To stop paying 50/50 after being fired

[Copenhagener]

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We’ve always split things 50/50 (bills, mortgage, food) and then kept the rest of our paychecks to spend as we like. We were both good earners in corporate jobs and took home approximately the same, until this year when he got a new job and a massive raise.

We don’t have children yet (going through IVF).

In October, I was fired from a new job for not being ‘the right cultural fit’. I’ve never been unemployed before.

We live in his country, and I’m not eligible for any benefits, or I will never be able to become a citizen. I have enough from my last pay check to last me until January.

The job market is really rough, and I’m not getting any offers right now despite applying and networking hard. Before, I was fighting off job offers :(

I’ve saved up about £10,000 through freelance work over the past couple of years in an emergency fund. Unfortunately; the freelance work is also drying up.

My partner wants me to use that emergency fund money so we both still pay 50/50, like if I still had a job, and he wouldn’t have to increase his share of the bills/mortgage. I’m happy to put some of my savings into bills/mortgage, but feel he should shoulder more of the burden for now, until I get a new job. He can cover it all using his paycheck alone, and still have some money leftover.

The savings are my emergency fund / IVF fund if our state-funded IVF fails.

He’s from a culture where men and women tend to split everything 50/50.

Who is in the right here?

Say you have this baby then you split up. What's the plan then because you won't be able to bring that baby back to the UK. So great, you had a baby, now someone else gets to raise it.

I'm not sure that's actually better than not having a baby at all.

Think carefully about the next steps. I suppose if you come back while pregnant that's a reasonable way round things.

This should be a massive wakeup call to future problems.

You do not have a partner

I knew it would be a Scandinavian guy.

I don't think you should have to use any of your emergency money to cover bills. It's not an emergency when your partner could cover them, you're supposed to be a team and I'd imagine you'd do the same if the tables were turned?

Me too though I was thinking Dutch. In all fairness though, they do 50/50 fairly consistently.

Does pooling financial resources include the savings?

Married to a scandi here OP

please don’t accept this 50/50 bullshit as cultural. seen lots of other foreign girls accept very clear not-into-you behaviour when dating danish men as ‘it’s an equal societyyyyyyyy and they are differenttttt’

he is telling you very loudly that you are not partners despite you calling him that

he should be supporting you, not draining savings when a baby may be coming into the world.

not a bloke I would be relying on tbh

I wouldn’t care how free it was.

You would be absolutely mad to have a baby with this non-partner. It is a truly awful idea and you should stop right now.

Use a sperm donor with no paternal rights if you want a baby that badly at least then you will have full autonomy be able to keep the child with you when your relationship inevitably breaks down and you have to leave the country.

after 10 years… this man, who wants you as the mother of his children, would let you struggle, go without and burn through quite modest savings…?

fucking terrible. I didn’t do this when my now DH was my boyfriend of 18months….
He should be embarrassed

He's a total joker. I wouldn't be able to even look at him in your shoes.

I'd move back to England and totally fuck him off.

He sounds like a bastardo

No no no no no. This is crazy.

So you have to pay 50/50 of the bills, eating int your savings. I assume you'll also be stuck at home as of course, with limited savings, you don't want to be spending on going out or doing things. Meanwhile, his life changes not one iota? I don't think it's unreasonable that as a couple you might decide that during this time you have to use some savings to support yourselves, and that you both, as a couple, tighten your belts a bit. But it seems to be very one sided and that is NOT a good sign.

I also think that legally you need to think very carefully about having IVF with a man in another country where you have no rights. It might be that you should get married and that would protect you. But I'd be very very concerned about doing this in a situation where my partner is already showing signs of being very controlling and totally unfair.

If you use your savings, ask him to put some aside for emergency IVF backup himself, so that pot isn’t gone. IVF savings aren’t just a “you” thing.

Plus talk with him about financial security. It’s because of him that you live somewhere where you can’t access any benefits. If you get pregnant and have health complications, would he still expect you to pay 50/50? As soon as your joint decisions start impacting disproportionately on you, that’s when you reexamine the model.

I pressed you are being unreasonable but meant you are not being unreasonable. Of course you are not. Tell him to f-off and have a kid on your own.

I thought he sounded very Scandinavian then saw your username. I don't know what area you work in but yes the job market is very quiet in December. I know you can't get kontanthjælp because you're a home owner, but I don't understand why you're not a member of an A-kasse. Have you got permanent or temporary residency? Why is citizenship out of the question?

Does he realise that you can't get anything from the state? If you were married he would be obliged to support you financially. Would he agree to a compromise of 25/75 split? If he's pig headedly Danish he will be independent and expect you to be the same.

PS my Danish husband supported me financially for 10 years without complaint or comment.

I lived in Norway for a year and have close friends who are Norwegian. I have friends who are Swedish. Yes, Scandanvian countries are way more advanced than the UK in terms of equality of men and women and yes couples are much more 50/50 about things there.

BUT - no Norwegian or Swedish friend of mine would leave his (or her) partner in the lurch like that, running through all her (or his) savings when the partner could easily afford to tide them over and support them. I suggest you ask him whether he'd be happy for you to say to his Scandi friends "sorry, I can't come out tonight because I've lost my job and my partner won't cover for me while I'm out of work because it's not the Scandi way" and see what he says!!! Or what they say if you actually say that.

I get why you don't want to give up on the IVF. But if you have a baby in his country where you've both agreed to live, it's unlikely a court in his country or the U.K. would let you live the child home to the U.K. if the marriage fails later unless he agrees.

I wouldn't expect you to dip into your emergency fund. I would expect you to take any work until you can find employment though. Is there really nothing? No shop, catering, factory, carer roles?

go home - you're worth a partner who will support you

I couldn't agree more. You are terribly vulnerable right now, OP.

If you’ve always done 50/50 and that’s been the setup for years
you own half house you do half the housework he does all the cooking
it depends how much of an effort you’re making to get a new job personally I’d take any job to cover my bills

you’ve always done 50/50 want him to bankroll you whilst you sit on 10k of savings

Red Flags for this situation- cons

Can never become citizen of DP's country (really, not ever ?)

can't claim state benefits, presumably you're paying taxes ?

Paying 50:50 when he's earning a lot more than you

fired for not being ‘the right cultural fit’ ( hint-word on this gets out in to the network, could explain why you're not still being inundated with offers)

Not married and starting IVF - see point 1. What happens if your break up once you have children - could you stay, would you have to leave and be able to take the children ? have you discussed who will cover the bills when you're on maternity leave ? Will you be able to claim state maternity benefits?

Pros
he's a good cook
free child care - if you can stay, but could you claim this is you split from DP
free IVF

Take the emotion out of the equation - this is not a good business proposition. At the very minimum you have a lot of thinking and talking to do before any IVF starts.

Christ on a bike Copenhagener - do you even have the right to remain if your relationship goes tits up ?

In a weird sort of way - being sacked may have done you a favour as now you know the safety net you will need to build around yourself if you are to continue in this relationship and go through with the IVF. Because at the moment you are climbing solo and free, without a safety line

I think there's nothing wrong with using the £10,000 savings you have. It's a lot and you'd probably get a job soon.

This.

Also, say you do get pregnant and have a baby. Then he decides to ditch you. You have no protection marriage might afford you. You will have to leave the country if you say you don't have rights to stay there. Quite possibly without your child because your partner decides he doesn't want you but does want his child. What then?

Perfectly put

I guess it's not like you can't pay your half because you don't have the money, but I would expect your partner to cover expenses once your money runs out.