To expect engagement

Ellll9478 · 2023-11-28T02:19:35+00:00

So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years Everything is really good,he is lovely and treats me well. We had a plan to move in together this year but a few things went wrong and it didn't happen Our new plan was to move in together ( to my apartment that I own) in Jan next year. Everything was good, making plans ect Then we had a conversation A few days ago about getting married and the future. I thought that moving in together ment that engagement was pretty much guaranteed. He said as much, whenever a friend got engaged he'd say, your turn soon. But now he's saying he would wanna live together at least a year before he even decides if he wants to get married to me/ propose. Am I wrong for thinking that you should be decided before you move in together? The thing that worries me is that I own the apartment,I don't have a mortgage or anything. And he would be giving me just a little towards bills and stuff,he's doing a PhD so doesn't have much money, but I was okay with this because I thought it would be helpful to our future together Am I wrong to now change my mind? Because of the engagement thing? I'm 26 he's 30 He wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy I haven't had many healthy relationships so please be kind but honest

pinkfondu · 28/11/2023 02:21

Move in or break up doesn't sound very good. How is he paying for his living expenses now?

Josette77 · 28/11/2023 02:22

I would generally recommend people live together before getting engaged.

I don't think he's unreasonable.

saffronsoup · 28/11/2023 02:24

A lot of men and women do want to live together before deciding about marriage as there are a lot of things you can learn about someone when you live with them that you can’t know from dating.

Your assumptions that living together meant an engagement is your personal view. Others might want marriage before living together or be happy to live together while dating.

Neither of you are right or wrong, you are just on different pages. If you can’t work through this and find a common ground that feels right to both of you then it might mean this isn’t the right relationship for marriage.

JustCuriousASHP · 28/11/2023 02:25

Where in the world are you, and what are your local laws about cohabitees and home ownership? In the UK one year of living together wouldn't give him any rights to the property, so no worries there, but the "breaking up if you don't let him makes you untrustworthy" thing is a massive red flag to me.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 28/11/2023 02:28

Everyone is different. I couldn’t imagine making plans to marry someone when I don’t know what it’s like to live with them. What if you don’t get along when living together? My husband and I lived together for four years before we got engaged, granted I was only 18 when the relationship started so I wasn’t in a huge rush to get married. Personally I think it’s better to be sure you’re with the right person before you agree to marry them, and I don’t see how you can be sure if you’ve never lived with them.

Ffsnotaconference · 28/11/2023 02:29

So you have basically said he can’t move in if he doesn’t propose?

He has said there’s no point in the relationship if aren’t going to move in together.

To a point, I agree with him. Best to live together first before getting engaged.

But, the fact that you are both going straight to ultimatums that force eachothers hand doesn’t bode well.

Original poster

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:33

Thanks I guess you are right, it just that I would be mostly supporting him money wise, I'm probably wrong for thinking that I should expect engagement for that

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Original poster

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:37

pinkfondu · 28/11/2023 02:21

Move in or break up doesn't sound very good. How is he paying for his living expenses now?

He rents a room, and works part time. But he always complains about how bad it is.

The apartment I live in would be worth double what he pays just in rent, let alone bills and stuff
Like it said I was okay with that because I thought he's working towards the future. But if he isn't sure about me I don't know

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LaurieStrode · 28/11/2023 02:41

Cocklodger 🚨!

Tell him you've changed your mind and will revisit the idea of cohabitation when he's received his doctorate and your incomes are on an equal footing.

His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

caringcarer · 28/11/2023 02:44

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:33

Thanks I guess you are right, it just that I would be mostly supporting him money wise, I'm probably wrong for thinking that I should expect engagement for that

It sounds as if he just wants to move in with you to save his money. Just as he needs more time to decide whether to ask you to marry him or not, I think you need more time before deciding if he can move in or not. Why not wait until he can support himself before moving in together otherwise you'll just feel used especially knowing he doesn't want marriage any time soon and possibly not at all. Be careful not to get pregnant.

Ffsnotaconference · 28/11/2023 02:46

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:37

He rents a room, and works part time. But he always complains about how bad it is.

The apartment I live in would be worth double what he pays just in rent, let alone bills and stuff
Like it said I was okay with that because I thought he's working towards the future. But if he isn't sure about me I don't know

Show quote history

Why isn’t he paying half of bills and his own living costs?

Original poster

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:48

LaurieStrode · 28/11/2023 02:41

Cocklodger 🚨!

Tell him you've changed your mind and will revisit the idea of cohabitation when he's received his doctorate and your incomes are on an equal footing.

His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

That's what I'm worried about, being used. But I already know the ultimatum

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DPotter · 28/11/2023 02:48

Whilst I get what some are saying about living together before agreeing to get engaged, you've known each other for nearly 3 years, so he must have some idea if you are the One. He's being dangling the 'engagement flag' in front of your nose, and is threatening to break up with you if you won't let him move in. This man is not a keeper, he's a taker and you're right he will expect you to financially support him (Bet he's planning to drop the part-time job 'to concentrate on his studies').

If you do want him to move in (and it's not something I would recommend) - he pays half of everything - utilities, insurance, council tax, food, rainy day fund, and you agree up front who does what chores and when.

NumberTheory · 28/11/2023 02:49

I understand, if you’ve been expecting something different that it might be a bit of a shock and disappointing to have him say he wants to wait but I do think it’s sensible to want to live together before getting engaged tbh. Sensible for you too - to see what he’s like when you’re around each other 24/7 and whether you want to tie yourself more tightly to him, especially if you have substantial assets like a home. But it’s also sensible to charge him a reasonable rent if he’s going to be living in your home with no joint financial agreement on the horizon. I agree with you that you should not be supporting him money wise. Why does he need that? How is he currently paying his way?

He’s presumably paying something for his current home? Why not make your rent half of that (plus/minus whatever additional things need to be accounted for - more council tax, loss f benefits, difference in utilities, etc) calculated so you’re both getting an equal financial benefit from living together.

Of course, if it’s important to you to be engaged before you move in because those are your values, that’s a legitimate boundary to have, whatever I or anyone else might think about it being sensible to live together first. But it’s not necessarily compatible with his boundaries and you might need to start looking for someone more compatible.

Original poster

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:50

Ffsnotaconference · 28/11/2023 02:46

Why isn’t he paying half of bills and his own living costs?

Show quote history

If he moved with me he wouldn't be able to afford to pay what my apartment is worth on rent or even bills.
I guess it's not his fault I have an expensive apartment. But at the same time I worry that he'll move in and decide after he finishes uni that I'm not worth marrying

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Original poster

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:54

NumberTheory · 28/11/2023 02:49

I understand, if you’ve been expecting something different that it might be a bit of a shock and disappointing to have him say he wants to wait but I do think it’s sensible to want to live together before getting engaged tbh. Sensible for you too - to see what he’s like when you’re around each other 24/7 and whether you want to tie yourself more tightly to him, especially if you have substantial assets like a home. But it’s also sensible to charge him a reasonable rent if he’s going to be living in your home with no joint financial agreement on the horizon. I agree with you that you should not be supporting him money wise. Why does he need that? How is he currently paying his way?

He’s presumably paying something for his current home? Why not make your rent half of that (plus/minus whatever additional things need to be accounted for - more council tax, loss f benefits, difference in utilities, etc) calculated so you’re both getting an equal financial benefit from living together.

Of course, if it’s important to you to be engaged before you move in because those are your values, that’s a legitimate boundary to have, whatever I or anyone else might think about it being sensible to live together first. But it’s not necessarily compatible with his boundaries and you might need to start looking for someone more compatible.

Yeah I'll will discuss with him about him paying half. I think I was stupid to agree for him to pay way less before. He said he was sure that he would want to marry me,it was just a matter of time.
I will be asking for a fair payment

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Original poster

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:56

DPotter · 28/11/2023 02:48

Whilst I get what some are saying about living together before agreeing to get engaged, you've known each other for nearly 3 years, so he must have some idea if you are the One. He's being dangling the 'engagement flag' in front of your nose, and is threatening to break up with you if you won't let him move in. This man is not a keeper, he's a taker and you're right he will expect you to financially support him (Bet he's planning to drop the part-time job 'to concentrate on his studies').

If you do want him to move in (and it's not something I would recommend) - he pays half of everything - utilities, insurance, council tax, food, rainy day fund, and you agree up front who does what chores and when.

You are exactly right about concentrating on his studies,he even said he would like to not work at all if I'd be willing to support him

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WandaWonder · 28/11/2023 03:02

Living together before marriage as a couple and sharing everything is normal and actually good

One partners paying for everything (male or female) is not good

Don't see why an engagement means anything as such you are either married or not eventually

flowerchild2000 · 28/11/2023 03:04

Calling you untrustworthy is out of order. He's been stringing you along. The only thing I disagree with is that living together can help a person know if they are compatible or not. But putting a time on it (he said 1 year) is really strange. It's like he thought this out in a way that would benefit him financially. He's only thinking of himself, not you or the relationship. He thought you would support him basically, hence the "untrustworthy" remark. I would run.

DPotter · 28/11/2023 03:04

Your update confirms Cocklodger status I'm afraid

He said he was sure that he would want to marry me,it was just a matter of time - really this doesn't mean anything, he's stringing you along. Don't let him move in and if you stay together, go halves on everything.

He sees nice accommodation, an obliging woman to helps fund his lifestyle, he's not seeing you as the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Sorry

flowerchild2000 · 28/11/2023 03:06

DPotter · 28/11/2023 02:48

Whilst I get what some are saying about living together before agreeing to get engaged, you've known each other for nearly 3 years, so he must have some idea if you are the One. He's being dangling the 'engagement flag' in front of your nose, and is threatening to break up with you if you won't let him move in. This man is not a keeper, he's a taker and you're right he will expect you to financially support him (Bet he's planning to drop the part-time job 'to concentrate on his studies').

If you do want him to move in (and it's not something I would recommend) - he pays half of everything - utilities, insurance, council tax, food, rainy day fund, and you agree up front who does what chores and when.

This! Exactly!

Original poster

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 03:07

flowerchild2000 · 28/11/2023 03:04

Calling you untrustworthy is out of order. He's been stringing you along. The only thing I disagree with is that living together can help a person know if they are compatible or not. But putting a time on it (he said 1 year) is really strange. It's like he thought this out in a way that would benefit him financially. He's only thinking of himself, not you or the relationship. He thought you would support him basically, hence the "untrustworthy" remark. I would run.

Yeah I understand the living together thing, just difficult in our situation

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Threadreplier · 28/11/2023 03:14

So many relationships that work beautifully, don't work living together. I don't think the sentiment is unreasonable. I might be different to others, but think he should pay you the same he's currently paying in rent and bills. It's not his "fault" you have a more expensive place and you're already paying for this. When his income increases, agree to revisit so it's fair. You do need to be able to talk about finances to have a successful future together.

Weird part is the move in or split up threat he's given you. I guess if he was hurt/shocked (perhaps he thought you were saying you'd split up if you didn't get engaged?) he might have said this in the heat of the moment, and not really meant it.

Actually, living together a year could help you realise if that weird threat was a one-off or a pattern/ bigger issue. I got engaged before living with my first husband, we moved in together before marriage. I wish we'd lived together before engagement as when issues arose when we started living together we were close to and committed to marriage and I thought they were due to circumstances (wedding and his PhD viva). They weren't and that marriage sadly didn't work. My second marriage we lived together a long time before engagement and I was 100% sure we were compatible in domestic chores etc.

One last thing, say he was planning to propose at Christmas and move in, January and you start discussing getting engaged before moving in, he might feel like either you've spoilt his surprise, or that what was his plan, now feels pressured. You're both relatively young. I'd just enjoy Christmas, try the moving in thing and see how it goes. It might work beautifully and if it doesn't, you'll prevent a costly mistake.

Original poster

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 03:19

Threadreplier · 28/11/2023 03:14

So many relationships that work beautifully, don't work living together. I don't think the sentiment is unreasonable. I might be different to others, but think he should pay you the same he's currently paying in rent and bills. It's not his "fault" you have a more expensive place and you're already paying for this. When his income increases, agree to revisit so it's fair. You do need to be able to talk about finances to have a successful future together.

Weird part is the move in or split up threat he's given you. I guess if he was hurt/shocked (perhaps he thought you were saying you'd split up if you didn't get engaged?) he might have said this in the heat of the moment, and not really meant it.

Actually, living together a year could help you realise if that weird threat was a one-off or a pattern/ bigger issue. I got engaged before living with my first husband, we moved in together before marriage. I wish we'd lived together before engagement as when issues arose when we started living together we were close to and committed to marriage and I thought they were due to circumstances (wedding and his PhD viva). They weren't and that marriage sadly didn't work. My second marriage we lived together a long time before engagement and I was 100% sure we were compatible in domestic chores etc.

One last thing, say he was planning to propose at Christmas and move in, January and you start discussing getting engaged before moving in, he might feel like either you've spoilt his surprise, or that what was his plan, now feels pressured. You're both relatively young. I'd just enjoy Christmas, try the moving in thing and see how it goes. It might work beautifully and if it doesn't, you'll prevent a costly mistake.

Thank you, I do think it's good to live together to be sure.

I'm just worried about the money thing.
I know he was not planning to propose. He told me definitely not for at least 1 year

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MilkChocolateCookie · 28/11/2023 03:21

I think it's reasonable to want to live together for a bit before getting engaged, but I think you're also reasonable to expect it to happen fairly soon as you've been together a while now. So - a year is ok but I wouldn't want it to be longer than that! Maybe make that clear to him and see what he says? And then propose to him yourself if he hasn't in a year's time, and if he says no then time to end things then.