To expect engagement

[Ellll9478]

So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years
Everything is really good,he is lovely and treats me well.
We had a plan to move in together this year but a few things went wrong and it didn't happen

Our new plan was to move in together ( to my apartment that I own) in Jan next year. Everything was good, making plans ect

Then we had a conversation A few days ago about getting married and the future.
I thought that moving in together ment that engagement was pretty much guaranteed. He said as much, whenever a friend got engaged he'd say, your turn soon.
But now he's saying he would wanna live together at least a year before he even decides if he wants to get married to me/ propose.
Am I wrong for thinking that you should be decided before you move in together?

The thing that worries me is that I own the apartment,I don't have a mortgage or anything. And he would be giving me just a little towards bills and stuff,he's doing a PhD so doesn't have much money, but I was okay with this because I thought it would be helpful to our future together

Am I wrong to now change my mind? Because of the engagement thing?

I'm 26 he's 30
He wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy

I haven't had many healthy relationships so please be kind but honest

Why didn’t he move in sooner when planned to - what ‘went wrong’?

It was shitty to say ‘you next’ about marriage, when others get engaged, if he had no intent to marry you in the relatively near future. Lots of more serious red flags.

Would pause further on him moving in. Wouldn’t be subsidising him financially, at all.

engagement also not progress without a wedding date!

Before cohabiting with anyone would seek legal advice and a formal agreement. You have yourself and your own concerns and financial assets to protect!

Think I wpuld call it a day.

There are flashes of total callousness from him.

The birthday card comment, the threat to end things with you if you wont let him move in and contribute sweet fuck all.

...it's not how a normal person behaves. I'd suspect there's an underlying dark triad personality that he's been trying to hide. Until he can hoodwink you into letting him move in.

If he doesn't even want to pay his way then he doesn't get to move in. He's not a nice person.
And he's making it abundantly clear.

Run fir the hills.
Be aware, he may backtrack and promise engagement or xyz that he thinks you want to hear. It's bullshit.

He wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy

He even said he would like to not work at all if I'd be willing to support him

Just one word ...

DUMP

I wouldn't cohabit until finances were on a more equal footing. Then I'd cohabit for a while before deciding to get married.

After 3 years together wouldn’t he know if marriage was on the cards anyway?

I totally agree, you should live together before getting engaged. It's true that you don't really know someone until you live with them. So that's reasonable. His ultimatum, however, is not. Massive red flag 🚩 I'd hold off moving him in until after he finishes his studies. If you're meant to spend the rest of your life together, what's one more year? If he breaks up with you because of it, then he's doing you a favor in the long run.

I am a firm believer that if you love someone you would want to get married to them, and after 3 years he should know, regardless of if you have lived together or not

so why are you subsiding him? I wouldn’t be if he didn’t know now and wanted to wait a year, a year YOU will be paying for everything

nope wouldn’t be happening, he can stay where he is and I would be looking elsewhere

I think he should pay you whatever he currently pays in rent/bills if he moves in with you. I don’t see why he should pay less money to live in a better place.

This is incorrect legal advice for England

@JustCuriousASHP
this is completely incorrect legal advice for England
there are some instances where he could make a claim on the property even after “just”‘one year
@Ellll9478 look into a cohabitation agreement including a declaration of trust before he moves in and take proper legal advice

Honestly I would want to live together first before getting married. My husband and I were together for 4yrs before moving in together at 21 and then 2yrs after we got married. Living with someone is so different to just staying over every so often and it can be a nightmare so it is a very good idea. I however don't like the ultimatum of if I don't move in then I'm breaking up with you. I can see it in a very basic way which is you saying propose or you don't move in which it can equate to and then him saying I don't move in I'm leaving. It seems quite immature when brought down to basics. You need to have a good look at what you want and a good look at what he wants to make sure you're both wanting the same thing. I've been with my hubby 22yrs and married for 15. Waiting can work out for the best but only you can decide what you want x

If you own a property and he doesn't, I would not be considering marriage and risking my financial future.

Thanks

I have had this feeling but he's always been really sweet otherwise

Good point

I think he is using you for free accommodation and all the other "perks".
It doesn't sound like he wants to marry you.

Yes this is what I expected. Not to be engaged when we moved in together, but that it was expected in the future

He was telling me for a while that he wanted to marry me, that it was just a matter of time. Him getting a good job, having more money etc
Now he says he is unsure and wants to live together before a decision

Dump him. End it. Your instincts are correct, he’s manipulating you and wants to take what he can get in exchange for very little.

Agree with a PP that when you withdraw he may pursue you heavily with lashings of promises and love bombing which you must ignore, because it’ll just be self-interested bullshit in action and nothing more.

Stay strong @Ellll9478

I think that this is a good thing.

You own an expensive home outright, you can afford all the bills etc alone. All he can afford without you is a shared house. OK so when he has finished his studies he will start to earn more but it will take a long time before he could begin to approach what you have on his own.
However........ marry him and he would be able to go to court for half of the property YOU paid for. So you could lose your home to a man who paid not one penny for it.
He clearly doesnt know this or I rather suspect you would be getting an engagement ring for Xmas. Count your blessings that you found out what a flaky user he is and that you didnt actually end up with a cocklodger for the New Year instead.

It is possible that, after living together for a while, you decide the relationship is not what you want.

I agree with others that it is a very good idea to live together for a while before making a firm, public commitment.

You are young, op, and having a ring on your finger is not the be-all and end-all. Be independent. If you want to live with your man, do so, try it out and see how you like it.

I can see from what everyone has said that wanting to live together before getting engaged is completely normal.
But the money thing could be an issue, I also didn't see the birthday card thing as a really big issue but with the replies here, I should think again about that again

Your responses are incredibly calm after all of the red flag, ltb, cocklodger comments op. A fair few mumsnetters have been around the block. Please think on what we are saying.

Edit: and think about marriage in relation to protecting your asset from this man.

I would always advise that people live together for atleast a year before getting engaged.

However you cannot buy a future together by letting him live at yours rent free, and he should not be threatening to leave you if you don't.

If you really want a future together you should move in together when you can both afford to, and then think about engagement and marriage.

I also didn't see the birthday card thing as a really big issue but with the replies here, I should think again about that again

OP it is not just his not making any effort which is unusual and hurtful, but him telling you you didn't deserve anything - mean and abnormal in any relationship. He is showing a lack of respect for you.

His changing the goalposts going from wanting to marry you to unsure works both ways. He is now telling you that he may potentially end up not being in your life (which could have happened anyway TBF) and so you need to treat him and your financial arrangements together accordingly if you do decide to go ahead. There are so many red flags, as have been mentioned by other posters, not least using emotional blackmail to move in, that I would be extremely reluctant in your shoes.

Just to add, my BF and I have been together a long time, live together but aren’t engaged. We own a home together (with a mortgage), put the same amount towards the deposit, have a joint account for mortgage, bills, shopping etc. Engagement is on the cards for us now that we’ve lived together for more than a year.

For me, the red flag isn’t the lack of an engagement, it’s absolutely everything else about your boyfriend.

Your birthday card post is the only one I’ve seen on here that’s made me 1) reply before reading all other posts in the thread and 2) swear in my reply!

Best of luck OP, it is your decision but I’d be so worried for you if you were an IRL friend of mine with this man x