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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect engagement

303 replies

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:19

So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years
Everything is really good,he is lovely and treats me well.
We had a plan to move in together this year but a few things went wrong and it didn't happen

Our new plan was to move in together ( to my apartment that I own) in Jan next year. Everything was good, making plans ect

Then we had a conversation A few days ago about getting married and the future.
I thought that moving in together ment that engagement was pretty much guaranteed. He said as much, whenever a friend got engaged he'd say, your turn soon.
But now he's saying he would wanna live together at least a year before he even decides if he wants to get married to me/ propose.
Am I wrong for thinking that you should be decided before you move in together?

The thing that worries me is that I own the apartment,I don't have a mortgage or anything. And he would be giving me just a little towards bills and stuff,he's doing a PhD so doesn't have much money, but I was okay with this because I thought it would be helpful to our future together

Am I wrong to now change my mind? Because of the engagement thing?

I'm 26 he's 30
He wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy

I haven't had many healthy relationships so please be kind but honest

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellll9478 · 01/12/2023 04:34

Spicastar · 01/12/2023 01:10

Honey he's trying to twist your arm. He doesn't actually treat you that well if he didn't mark your birthday but TOLD you, you don't deserve anything because you upset him. This is emotional abuse 101 and he's trying to angle towards financial abuse: living with you rent-free and threatening with break up every time you ask for fair deal with money.
I'd definitely park this and say: we can revisit moving in together after he finishes his PhD and is able to contribute properly. Then you'll know whether he's with you for you, or for a prospect of financial support/near-free lodging. You probably already know the answer.

Edited

I told him I loved him and I'd be happy to move together when we could both contribute.
He was pretty upset and said in his next relationship he wouldn't let a woman say something and not stick to it.

So we are over

OP posts:
Oilyoilyoilgob · 01/12/2023 04:40

Honestly, even if you feel bad/upset now, you’ll look back on this and be so thankful you posted and got rid!
Thank god you didn’t get engaged as you’d be less likely to split. To not get you anything for your birthday, not even a card, because ‘you upset him’ was disgraceful behaviour. Imagine other punishments he’d give out over the years.

You sound amazingly financially independent and he knew that. Bet he couldn’t wait to move out of his house share to be looked after by you, he’d already dropped hints about quitting work.

Dust yourself off and hold your head high for looking out for yourself now and your future self. You dodged a bullet!

Ilovecleaning · 01/12/2023 04:40

notanoda · 29/11/2023 23:02

I understand that many are suggesting that it's okay to move into your home so long as he pays his way and if the castle crumbles, OP can kick him out.
In reality, there are emotional costs of sharing a home with a user/ cocklodger. They could really damage how you feel about and in your home, so much so that after they leave you may no longer want to be in your home due to the painful memories.
I would suggest he stays where he is and live on his own merit. If he shows you a selfless and committing side, which I doubt he genuinely has, then go rent a flat together and start from scratch. Protect your mind, your space and the fruits of your labour.

I agree with this. The emotional aspect of living together is very strong. Something similar happened to me many years ago although I am glad to say that , in the end, when I’d got rid of him, I didn’t have the painful memories so much as great relief that he’d gone!
You should be feeling joy and happiness at the prospect of living tort her. Instead, you are anxious, threatened and you feel unloved. Move on, OP, and find someone who deserves you 🌺

MixedCouple · 01/12/2023 04:45

Wow that last statment from him was so bizzare. Sounds worrying. Move in or break up. So your could turn around and says get engaged or breakup. He would prob breakup and think your psycho. So right back at him. Move in or break up. Wow. I don't think this sounds like a healthy relationship either. Sorry.

fulawitt · 01/12/2023 04:49

Cohabiting before marriage is not a good idea. It's not because everybody does it that it's good. You can look up the data, it's not an opinion. He's got some balls but not the right kind. He is not chasing you but being coercive and you are just dating ? I would drop the cock who wants to be a free lodger.

Ilovecleaning · 01/12/2023 04:52

Ellll9478 · 01/12/2023 04:34

I told him I loved him and I'd be happy to move together when we could both contribute.
He was pretty upset and said in his next relationship he wouldn't let a woman say something and not stick to it.

So we are over

Show quote history

Well done, that you’ve finished with him. You absolutely will not regret it. As soon as you go out - even for just a drink - with a normal, nice guy, you’ll see what a prick your ex was. Good luck 🌺

Mothership4two · 01/12/2023 07:26

He was pretty upset and said in his next relationship he wouldn't let a woman say something and not stick to it.

Well that statement says it all really. a) he wouldn't LET a woman, and b) HE said something and didn't stick to it first - that's one of the main reasons that you are where you are.

Good luck OP and stick to your guns Flowers

billy1966 · 01/12/2023 09:19

His absolute intention was to use you for accommodation, have no doubt.
He is very pissed off with you and himself.

He certainly does not care or love you.

The lack of birthday gift to punish you is really fxxked up.

He is NOT who you think he is.

He sees you as a huge money saving exercise.

I am so glad that your gut warned you AND you listened.

Clever woman👏👏👏

Once he moved in, paying zero, he would have been very difficult to shift.

You are so blessed that you realised this.

His love bombing you has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.

He is love bombing free accommodation that's all.

You could be ANYONE.

Absolutely ANYONE.

Keep reminding yourself of that.

Please do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to strengthen your boundaries.

Free accommodation is not something to offer anyone.

If you were my daughter I would be telling you to keep your private financial business 100% quiet.

Lie, and say you have a big morgage.

Otherwise you risk attracting the wrong type.

Keep posting for support.
We are here for you.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

FourteenTog · 01/12/2023 09:31

Please stay strong. He chipped away at your self-esteem, lowering your expectations and future faking. Why wouldn't he want to contribute to society and have a life by working? Was he going to do voluntary work? Or would you have been subsidising his specialness? Of course you are not untrustworthy for setting boundaries around who lives in YOUR home!!! He will probably fake remorse, pretend to change, and alternate love-bombing you with further damage to your self-esteem, to get back on his housing ticket. He can apply for a grant or win a prize to see him through his PhD, or walk dogs or stack shelves or something. He's been stringing you along and you deserve better. Don't take him back, even if his landlord chucks him out, his goldfish dies, and his PhD programme folds.

Flowerpower2022 · 01/12/2023 10:18

Sending love and strength OP. Absolutely the right decision. Don’t let him manipulate you. You are totally within your rights and you deserve better than a man prepared to manipulate and emotionally abuse you into letting him live off you. Much better men are out there.

UncleHerbie · 01/12/2023 10:23

LaurieStrode · 28/11/2023 02:41

Cocklodger 🚨!

Tell him you've changed your mind and will revisit the idea of cohabitation when he's received his doctorate and your incomes are on an equal footing.

His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

I vote for @LaurieStrode on this one.

JadziaD · 01/12/2023 10:30

Ellll9478 · 01/12/2023 04:34

I told him I loved him and I'd be happy to move together when we could both contribute.
He was pretty upset and said in his next relationship he wouldn't let a woman say something and not stick to it.

So we are over

Show quote history

Did you laugh when he said that and ask him if he was going to take the same approach?

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this but there were bad signs here. Did you even address the birthday card thing wit him? Punishing you by withholding any attention on your birthday is so not okay (well, unless you'd had a raging row because you'd slept with someone the night before. But I'm assuming that's NOT the case!).

GladAllOver · 01/12/2023 10:57

You've done the right thing. It's quite clear that he wanted to be in control of the relationship, using it and you for his own benefit.

billy1966 · 01/12/2023 11:26

UncleHerbie · 01/12/2023 10:23

I vote for @LaurieStrode on this one.

Show quote history

Me too.

An excellent response should he get back to you.

When he has his Phd and an excellent salary, to give you a call.

Many working people do Masters and PHds whilst working high flying jobs, my husband did years ago.

I would be so wary of those wishing to avoid real life and the dirty business of making a living, paying their way, by remaining in education.

The everlasting student is a real caricature.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 01/12/2023 13:02

Ellll9478 · 29/11/2023 00:45

I have had this feeling but he's always been really sweet otherwise

Show quote history

when I mentioned it he said I didn't deserve anything, not even a card because I'd upset him this is not the actions of a sweet man nor of a kind and caring one..

notanoda · 01/12/2023 14:51

Well done for getting preventing a future crisis, OP. You should be proud of yourself.
I was in your shoes a decade ago, I wish I had people with wisdom and experience to guide me to making better decisions.
Someone said going forward, do not tell men you are mortgage-free. Please take this advice.
I started doing the same after my cock-lodging user doctoral candidate of an ex. I usually tell men I'm dating that I'm renting (if I'm happy for them to stay over for the night) or that I'm living with family (if they don't have suitable accommodation of their own and can't host me - why should I host them). I simply meet them where they are. It's helped me shield a lot of users.

notanoda · 01/12/2023 14:52

notanoda · 01/12/2023 14:51

Well done for getting preventing a future crisis, OP. You should be proud of yourself.
I was in your shoes a decade ago, I wish I had people with wisdom and experience to guide me to making better decisions.
Someone said going forward, do not tell men you are mortgage-free. Please take this advice.
I started doing the same after my cock-lodging user doctoral candidate of an ex. I usually tell men I'm dating that I'm renting (if I'm happy for them to stay over for the night) or that I'm living with family (if they don't have suitable accommodation of their own and can't host me - why should I host them). I simply meet them where they are. It's helped me shield a lot of users.

  • shield from
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 01/12/2023 15:01

He's already talking about a future woman, just goes to show he wasn't as invested in this relationship.
Breakups are hard, even when you're the one to end things. But be glad it's before you'd moved in with him/got married/had kids.

In future OP, don't disclose your home ownership as some men are leeches and good at playing the long game.

I realise you'd been together a while but he was hanging on until he finished his PhD.

You're worth more than someone who doesn't care about making you feel special on your birthday.

There are decent men out there who will treat you as you deserve. ❤

billy1966 · 01/12/2023 16:31

He's mentioning future women out of fury that OP has turned out to be quite the mug he thought her to be.

He was too cocky, too confident.

He will be so pissed off that he overplayed and showed his hand.

He will be thinking fxxk, why did I let on that I haven't a notion of marrying her, that her home is the huge attraction whilst I fart around doing a phd, not working, not contributing a penny to her morgage free home, whilst you no doubt runs around looking after me, proving you are worthy of an engagement.🙄

Men either want to be with you or they don't.

Screw this "trial" while they try you out in YOUR home, rent free.

You are not a car.

Stop telling any man your business if you don't want to be used and abused.

Make them work for you, persue you.

If you don't value what you have to offer to a relationship, how do you expect any man too?

There are too many users out there to offer yourself up on a plate.

Value yourself.
Know your self worth.
Find the above.
Google and read carefully the Shark Cage analogy.

Don't go near another man until you have the above sorted.

Well done for posting and listening to your gut.

You can do this.

N0TMYIDEA · 01/12/2023 17:51

notanoda · 01/12/2023 14:51

Well done for getting preventing a future crisis, OP. You should be proud of yourself.
I was in your shoes a decade ago, I wish I had people with wisdom and experience to guide me to making better decisions.
Someone said going forward, do not tell men you are mortgage-free. Please take this advice.
I started doing the same after my cock-lodging user doctoral candidate of an ex. I usually tell men I'm dating that I'm renting (if I'm happy for them to stay over for the night) or that I'm living with family (if they don't have suitable accommodation of their own and can't host me - why should I host them). I simply meet them where they are. It's helped me shield a lot of users.

This is very good advice.

My ( well off ) friend has bought Flats for her two student aged kids.

The kids are under strict instructions to tell their friends that’s it’s their mums flat, so they are not targeted by users. The flats are obviously NOT rented as they are too nice inside and no one would believe that the kids are buying them with a mortgage as they don’t earn enough.

GabriellaMontez · 01/12/2023 18:36

I'm sorry it's ended like this. But you've had a lucky escape. He sounds an absolute user and twat.

readsalotgirl63 · 01/12/2023 18:53

Good on you for ending it - you deserve sooo much better. I'd echo what @Mudflaps said and the advice from @notanoda and@billy1966 among others.
Good riddance to the abusive prick.

Stay strong and have faith in yourself.A life partner should cheer for you when you do well and pick you up and dust you down when you fall - above all he should treat you with kindness. Sending hugs

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 01/12/2023 19:34

I’m probably older than everyone on here and highly relieved to here your update OP.
I would be very thankful he’s shown his true colours before you moved in together, it’s saved you even more grief.
He’s a chancer and a loser, you can do so much better 💐

QueenBitch666 · 02/12/2023 03:42

Cocklodger 🚩

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/12/2023 03:47

I am so sorry you’re hurt but you can see him for what he is. A manipulator and user. Better to know now than 10 years down the line or when you’d invested more time in him and he ultimately showed his true colours… which he is likely to have done as he doesn’t see you as a real person, rather a means to an end.

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