To stop paying 50/50 after being fired

[Copenhagener]

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We’ve always split things 50/50 (bills, mortgage, food) and then kept the rest of our paychecks to spend as we like. We were both good earners in corporate jobs and took home approximately the same, until this year when he got a new job and a massive raise.

We don’t have children yet (going through IVF).

In October, I was fired from a new job for not being ‘the right cultural fit’. I’ve never been unemployed before.

We live in his country, and I’m not eligible for any benefits, or I will never be able to become a citizen. I have enough from my last pay check to last me until January.

The job market is really rough, and I’m not getting any offers right now despite applying and networking hard. Before, I was fighting off job offers :(

I’ve saved up about £10,000 through freelance work over the past couple of years in an emergency fund. Unfortunately; the freelance work is also drying up.

My partner wants me to use that emergency fund money so we both still pay 50/50, like if I still had a job, and he wouldn’t have to increase his share of the bills/mortgage. I’m happy to put some of my savings into bills/mortgage, but feel he should shoulder more of the burden for now, until I get a new job. He can cover it all using his paycheck alone, and still have some money leftover.

The savings are my emergency fund / IVF fund if our state-funded IVF fails.

He’s from a culture where men and women tend to split everything 50/50.

Who is in the right here?

You are actually both being unreasonable.

When he got a 'massive' pay increase, you should then have discussed contributions and savings.

His basic premise that you should use your savings to contribute is not, in itself, unreasonable. But it's clear you don't equally see your relationship as a partnership, where you make joint plans and support each other.

And I agree with PP, your status in his country seems very insecure.

@SoddingWeddings IF you really think OP should pay then it should be according to her salary. Why is she paying 50/50 when she has no income? It's a bit harsh don't you think. This man is a massive red flag and if this is his attitude he will be the type that thinks childcare slog and the finicial side is solely OPs responsibility. Run 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️ for the hills QUICK.

Thank yourself lucky you don't have any kids to this man in a country where you are not from too!

I want a baby very badly.

And how would you feel about single parenthood or co-parenting? It might end up that way worst case scenario so best to be prepared!

does he really do 50/50 on the housework and cooking?

Quick note: I’ve been on the IVF waitlist for a year, and get 3 rounds paid for by the government: it’s incredibly generous. I won’t be able to get this anywhere else. I’m the infertile one, so if I give this up, there’s no guarantee I’d ever get to try again as I’m 33 soon. I want a baby very badly.

Even if it means you're stuck overseas with a selfish dick as the father of your child for the next 18+ years? You're so young. Honestly. Don't mess your life up.

No, worst case scenario is he gets custody of the child and OP's permission to stay expires.

He does all the cooking (he’s a great chef) and half the housework.

@Copenhagener you are alone in this relationship.

Out of curiosity, if state-funded IVF fails, is he too going to pay for IVF? The way you write gives the impression you'll be paying for it because you're "the infertile one" as you put it.

True, forgot OP is in DP's country. Depends on which nationality the child is given I suppose!

I don’t think you should pay 50/50, but yes you should still be contributing from savings- he shouldn’t be paying 100% while you sit on £10k of savings that you may want to use for IVF one day unless he wants you to do that. The reality is that there’s money there you can use and you need it now, not one day.

Your bigger problem though is his attitude to the whole thing and finances in general- I echo other posters in saying truly do not have a baby with this man.

Me too
Red flags all over this

Honestly OP you are blindly walking into a living nightmare. This man doesn’t give a shit about you.

If you’re desperate for a child then I would leave him before it’s born and come back to UK. Once the child is born, you are absolutely stuck there even if he leaves you for another woman/whatever. With no right to stay there what the hell would you do?

I think he has given a glimpse of your future. I am usually the first to say that when unmarried everyone contributes equally relative to their income. I have to agree with everyone else and say you are in too much of a vulnerable position to continue with IVF, as you are unmarried in a foreign country with a man who will not support you.

At least OP has time to ask these questions and to think about the response now before it's too late 👍

So the savings are in case of a rainy day, and you’ve lost your job so I say that qualifies. I’m not sure I’d feel happy sitting on savings while asking my partner to cover my contributions towards bills (and I’m sure a woman posting on here that her husband has been made redundant and wants her to pay all the bills while he keeps his savings would get told he was in the wrong)

however there’s the ivf in the mix. Perhaps a middle ground?

The problem is that a 50/50 approach suggests you're still independent creatures in a relatively casual relationship whereas the IVF is about commitment and union.

What will he do if you still don't have work and your savings run out? Boot you out? Send you home?

What would happen if your savings stall as a result of motherhood or just because they do, and he massively outearns you - would it still be 50/50?

I'd come home with your £10k.

OP, this relationship doesn'T sound sustainable. You're not eligible to become a citizen and have no recourse to public services. And aren't married to your partner?

What security do you have? How invested is he in having a baby? what if he decides you're too much bother and has a baby with someone else?

You really must pose all the REALLY difficult questions to yourself, and then him. And only then decide what your priority is (and very gently - i don't think it should be a baby)

Good Lord 🫣.

I’m guessing this is an issue because you know he can afford to carry this until you’re re-employed, is read of you draining your savings.

This is not the man to have a child with, unless you enjoy struggling.

A selfish man, in a foreign country, no citizenship or recourse to benefits? No thanks.

It seems like his attitude is culturally normal where you are? But it does beg the question of what happens if for some reason your income becomes very unequal again (eg mat leave, loss of job, disabled child). For me, being in it together is really important. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t share and vice versa, as long as no one is taking the piss. What happens if you get pregnant while unemployed and you’re not eligible for maternity pay? What happens if you become ill?

I have lived abroad for 10 years and been outside the state benefit program. The only way it has worked is joint finances and a loyal husband. Sometimes I have earned more and he has been job hunting, other times the opposite. We are in it together (kids and all) and practically speaking that means trust and joint finances. You need to reassess this partnership before you turn it into a family and make the practical side work even in times of financial uncertainty.

He’s not partner material. Get rid and find a decent bloke.

Got it in 1

If you're in a relationship serious enough that you're going through IVF, how does he not take your relationship seriously enough to be willing to pool your financial resources and offer each other support as and when needed? How will finances work once you're on mat leave? As pps have said, I would be reconsidering this relationship, his attitude is not that you're in this together.

Don’t have a child with him.

'A Scandinavian country' says Copenhagener coyly. What a mystery.

What do you want from this thread? You've ignored your partner's red flags and are ignoring all of the advice to protect yourself from much bigger issues down the road because you 'badly' want a baby.