To stop paying 50/50 after being fired

[Copenhagener]

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We’ve always split things 50/50 (bills, mortgage, food) and then kept the rest of our paychecks to spend as we like. We were both good earners in corporate jobs and took home approximately the same, until this year when he got a new job and a massive raise.

We don’t have children yet (going through IVF).

In October, I was fired from a new job for not being ‘the right cultural fit’. I’ve never been unemployed before.

We live in his country, and I’m not eligible for any benefits, or I will never be able to become a citizen. I have enough from my last pay check to last me until January.

The job market is really rough, and I’m not getting any offers right now despite applying and networking hard. Before, I was fighting off job offers :(

I’ve saved up about £10,000 through freelance work over the past couple of years in an emergency fund. Unfortunately; the freelance work is also drying up.

My partner wants me to use that emergency fund money so we both still pay 50/50, like if I still had a job, and he wouldn’t have to increase his share of the bills/mortgage. I’m happy to put some of my savings into bills/mortgage, but feel he should shoulder more of the burden for now, until I get a new job. He can cover it all using his paycheck alone, and still have some money leftover.

The savings are my emergency fund / IVF fund if our state-funded IVF fails.

He’s from a culture where men and women tend to split everything 50/50.

Who is in the right here?

That hit the nail on the head.

There’s zero cultural misunderstanding. Married to a southern swede and have spent considerable time in Denmark, know lots of danish couples.

50/50 only benefits him. He has out earned her for a while and hasn’t proposed a proportional split. That would truly be ‘fair’

i know no decent scandi bloke who wouldn’t support an out of work partner in this situation. This is NOT a cultural norm.

I definitely know a few bastards who would wax lyrical about feminist Denmark to continue building up their own personal savings at the detriment of the low earning partner though.

He should already be putting aside his share of the IVF and child-associated costs. The cost should not all be on OP in the first place.

He should be yes but given he expects her to still pay 50/50 whilst out of work I doubt he has planned any savings for IVF

Are your job prospects likely to improve next year?

Do you speak Danish to the standard given in the Citizenship list?

Live to see the replies if a woman posted my partner has 10k in savings and wants me to bankroll his bills because I’ve done well for my and earn well
he’d be called the biggest cock lodger going and the overwhelming advice would be kick him to the kerb and LTB

He has just shown you that he is not your partner, quite literally. Partners support each other through hard times, he has just shown that when the chips are down you are on your own.

You need to run a mile from this dreadful relationship. You say he is the kindest partner you have ever had, but you have been with him ten years and are 23, how many partners do you have to compare him too?!

I think this a tricky one.

If my DP got fired then why should I pick up the slack for him when he’s got thousands sat in the bank?
If he was made redundant or became ill etc then I’d not think twice about paying for him but I’d feel a bit taken advantage of if he’s got thousands in the bank and I’m paying all of the bills.

I’m pretty sure if I started a thread saying my DP has £10,000 in the bank but expects me to pay all of the bills, posters would be telling me that I’m being taken for a mug and he should use his savings.

Your life style is going to be considerably impacted and if I was you I would want to use some of my savings.

You need to use your savings for the first month or 2.
If you are applying for jobs but aren’t being successful then I’d talk to him about him paying for most or all of the bills until you can find something.

I don’t think it’s fair that he should pay them all when you’ve got thousands in the bank.
This is what savings are for, to use when we need them.

Well, obviously you don't have a child with him for a start.

What is the earnings split between you usually?

What are the plans for when you’re on maternity leave if you don’t get benefits? Will he still expect you to pay 50/50?!

I would also have thought this was fine when I was your age and childfree. I was really naive and that is why I ended up having a child with a totally unsuitable man. Within nine months our relationship had gone tits up and I have spent the last 15 years co-parenting with an ex who is not the father that my wonderful DC deserves. I wish I had known then what I know now: if you are going to have kids with somebody they need to be on your team, no questions asked. Even if you have the easiest baby in the world, life is going to be tough for a few years, especially if you go back to work. You need somebody who is in your corner and who is prepared to make the same sacrifices as you. Your DP has made it very clear he's not prepared to make any sacrifices, even for a fairly routine life event like a short spell of unemployment. Take heed!

Defo stall IVF. That’s absurd. You must feel a sense of heartbreak, I’m sure? I couldn’t proceed with having a child with someone I felt that way about.

Surely you’re a member of A-kasse though? If not I’m sorry, you’ve put yourself in this situation tbh.

Do you speak Danish to the standard given in the Citizenship list?

I’m curious of this too op.

Spot on @sillnotseal

I’m on my way. I’m working my way through the modules but I still have to wait another 4 years until I can apply for citizenship and need to complete those tests. I don’t need to complete any language requirements to achieve permanent residency next year.

Any particular reason you’re curious about this?

Sadly I agree that the balance of power here is really poor for you. Is there a reason you’re not married? Would this give you more rights there? His expectations on money sound unfair and unrealistic.

@Copenhagener I was just curious why you are not a citizen after 10 years, if it is the (difficult) language that stands in the way.
I definitely think you should stay though, I’ve lived in both countries and there is no way in hell I would move to England if Denmark was the alternative. Most Scandi men wouldn’t act like this, it is not a cultural norm. So talk to him again.

Any particular reason you are curious about this?

Err because you seem to be sleep walking into having a baby with a man who doesn’t give one shit about you and you could find yourself without the right to remain nd unable to leave with your child. As a guess that is.

The question I would be asking myself is... assuming you use up the £10k savings, and you still don't have a job (and state IVF hasn't worked).... what happens then?
Will he then pay 100% of the rent, living costs etc? Does it mean he won't pay out 100% of the cost of the IVF (ie - if you can't pay your half then no baby)?
That is the real question I think. Because at that point, he will have to shift from his 50-50 position? What is his plan then?

Ultimately if you are not married or a resident in the country you should not be planning on leaving yourself penniless

Of course you need to pay your share of fixed bills, but you can tighten your belt on discretionary spending. Why wouldn't you?

You should be fairly well paid for quite a while if you are a member of A-kasse though, I don’t know anyone who isn’t in it?

OP, I couldn’t work due to major illness. My DH covered everything. Wasn’t even a question just a joint bank account and that’s what we lived off for both. Then I Randy twice as much as him and same joint pot, have no idea who pays what as all incomes is just household income. But then neither of us is competitor in what we buy/has an allowance