To stop paying 50/50 after being fired

[Copenhagener]

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We’ve always split things 50/50 (bills, mortgage, food) and then kept the rest of our paychecks to spend as we like. We were both good earners in corporate jobs and took home approximately the same, until this year when he got a new job and a massive raise.

We don’t have children yet (going through IVF).

In October, I was fired from a new job for not being ‘the right cultural fit’. I’ve never been unemployed before.

We live in his country, and I’m not eligible for any benefits, or I will never be able to become a citizen. I have enough from my last pay check to last me until January.

The job market is really rough, and I’m not getting any offers right now despite applying and networking hard. Before, I was fighting off job offers :(

I’ve saved up about £10,000 through freelance work over the past couple of years in an emergency fund. Unfortunately; the freelance work is also drying up.

My partner wants me to use that emergency fund money so we both still pay 50/50, like if I still had a job, and he wouldn’t have to increase his share of the bills/mortgage. I’m happy to put some of my savings into bills/mortgage, but feel he should shoulder more of the burden for now, until I get a new job. He can cover it all using his paycheck alone, and still have some money leftover.

The savings are my emergency fund / IVF fund if our state-funded IVF fails.

He’s from a culture where men and women tend to split everything 50/50.

Who is in the right here?

Excellent, I told you you should just talk to him. This is more like Scandi behaviour, but he probably kind of expected you to read his mind. That’s how we work. :)

I will never be able to become a citizen

Why not?? You've been with him 10 years. People residing lawfully in Denmark get citizenship (with FULL RIGHTS) after 9 years...

Well. I guess if you don't have kids it's a matter of, would you foot the bill if it happened the other way around? I pay all the bills in my house because I have a child with my partner. My partner goes halves on the shopping bill and pays for our daughters clothes etc. I'm the higher earner so this works for us. However if we didn't have a child I'd expect a lot more contributions.
One thing I would like to say is, if you do have a child together he will certainly need to change his views because there ain't no way you will want to go back to full time work after 9 months. And if you do then prepare for a hard life where you forget if you even love each other.
Only my opinion, but women should only work part time, and with the other time take care of the house and kids. Ain't no man naturally able to look after kids like a woman. You're going to spend a forrune on childcare, come home and hardly spend time with kid, house will be a mess, nobody can be bothered cooking tea so always rushed food and kitchen looks like a pig sty. And if you do try to keep on top of everything you're going to argue, all the time, because life is so shit.

I agree with the comments too. Your partner doesn't seem committed to a mutual relationship other than a 50/50 split. You've been housemates for 10 years in my opinion. If I was in your position I would be asking him to buy you out of the mortgage (by your explanation he can definitely afford the mortgage by himself) and move back to your homeland. The old expression, plenty more fish in the sea comes to mind. Good luck OP.

You've been housemates for 10 years in my opinion.

This is ridiculous. Scandinavia is not like the UK, marriage is not a huge deal. She doesn’t want to move back to the UK. Neither would I tbh. No way in hell.

This may be a case of a person showing you how they behave when things aren't going right in your life. I would think long and hard before having a child with him.

I wouldn’t be trying for a baby with a man like that. Even if you still had your job it sounds like you were still splitting things 50/50 even though he got a massive pay rise? What planet does he live on?! And no I wouldn’t be using any of my savings. I’d cut my losses and start over with someone who is fair and decent. Good luck

@Pinkfluff76 Did you read her update? She has it so much better than all the British women on here complaining daily about their shitty cheating husbands. But op, join the A-kasse fgs.

He is in the right

This x1000. Why would you even consider producing a child with someone who clearly doesn't have your back?

Christ, does anyone remember the days when men took pride in providing for their families?! Now these self-centered juvenile assholes are all 50/50 unless of course it benefits them. And women continue to fall for it! Does my head in.

What an amazing conclusion to the problem that seemed too big for me to even comprehend! You two seem like an amazing, mature couple and a perfect fit! Also to have this kind of conversation and come out on the other side understanding each other better just fills me up with joy! Bestest of luck with your job hunt and the lVF, you seem like soulmates that can achieve anything they set their minds on 💜💐

100%

It does happen, it's a smokescreen for "we don't like you".

You serious? Is this OP's partner writing this? OP needs to be settling for a man who is there for her when the chips are down, not someone who puts the financial boot in when she's at a low. He's a dick, I have zero respect for selfish arseholes like him.

I knew as soon as I read the 50/50 split thing no matter what he’d be from a Scandinavian country.

Here is the OP's most recent update which you seem either to have missed or misunderstood, @Lavenderblue11:

Q
Copenhagener ·
Okay, we had a long chat.

He said he’s happy to cover 95% of the bills, with me chipping in 5% towards ‘fun money’ for hobbies, going out, etc from freelance money. Drew up a spreadsheet with all the outgoings in it, and we worked out we’ll have about £500-1,000 leftover after bills are paid if we tighten our belts (he also gets a tax rebate now I’m not working).

He also said he’s happy to get married next week if it makes me feel more secure. It has no bearing on my ability to be here, and I’m not super into marriage, but I’m okay going to the town hall and registering.

He said he’s sorry I felt stressed over this. He said he assumed I’d get a new job by January, and I’d have more freelance opportunities, and that I wouldn’t want him to interfere in my finances. He doesn’t want to touch my emergency fund.

re: ‘my’ IVF fund. He paid for a bathroom renovation, I saved for IVF ‘back up’ if tThe 3 state attempts didn’t work out. They cost the same.

Re: income discrepancies. He got his big raise in April. Before that, we earned more or less the same. I was freelancing a lot at the time too as well as my regular job, so we earned roughly the same. It’s only in the last month or two that my freelance work dried up.
UQ

Together 10 years, here in Copenhagen together for only 5 of them. I can become a citizen as long as I don’t claim public benefits.

💐

@Lavenderblue11
Maybe you should check OP’s updates??? They had a conversation after he cooked them a meal, talked everything through and he came out shining…bitter with your own life and not paying attention much? I’ve been with my partner for almost three decades and l can tell you it would definitely take more than one conversation to sort even a smaller problem than this (and we do love each-other)
Maybe read the whole thread first (or even OP’s replies) before replying?

https://uim.dk/statsborgerskab/udenlandske-statsborgere/betingelser/selvforsoergelse/

I’m not sure why you aren’t listening to the posters on this thread who know about the Danish rules for statsborgskab (dagpenge doesn’t count) or have advised you that you really should get enrolled with an A-kasse. But it would be in your best interests to do so.

Why you attempting to have a baby...he a partner not a husband and you in his country and he wants 50:50 when you not working...book flight back and go home. Cut your losses...huge red flags ..if you did have a baby and on maternity will you be 50:50 if the relationship didn't work will he keep child. Honestly re think IVF.

Ye gods there are some right gullible ones on here, thinking the OPs partner is a keeper. And what a low bar you set.

Really?

it took the OP to sit him down and effectively spell out to him he's a tight arse. If she hadn't he'd still have been perfectly happy to have a full bank account while the OP was struggling. What a stingy tightwad. His card is marked but not by the OP.

heaven help you if you do have children.

So can you please once and for all tell us why on earth you are not in the A-kasse? Why are you avoiding this question?

Wondering the same. There must be a reason or two behind this because it doesn’t make sense.

You think she’d be better off in the UK than Denmark? Dream on.