To expect engagement

[Ellll9478]

So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years
Everything is really good,he is lovely and treats me well.
We had a plan to move in together this year but a few things went wrong and it didn't happen

Our new plan was to move in together ( to my apartment that I own) in Jan next year. Everything was good, making plans ect

Then we had a conversation A few days ago about getting married and the future.
I thought that moving in together ment that engagement was pretty much guaranteed. He said as much, whenever a friend got engaged he'd say, your turn soon.
But now he's saying he would wanna live together at least a year before he even decides if he wants to get married to me/ propose.
Am I wrong for thinking that you should be decided before you move in together?

The thing that worries me is that I own the apartment,I don't have a mortgage or anything. And he would be giving me just a little towards bills and stuff,he's doing a PhD so doesn't have much money, but I was okay with this because I thought it would be helpful to our future together

Am I wrong to now change my mind? Because of the engagement thing?

I'm 26 he's 30
He wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy

I haven't had many healthy relationships so please be kind but honest

I hadn’t realised how much you’re concerned he may be using you. To some extent I think his rejection of an imminent engagement is a good thing for you. It doesn’t sound like your previous expectation - that he’d move in, you would support him and you’d get engaged was actually a good plan given your concerns. An engagement is easy to break. Being engaged and subsidising him is no more secure than not being engaged and subsidising him.

I would be careful about how you frame any conversation with him about this if you’re going to have him move in. Don’t give him the option to ask you to marry him and not pay his way.

If you decide to stay with him, tell him you’ve thought about what he’s said and maybe he’s right, that you should be taking things step by step and engagement and the commitments you’d been anticipating are running before you can walk, so he’s right, you should move in and work out finances so the arrangement works for both of you and see how that goes first. Don’t say “If we aren’t going to get engaged we need to work out finances.” (Or if you do and he says, “Let’s get engaged”, well I’m sure you see where this is heading).

It can be difficult when you have different financial situations and you’re trying to make a relationship work. You don’t want to be used financially if you’re better off nor do you want to spend more than you can really afford to keep up with a richer partner. So you need some sense of generosity, but you also want to see that he isn’t taking anything for granted or just taking from you to enrich his life.

Another thing is,it was my birthday in October and he got me nothing,no card or anything.
He was getting ready to start uni so I didn't expect much, I knew he probably couldn't get me a gift.
But I thought he would probably get me a card
But nothing at all, when I mentioned it he said I didn't deserve anything, not even a card because I'd upset him

he is usually so sweet to me so it's a bit confusing

Yes this is a daily expression that we have to rinse and repeat but again why are you with him?

an engagement seems to by what you want but I can't for the life of me work out why?

I would not marry someone without living together for two years. I feel that you need the whole two years of family occasions, holidays, and general life to make a judgment about lifelong compatibility, and even then it is a gamble.

He wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy

It'd be a hard NO from me. Who is he to make ultimatums? He's no money, you'd be putting a roof over his head whilst he pays a little towards bills, as you've put it. Like living with mummy

he even said he would like to not work at all if I'd be willing to support him

You need to ask yourself some hard questions and give yourself honest answers as to why you're even contemplating setting up home with this man. He's interested in the benefits of being with you but he doesn't respect you (hence cheeky ultimatum) and more likely sees you as a placeholder as opposed to his lifepartner

Yes I think that is important, but I just don't want to be used because I can provide accommodation.i think I'll end it. I do think we should live together first

Yes I think you are right.
But I love him, and I thought that he wanted a future together. Reading the comments I think it's best to just end it, I know he doesn't want to be with me if I don't agree to moving together, but he also can't afford it

Omg.

Please, dump this user moocher and raise your standards. You deserve better.

Girl, run!

This behaviour coupled with the plan to move in and let you support him while he studies and calling you untrustworthy if you don’t go along with what he wants are all massive red flags. I do agree with living together before getting engaged by the way so I don’t think he’s being unreasonable with that part of it but all the other bits are wrong. He’s telling you who he is, listen!

You are young, you have plenty of time to find someone better for you. Don’t waste it on him.

Oh op. You’re being used. And he’s treating you terribly. Please end this relationship, or if you can’t bring yourself to, tell him you want to pause the living together so you can both be sure.

he’s using you for money, and the no birthday stuff as you’d upset him is appalling, I really hope you have the strength to end it and bin him off. He’s only with you for the apartment.

please don’t try to force an engagement, he will just do it for the accommodation, he isn’t going to marry you.

Interesting you're worried about the money thing. I don't hugely agree with some of the "cocklodger" posts on here. Me and my husband both earn similar 6 figure salaries (I'm 40 with 3 kids with him, for context). To get there in our professions (scientists) we needed to be highly educated which has meant periods where both of us concentrated on our education whilst the other supported them. We've consistently taken this in turns and actually I'm on mat leave and hubby is about to have 5 months paternity leave when I return to work. We were pretty broke age 30. The key is being able to discuss finances so it really is fair. Yes, he may give up his part-time job if he's at the end of a PhD, many do as it's incredibly stressful. Don't see that as a "red flag" if its to invest in the future. Just make sure his future involves him using his education to get high earnings and not float around being a forever student (as it sounds like this would bother you). I have many colleagues earning 6 figure salaries and their male partner is a sahp. There's nothing wrong with this per se, as long as its something you agree to, the same as when someone is a sahm. So think about what you want/need from him and if you need him to earn, set these expectations and boundaries so they're clear to you both. As you're worried about finances, this suggests you don't have a clear plan together yet. You really do need to have this, for a successful marriage and life together.

Following my previous post though, this is weird. This, for me, might actually be a complete deal breaker as suggests he's really not thoughtful to you snd your feelings.

Thank you, I'll definitely not let him move in and see what happens with him.
I just thought I was being mean because he had no money, but it doesn't cost much for a card.

He has usually been a really sweet guy. But nothing for my birthday. He has always previously,so that's why I questioned if I'm being unreasonable

I think it's fair to move in together before getting engaged and I think this is good for you too. I don't understand his comment about you being trustworthy though and I'd also be wary if he's just moving in to save money and also be aware of the legality around this if you own everything. In saying that he should really know by 3 years if he thinks he wants to marry you so maybe you need to have a conversation about the future and how you both see it. To me the natural progression is dating, move in, engagement, marriage so it's on the right track and he might just been a lousy communicator equally he might just be stringing you along. I'd say give him the benefit of the doubt but absolutely have a frank discussion

Someone has said it cocklodger for sure. Please don't let time move in. That niggliy feeling that's making you feel somethings not right, that's made you post on here. It's that. He's not right!

It's reasonable to want to live together first, living together is totally different to seeing each other twice a week etc. Seems sensible.

I think you are right. I'm not great with relationships. Ok think I need a break
Thanks

I agree with most previous replies. The moving in prior to engagement thing makes sense, but threatening to split if you don't let him move in and not even getting you a card for your birthday are massive red flags. He sounds suspiciously controlling to me, calling you untrustworthy and saying that you had upset him. Both those comments sound manipulative and designed to make you do what he wants.

I've been in controlling relationships before and it's often difficult to spot it until it's too late. Look after yourself OP, he should be paying you what he is currently paying elsewhere and you'll be happy to support him just as soon as you're married (NOT just engaged as a previous reply mentioned).

This!

If he couldn't even get you a card? Red flag.

If you "didn't deserve" a card? What the actual fuck????

He's just looking for free lodgings. End it now

He wants a future together where you pay while he studies. Where he doesn't have to acknowledge any kind of bare minimum on your birthday because he's upset at something. And where he gives ultimatums to get what he wants.

If you were engaged then paying more of the share of costs while he studies would be understandable, but not at this point. And especially not with how he treats you.

Its hard when you love them, but love on its own isn't enough.

I'm sorry, OP, this is miserable for you. But at least you can avoid getting further entangled with this user. If you had got engaged, it sounds like it would have been an endless engagement, until he wanted to secure half of your property.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" Maya Angelou

“he even said he would like to not work at all if I'd be willing to support him” 😕

He thinks you’re untrustworthy if you won’t give him his own way. Can’t be bothered to buy you a birthday card or make any effort at all.

You’re in danger of him agreeing to an engagement, no ring, no party- just so he can move in for a nice, easy life.

I also think living together before marriage is a good idea, provided he’s paying his way. He needs to complete his studies and get a job first.

This is not an easy situation at all to navigate, you have my sympathies.

I think even if his intentions are loving, he’d get used to living off you if you let him.

I struggled with healthy relationships too in my 20s. I wish I’d sought counselling sooner, it was very helpful to me, and I’d suggest you consider this.

Well done for thinking this through seriously - life goes past so fast, you’re doing the right thing to stop and take a checkpoint before handing over your window of fertility to this man.