To expect engagement

[Ellll9478]

So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years
Everything is really good,he is lovely and treats me well.
We had a plan to move in together this year but a few things went wrong and it didn't happen

Our new plan was to move in together ( to my apartment that I own) in Jan next year. Everything was good, making plans ect

Then we had a conversation A few days ago about getting married and the future.
I thought that moving in together ment that engagement was pretty much guaranteed. He said as much, whenever a friend got engaged he'd say, your turn soon.
But now he's saying he would wanna live together at least a year before he even decides if he wants to get married to me/ propose.
Am I wrong for thinking that you should be decided before you move in together?

The thing that worries me is that I own the apartment,I don't have a mortgage or anything. And he would be giving me just a little towards bills and stuff,he's doing a PhD so doesn't have much money, but I was okay with this because I thought it would be helpful to our future together

Am I wrong to now change my mind? Because of the engagement thing?

I'm 26 he's 30
He wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy

I haven't had many healthy relationships so please be kind but honest

I let ex move in whilst he was studying for a Degree and he was happy for me to fund him and keep him 'just until the course ended.' Then it would be his turn to keep me, he said. I believed him.
He graduated, got a well paid job and kicked me into touch. Told me I'd served my purpose, thank you.
Your chap sounds a cocklodger with an eye for his own advantage.

There is a saying thst women should not charge girlfriend prices for wife sevices.

Let him work for you. When you tell him you want him to pull his weight watch carefully as he reacts. If he swings from angry to love bombing step back. Then watch as he returns to angry. If he truly loves you he'll accept and respect your decision. Otherwise he'll be gone. His leaving will be the best thing for you.

If I was you he would definitely be out on his ear. As someone else said, he’s a taker, not a giver. The ultimatum and the ‘you don’t deserve a present’ sound exactly like an ex of mine - and I am beyond glad that he is no longer in my life. I have found someone who would never consider saying either of these things.

Toxic, your post almost made me scream and cry! How dreadful for you and what an absolute wretch the man was. Sheesh, words fail me.

I have known two couples where the woman supported the man while he studied and have to say they did work out as intended and very well too - but your bloke was a disgrace.

I hope you moved on and found someone worthy of you.

He sounds like he'll move in, not pay his way, dangle the ring, get engaged eventually, then dangle the wedding so you'll be engaged for years.
He'll then marry you, divorce and take half.
Of course life is a gamble as tomorrow isn't promised but he's shown you her true colours already.

Abusers are not horrible 100% of the time. They can be the most charming sweet people no one would believe they were capable of hurting anyone.

A birthday card is £1 In some places, it's not about the money but lack of thought about making you feel special on your birthday.

He's selfish, greedy and a user. Run!

I think you’re going to be bringing a lot more to the table than he is in terms of financial support if he moves in with you.

If he is comfortable with that arrangement without giving you the commitment of an engagement, as he has previously hinted at & you have made clear is what you want, and despite being a couple for nearly 3 years (that’s a long time, ought to know if he wants to stay with you long term or not by now) then he sounds a bit flaky to me. I would advise you to re-consider allowing him to move in, and if he keeps his ‘threat’ of breaking up with you as a consequence then it’s proof he’s not right for you, and you’ll be saving yourself a lot of heartache in the long run.

Its not that living together before marriage is wrong (I lived with my DH for 5 1/2 years b4 we wed over 22 years ago) but it ought to be on a financially equal basis, otherwise it can cause bitterness on your part if you feel taken for granted, which can drive a wedge between you. I would tell him you’re having 2nd thoughts about giving up your independence, so would rather wait until you are both 💯 committed & financially stable (him) before moving in together.

I can see why all these comments. However, if I were to sya my experience: when I met my now husband I was a student. We moved in together when I was still a student. We paid 50/50 for accommodation (bills included), but he likely paid much much more of our living expenses than I did. We were not engaged at that point. move to now, some 20 years later with 2 kids: He's working 4 days a week and I am earning double what he earns (and we pay bills based on how much we earn). His paying and supporting me has more than paid off for him I hope! So in itself it's not a red flag, but might be with others. Are there other red flags? Can he keep paying what he is paying now, so he's not disadvantaged and neither are you? (you might actually be benefitting if he keeps paying what he is now, as your bills will reduce but will likely not double by having him there).

Sorry it sounds like he is building up to be a cock lodger

Red flag OP , him saying he would like you to support him and he wouldn’t need to work . This is no way to be in a relationship let alone an engagement. He needs to grow up and start supporting himself not expect you to subsidise him . I would see how things go until he’s finished studying and then decide if you want to stay with him.

'he even said he would like to not work at all if I'd be willing to support him'
^ this is bad! He has told you he wants to live off you. Please don't let him move in. He will end up freeloading off you as he cannot even afford paying his share of living expenses

@Barney60

agree with you that there may be some instances where he could make a claim against the property

as you say, it could be that they rent elsewhere and OP rents out her property

i had said in a previous post that another way of dealing with it if they both move into the property in question is with a cohabitation agreement containing a declaration of trust.

definitely should take legal advice if the plan is to move into your property OP

@Ellll9478

Dump.

He is backpedalling like mad.

He dangled the carrot because he knows women want marriage and babies. He wants a cheaper but nicer place to live. He knows he has to play the game to get it. Now he is threatening to dump you. As if he is in the position of power. Call his bluff and dump him.

He wants a mum not a wife.

If he pays you rent, he could in future years, claim a percentage of your home if he leaves, being married or not.
I would advise a solicitor because it’s your home, you need to ring fence it. You don’t have to tell him you have seen someone.
I do know of a person who owned her home. Her bf moved in and when he left her, he claimed half her house. She was retired and had to take out a mortgage .

That’s not sweet that’s abusive. Don’t get engaged to or marry a man like that.

I agree with the Pp who say that he’s using you to subsidise his lifestyle choices.

Id dump him and look for a man who pays his way and wants the same things as you in life. you are 26 with your own flat and a good job - you are a catch and you won’t need to settle.

He’s playing you. Using you for cheap accommodation and shagging during his studies. No no no. Wait until he’s finished. ✅

Why is he doing a PHD? Is it going to lead to a great job?
Is he an academic (pun on the '.cad....' part)!
Is he going to be a lecturer? How do you feel about that?

Areshole men dont turn up looking like arseholes. They pretend to be nice and then alternate between jive and cruel so that you keep some hope and blame yourself and "try harder" to "be better".

He's a cocklodging man boy at the age of 30.

I bet he still plays video games with "bezzie mates".

PhD is a doddle. You have no real contact time and you can work your arse off in a full time job really so the argument about not having money isn't or shouldn't be relevant. I bet he's just still studying because he doesn't want to face the big bad world and get a real fucking job !

Man boy again !

Even if he does propose, this is no man to marry.

Being alone is better than this.

I wouldn't trust somebody that jumps into saying your untrustworthy if you don't agree to subside him. And suggesting that he stio working while you support him???? I would leave him. He is using you.
Even if he proposes now I wouldn't trust him to not break the engagement

This sounds like a red flag to me. Not even a card “because you didn’t deserve one because you’d upset him”?!! My ex started off sweet to me then started to do things and make remarks like this which when I questioned him he explained away in a manner that I accepted as reasonable(!) at the time. So I moved in with him. He turned out to be abusive, a Narcissist in effect.

There is something really nasty and controlling about this that I don’t like. It also seems that he is the one calling all the shots. The fact that he has threatened to break up with you if you decide to reconsider moving in together is a huge red flag.

From my perspective you are young and relatively inexperienced and I think I’d be giving him the heave-ho as he doesn’t sound particularly nice or kind.

I'm think some posters haven't read all your updates!!!

“he even said he would like to not work at all if I'd be willing to support

you don't deserve a birthday card for upsetting him

Darling he's telling you who he is!!!!

Run 🏃🏿‍♀️ run for the hills.

Nothing wrong with having a short engagement! You could get engaged next Christmas and marry in the summer.

I think finding out if you can live together before getting married is actually a good idea although an engagement in that situation would be nice.

See it as renting a room to him and make sure he pays his way - you might realise you don't want to marry him! I don't think a year is an unreasonable ask. Just remember you have as much right to throw him out!

“he even said he would like to not work at all if I'd be willing to support"

I would like to not work at all if you'd be willing to support me too.

Honestly OP 26 is young, to find another partner. Don't waste any more of your youth on this man.

This.
OP, please note that many people venture into a PhD programme because they aren't ready to be thrown into the competitive labour market.
I came to realise that one of the reasons my ex stayed in full-time education doing a PhD and not working at all was to avoid paying child support to his ex-wife.
A highly educated man doesn't necessarily translate to a responsible husband and/ or father.