for the IVF and if you use them you won’t have any money for it.

Rather than being a couple operating and supporting each other in the same unit, I think he has a different view of relationships. Despite sleeping in the same bed and having sex, his view of what a relationship is, is that you stay firmly on your side, and he stays on his. Inside his head, you might always be kept at a distance.

Some highly selfish, stingy men are like this, and they'll use modern, progressive ideas of relationships to ensure they never have to be supportive, never have to be generous.

When the woman gives birth, she's expected to be back at work full time as fast a possible, like she's a machine. If she doesn't, she risks being called lazy or being accused of being a freeloader, or made to feel like she's SUCH an inconvenience. Such men hate the thought of being generous in any way, even if it's to the mother of their own children.

But, funnily enough, these women seem to often end up working AND doing most of the childcare and housework.....yes.....very progressive.....

Please be careful you don't end up like that.

if you were on your own in Denmark and unemployed with no access to benefits, then what would you have to pay for? eg if you had ability to cancel all non-essential payments and subscriptions, survive on economy food and keep the heating/lights off until you could downsize to a houseshare in a few months… id suggest you pay that much toward your living expenses with your partner.

it sounds like you’ll have a job again in a few months

i do also question why you’d put yourself in such a precarious living situation AND try to conceive a baby - at least wait for your full citizenship to give you support. Aware there advantages to being married?

Well I hope you have a successful 'chat'

But whilst I accept why you want to continue IVF think long and hard about your future because if you ever split further down the line don't expect to be treated fairly

Any reason you're not getting married first? I don't know how Scandi countries treat spouses rather than partners but are you making yourself even more vulnerable?

We are going through a hard time at the moment. DH runs a business which - through no fault of his own - is really struggling. I have had to all my smallish inheritance to go in 50/50 on bills for the last three months, as my earnings are less than his - and he needs help.

He has paid the lion's share of everything for over twenty years and is mortified that I am using the only money I have (£20K inheritance) and I know that if he is EVER in a position to pay it back to me, he will.

We are a team and he needs me to help out now until things are better for him. Sometimes it's fine to use your savings to pay your way.

Sometimes it's not.

The massive difference here is that your partner can easily afford to cover it, and is choosing not to.

So marriage in Denmark doesn't confer any protection to the wife (when there are children)?

I wouldn't say it is the cultural norm in Scandinavia to go 50/50 even when the other is unemployed or sick etc.

You are not a team in this relationship at the moment. It's survival of the fittest.

What happens if/when your savings run out?

This is not necessarily a temporary situation. It's possible that you might never be on equal incomes again. One of you might have a career that takes off while the others career stagnates. How would that work? This is new territory and it will change your relationship. There is a lot to be ironed out before bringing a baby into the equation.

Good you are having a chat.

He should be understanding that 10k of savings should be saved for your joint life, particularly when you guys are intending on having a family.

He also should understand that he outearns you, and as much as he wants things to be ‘50/50’, it isn’t 50/50. he earns considerably more. The IVF process also won’t be 50/50, I assure you.

Some scandi men use their beardy blokey third wave feminism as a way to rationalise being selfish cheapskates. Even if they perform ‘gender equality’ well by being food good cooks and a dab hand with a mop.

You aren’t ‘lucky’ that he’s a sweet, helpful, good cook. You’ve been financially taken advantage of since he got that huge raise and didn’t propose a proportional split so you wouldn’t be out of pocket. 50/50 for him allows him to profit off you and build his savings whilst you drain yours.

I would first have an open conversation with him about how important psychologically and practically your safety net is and that you really hope that during this tricky period you can pull together as a team and he can help support you temporarily. Explain you don’t take it for granted and you being there for each other emotionally and where needed financially at times like this is important.

good luck with the job hunt and do try not to take it personally. The amount of roles that end for this reason is much bigger than most people realise and the sad fact is that it is the senior employee’s personality that is never told to flex.

Don’t you mean spouse? It is not specific to women. It is equal, like in the uk.

Don't have children with this man

Totally as above I'm afraid .However look at this as a very narrow escape .Time to really rethink this relationship