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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect engagement

303 replies

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:19

So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years
Everything is really good,he is lovely and treats me well.
We had a plan to move in together this year but a few things went wrong and it didn't happen

Our new plan was to move in together ( to my apartment that I own) in Jan next year. Everything was good, making plans ect

Then we had a conversation A few days ago about getting married and the future.
I thought that moving in together ment that engagement was pretty much guaranteed. He said as much, whenever a friend got engaged he'd say, your turn soon.
But now he's saying he would wanna live together at least a year before he even decides if he wants to get married to me/ propose.
Am I wrong for thinking that you should be decided before you move in together?

The thing that worries me is that I own the apartment,I don't have a mortgage or anything. And he would be giving me just a little towards bills and stuff,he's doing a PhD so doesn't have much money, but I was okay with this because I thought it would be helpful to our future together

Am I wrong to now change my mind? Because of the engagement thing?

I'm 26 he's 30
He wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy

I haven't had many healthy relationships so please be kind but honest

OP posts:
LePanthere · 29/11/2023 07:21

I don’t think you should trade your financial independence for a ring on your finger….

sounds like he needs to get his life in order and you need to re-evaluate a wedding as some kind of trophy for hardship.

Flowerpower2022 · 29/11/2023 07:50

Hi OP, I really feel for you. Is this behaviour from your boyfriend around lack of card/ ultimatums re moving in, a recent thing? If it is, and he was previously lovely, could he be under pressure around studies/money? If you still want a future with him, I think a conversation about that is your starting point. Understanding what’s behind his behaviour is key. He also needs to understand that his behaviour in projecting all his worries on to you, in the form of no birthday card, ultimatums around moving in, is 100 per cent unacceptable. I would take moving in together and marriage off the table completely for now, while you figure out if this relationship is worth saving. If this is recent behaviour on his part and he can see the error of his ways, then maybe it is. I think he needs to sort his challenges around money/studies on his own. By all means, if you still want a relationship with him be there to talk through options. I’d advise against actively helping him though by offering to let him move in - his pressure and manipulation tactics rule that out.

I’d also seriously suggest asking yourself what you want and whether this is good enough behaviour? As pp have said, you deserve better.

Flowerpower2022 · 29/11/2023 08:13

OP I would also look at getting some ongoing therapy support for yourself, as whatever happens, you may need it. This guy, for whatever reason, is showing some manipulative, controlling and potentially abusive traits. Therapy can help shine a light on that and keep you focussed on your needs and desires.

WhiteArsenic · 29/11/2023 08:36

I haven’t read the whole thread, but just wanted to comment on the birthday card issue. I’ve been married over 30 years to a DH who is generous and not abusive. He is also absolutely terrible at cards and presents, to a level that many on here would find unacceptable. Over the years, he has sometimes spontaneously bought me cards or gifts for birthdays etc, but often not, through inertia or lack of organisation. The key thing is that if I said, “you haven’t got me anything”, he would say “yeah, sorry”, and if I then said, “that’s not ok, please can I have this for my birthday”, he’d get it for me. In no universe would he say that I didn’t deserve something because of my behaviour, and if he did have that attitude, I wouldn’t still be here. He fully accepts that his present crap track record is a problem with him, not me.

so I think it’s important to be clear here that the absolutely wrong thing is saying his lack of effort is your fault. Good partners don’t do that, even the ones who are terrible at gift giving.

Duckswaddle · 29/11/2023 09:24

He’ll break up with you if he doesn’t get to move into the apartment that you own and won’t have to contribute much towards because it would make you untrustworthy?? 😂😂

Generally yes, you should live with someone before deciding to marry them. But this guy sounds like a knob. Not sure I’d be wanting to give up my space for him really.

Duckswaddle · 29/11/2023 09:28

Having read through some more of the posts, he’s definitely not worth it. He is 100% dangling the engagement carrot to get what he wants now. Don’t let him move in.

meganorks · 29/11/2023 09:34

I've read all your updates. Please let us know what he says when you speak to him. I'm willing to bet he will back-track massively if you say you don't want him to move in.

AnnieSnap · 29/11/2023 10:13

@Ellll9478 you seem to be taking on board what others are saying here. You are agreeing with everyone, but you haven’t had a conversation with him about this yet. What are you going to do?

Donetrying1 · 29/11/2023 10:16

Please don’t have this man move in with you or even think about marrying him.
He sounds unpleasant-not giving you even a card on your birthday and his explanation is horrible.
He’s expecting you to support him and you are going to be financially much worse off but he doesn’t seem to care about that!
Calling you untrustworthy is a clever psychological move.
l hate to patronise you but you’re young and sound vulnerable-please take my advice, the red flags are screaming out. This is not about getting engaged or not, it goes much deeper. Protect yourself, you deserve better.

vickylou78 · 29/11/2023 11:03

Totally normal to move in together before you get engaged and in fact I would recommend that!
However, you should both be paying half of all living expenses and be on equal footings. He needs to support himself and not rely on your income.
Red flag on the whole untrustworthy comment though.

hellsBells246 · 29/11/2023 12:37

DPotter · 28/11/2023 02:48

Whilst I get what some are saying about living together before agreeing to get engaged, you've known each other for nearly 3 years, so he must have some idea if you are the One. He's being dangling the 'engagement flag' in front of your nose, and is threatening to break up with you if you won't let him move in. This man is not a keeper, he's a taker and you're right he will expect you to financially support him (Bet he's planning to drop the part-time job 'to concentrate on his studies').

If you do want him to move in (and it's not something I would recommend) - he pays half of everything - utilities, insurance, council tax, food, rainy day fund, and you agree up front who does what chores and when.

This.

hellsBells246 · 29/11/2023 12:44

What it all boils down to is:

does he make you feel safe?
Does he make you happy?
Do his actions show that he has your best interests at heart?
Does he make you feel loved?
Can you talk openly and honestly together, and can you resolve arguments in a healthy way?

It doesn't sound as if he's fulfilling many of these.

Mudflaps · 29/11/2023 14:31

Oh pet I wish I could sit and chat with you in real life, have you got anyone you can do this with? I'm more than old enough to be your mother and I think you need to heed the warnings given by the previous posters who have life experiences to draw on. You are still very young, don't write yourself off as being bad at relationships, you simply haven't meet someone good enough yet. This guy is not going to marry you, he is hoping to move in, live off you in comfort, give up work and get his studying finished and then he'll cause a row, storm out and blame you!! We didn't have the term 'cocklodger' when I was your age, we'd have just called him a selfish prick which he absolutely is. Tell him you've decided you've not got a future together and let him go. You've got a long life in front of you to meet a nice guy who'll treat you better. I met my husband when I was 30, we dated for seven years before getting married but never lived together prior to that, it's worked good for us so it's not essential to live together, every couple is unique. Best of luck, I'll be thinking of you and hoping you are strong enough to tell him to take a long hike.

OkayScooby · 29/11/2023 14:53

Have you protected your property? So nobody can, in future, take this away from you?

THEDEACON · 29/11/2023 17:56

Red flags abound he's a user and yet days you're untrustworthy He'd not the one for you Op dump him don't bankroll him The very definition of cocklodger is what he is !!

Lucytheloose · 29/11/2023 18:13

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:56

You are exactly right about concentrating on his studies,he even said he would like to not work at all if I'd be willing to support him

Show quote history

Oh yes I bet he would.

Sennelier1 · 29/11/2023 18:25

So if he can't live with you - for free - he will break up with you? He's doing a PhD, what do you think will happen once he earns more? Right, he will leave you because he will not need you anymore. You deserve better honey ❤️‍🩹

Madamum18 · 29/11/2023 18:53

But I thought he would probably get me a card. But nothing at all, when I mentioned it he said I didn't deserve anything, not even a card because I'd upset him

That comment above is just a massive red flag!! Its controlling, nasty, patronising, narcissistic, gas lighting and if you stay in a relationship with him it WILL escalate into a great deal more. I hope you can break free and resist the love bombing rubbish that will undoubtedly follow. Take care of yourself and move on

Ilovecleaning · 29/11/2023 18:55

This isn’t about an engagement’. It’s about his lack of commitment and being a potential freeloader. Also, it’s a classic case of projection: suggesting YOU are not trustworthy! Clearly, he is the untrustworthy one. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw a grand piano. He is going to cost you from Day 1.
it will be painful but PLEASE don’t let him move in. 🌺

Mrsgreen100 · 29/11/2023 19:13

If you own your place outright tbh I would be more concerned about you marrying him
he is bringing nothing to the relationship
but could leave with half your place in his pocket

heartofglass23 · 29/11/2023 19:16

If he wants to break up he does t love you so why on earth would you ever marry him! Dump and move on.

CatMummyOf3 · 29/11/2023 19:20

From your comments, I'm getting the impression he's dangling the future proposal 'carrot' in order to get cheap/free accommodation.

I would call his bluff. Suggest all household bills and chores are split equally - his reaction will tell you how committed he is to your relationship.

Bostonbakedbeans · 29/11/2023 19:21

🚩🚩🚩he's a cheapskate and a potential freeloading cocklodger if he wants to move into your flat and not pay his half of the bills 🚩🚩🚩
You can do better than him!

Barney60 · 29/11/2023 19:37

I havnt read all the reply's, so apologies if been said before, please be very careful, you own the property, if he lives with you and can prove hes paid towards it, in the future if you break up he can make a claim against it.
To me it would be a no, rent it out and rent somewhere else together jointly.

Ghostgirl77 · 29/11/2023 19:50

He showed you who he really was when he withheld affection on your birthday because you had “upset him”. Anyone who treats you like this is not worth it.

I agree with PPs: he is dangling the engagement like a carrot and using the threat of breaking up as a stick. He wants to move in to your nice home and be supported by you. He is not going to marry you.