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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect engagement

303 replies

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:19

So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years
Everything is really good,he is lovely and treats me well.
We had a plan to move in together this year but a few things went wrong and it didn't happen

Our new plan was to move in together ( to my apartment that I own) in Jan next year. Everything was good, making plans ect

Then we had a conversation A few days ago about getting married and the future.
I thought that moving in together ment that engagement was pretty much guaranteed. He said as much, whenever a friend got engaged he'd say, your turn soon.
But now he's saying he would wanna live together at least a year before he even decides if he wants to get married to me/ propose.
Am I wrong for thinking that you should be decided before you move in together?

The thing that worries me is that I own the apartment,I don't have a mortgage or anything. And he would be giving me just a little towards bills and stuff,he's doing a PhD so doesn't have much money, but I was okay with this because I thought it would be helpful to our future together

Am I wrong to now change my mind? Because of the engagement thing?

I'm 26 he's 30
He wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy

I haven't had many healthy relationships so please be kind but honest

OP posts:
Tandora · 29/11/2023 22:42

toxic44 · 29/11/2023 19:56

I let ex move in whilst he was studying for a Degree and he was happy for me to fund him and keep him 'just until the course ended.' Then it would be his turn to keep me, he said. I believed him.
He graduated, got a well paid job and kicked me into touch. Told me I'd served my purpose, thank you.
Your chap sounds a cocklodger with an eye for his own advantage.

Yep. I had one of these too.

Don’t do it OP. If he moves in, then fine, but he pays his own way- at least what he is paying for his place and his bills now .

tbh though I think he’s shown his true colours/ intentions by threatening you with ending it if you don’t let him sponge off you as planned, and telling you you’re not “trustworthy”.

notanoda · 29/11/2023 23:02

I understand that many are suggesting that it's okay to move into your home so long as he pays his way and if the castle crumbles, OP can kick him out.
In reality, there are emotional costs of sharing a home with a user/ cocklodger. They could really damage how you feel about and in your home, so much so that after they leave you may no longer want to be in your home due to the painful memories.
I would suggest he stays where he is and live on his own merit. If he shows you a selfless and committing side, which I doubt he genuinely has, then go rent a flat together and start from scratch. Protect your mind, your space and the fruits of your labour.

Pogue4Life · 29/11/2023 23:42

OP I was together with my partner for 7 years before we got engaged. We moved in together after a year. All our friends were either getting married or having babies so I mentored we weren’t doing either he took the hint
don’t rush into things. After loving together you may decide things arent working

Katej82 · 30/11/2023 00:20

I think it's sensible to see if you can work living together but he shouldn't have been teasing you with your turn soon etc maybe you might have treaded on a surprise? . You need to know if you can live with him I mean I adore my husband but it can be tough living with him he's like a messy teenager! X

Poodleydoodley · 30/11/2023 00:23

I’d be worried that he just wants you as his dinner ticket till he finishes his PhD and then buggers off.

Mamanyt · 30/11/2023 00:27

Something to consider...I just checked stats, and 19% of couples who live together before an engagement divorce. 12% of those who live together after the engagement, but before marriage divorce. 10% of those who do not live together before marriage divorce. SO, living together before an engagement almost doubles your chance of divorce.

Seeleyboo · 30/11/2023 00:41

100% cocklodger. Don't let him move in. He'll take the piss and rinse you. As others have said. Tell him you'll revise the moving in once he has a full time job with similar earnings. You'll also know by then if he's husband material.

EmeraldA129 · 30/11/2023 01:03

pinkfondu · 28/11/2023 02:21

Move in or break up doesn't sound very good. How is he paying for his living expenses now?

I agree with this. It sounds like he’s taking a loan of you. If he’s moving in make him pay a reasonable amount towards the property & running costs. If you have no mortgage make sure he’s paying half of everything including factor fees & a contribution to ongoing repairs etc as a minimum.

on the plus side, if he is a user who is skint & you own your home outright, maybe it’s for the best that you are not going to be married to him any time soon as you could end up fighting for your own possessions in a few years time.

sjfev · 30/11/2023 06:36

I don't think he has changed his mind at all. I do think it is important to live together before you get engaged and I also feel he might be trying to put it out of your mind a little so your not just expecting it all the time so it's more special when it happens...
I would say have a conversation with him and just tell him that you need to know that's where you are heading... If it's on a month or a year that is defo his intention if you live together in harmony (there is no such thing, but as harmonious as possible haha) and if it's yes go with it...
Also you say he isn't in the best position financially you need to take that into account too with purchasing a ring, paying for a wedding etc... I would make sure it is defo in the near future and then drop it completely and let him do it when he is ready xx

WhiteArsenic · 30/11/2023 07:11

Mamanyt · 30/11/2023 00:27

Something to consider...I just checked stats, and 19% of couples who live together before an engagement divorce. 12% of those who live together after the engagement, but before marriage divorce. 10% of those who do not live together before marriage divorce. SO, living together before an engagement almost doubles your chance of divorce.

this difference is probably because these days couples who don’t live together before marriage will also tend to be less likely to consider divorce an acceptable option, for religious or other reasons that make them not want to do either, rather than because living together before marriage somehow itself causes a relationship to be more likely to fail. “Correlation does not equal causation.”

but anyway, I hope the OP is thinking carefully about this problematic situation.

Katej82 · 30/11/2023 08:37

Poodleydoodley · 30/11/2023 00:23

I’d be worried that he just wants you as his dinner ticket till he finishes his PhD and then buggers off.

Agree, you should be cautious OP especially as it's your property co habitees can gain rights like a spouse ie you own property if he stays there 3 years says he's contributed the court can order him a portion of that property. Sorry to be negative but you must think carefully and trust this person 💯 and contribute means bills decorating etc doesn't have to pay a mortgage it's like improving the home ridiculous unless it's excessive but I've seen it happen.

Yorkshirepudin · 30/11/2023 09:36

I think you really don’t know someone unless you live with them, he is right about living together for year first, it’s a good time to know for sure about getting engaged. But it’s weird that he would break up with you if you don’t move in together that doesn’t seem right. Imagine getting engaged/married before moving in together and then later on realising that you can’t bare to live together?

Nipsmum · 30/11/2023 10:14

Don't be bullied by this man. You have every right to question his commitment. If your not sure, give it some more time. Don't let him order you to a deadline. You have nothing to lose by waiting for a long as you want.

Madamum18 · 30/11/2023 14:44

The issue really isn't move in or not move in. The issue really IS the red flags evident in his nasty controlling put down comments!

Therealjudgejudy · 30/11/2023 15:20

So many red flags. Throw this one back

billy1966 · 30/11/2023 15:32

Oh my goodness OP, could it be more obvious that you are to be used to fund his Phd.

You are absolutely a convenience.

He will no doubt back track when he realises you are rethinking.

He thinks you are a fool that is bonkers about him.
He couldn't be arsed to get you a gjft because he neither thought you worth it, nor was it even necessary.
He is SO sure of you..

He is a 100% user and he will be furious that he over played his hand. He will back track as free accommodation is a great lure.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk asap.

Get some counselling to figure out what self respect and standards look like, because you have target written on your forehead if this is what you will tolerate.

You deserve so much better.
Protect your assets carefully.
You sound both vulnerable and naive.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

piperpheobepruepaige · 30/11/2023 15:44

Let him go - he doesnt have your best interests at heart

OhwhyOY · 30/11/2023 16:12

I think your gut can tell you what to do. Not getting you something for your birthday isn't necessarily a bad sign, some people just aren't that focused on gifts etc. However saying he didn't because you didn't deserve it is childish and worrying behaviour. Saying he wants to live together before getting engaged is perfectly fine and pretty sensible really on the face of it. But if your gut is telling you something's wrong then it most likely is. Accepting sometimes one person shoulders more of the financial burden than the other is part of being a partnership, but so too is pulling your weight. Hinting you'll quit your job so your partner can support you when you're already not bringing in enough to pay the bills is not ok. Definitely don't let him move in unless he agrees to pay his share.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 30/11/2023 17:58

You posted because your gut was telling you he's not a good man. Listen to your gut.

FindingNeverland28 · 30/11/2023 21:12

Tell him that girlfriend mode entitles him to ‘sleep overs’ and fiancé mode entitles him to move in.
You could always spin his own line back round on him and say that by you not getting engaged makes him untrustworthy. See how he likes it.
On a serious note though, his ultimatum is a huge red flag 🚩 it stinks of emotional blackmail.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/11/2023 21:32

You've been together for nearly 3 years, he didn't buy you a birthday card because you upset him ?!!!

WOW

and he has already suggested he wouldn't mind giving up his part time job if you could/would support him financially.

WOW WOW WOW

For how many years would that be ? as I thought he only started in Oct.

Surely if you were to get engaged one would be thinking of saving / paying for the wedding, which I guess would be after he graduates - having lived off you for x years...

I can just hear him saying that he can't afford to get married until he has been x years in the next job as he needs to work his way up etc.

Mamanyt · 30/11/2023 23:11

WhiteArsenic · 30/11/2023 07:11

this difference is probably because these days couples who don’t live together before marriage will also tend to be less likely to consider divorce an acceptable option, for religious or other reasons that make them not want to do either, rather than because living together before marriage somehow itself causes a relationship to be more likely to fail. “Correlation does not equal causation.”

but anyway, I hope the OP is thinking carefully about this problematic situation.

Show quote history

Actually, the statistics haven't changed greatly over the last 40+ years, when I first took a look at them for a paper I was writing in Uni.

After decades of observing (and being married twice), I'm prone to think that the difference is due to expectations. If you live together first, you have the mistaken belief of thinking you know what marriage will be like. Then you say, "I DO!" and think, "Who the HELL is this person?" If you don't live together, you're expecting uncharted waters.

Spicastar · 01/12/2023 01:10

Honey he's trying to twist your arm. He doesn't actually treat you that well if he didn't mark your birthday but TOLD you, you don't deserve anything because you upset him. This is emotional abuse 101 and he's trying to angle towards financial abuse: living with you rent-free and threatening with break up every time you ask for fair deal with money.
I'd definitely park this and say: we can revisit moving in together after he finishes his PhD and is able to contribute properly. Then you'll know whether he's with you for you, or for a prospect of financial support/near-free lodging. You probably already know the answer.

Original poster
Ellll9478 · 01/12/2023 04:27

Thanks to everyone for the replies. I've now ended it with him.

He is now doing the love bombing thing that he did at the start, I'm trying hard to ignore it

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellll9478 · 01/12/2023 04:31

Mudflaps · 29/11/2023 14:31

Oh pet I wish I could sit and chat with you in real life, have you got anyone you can do this with? I'm more than old enough to be your mother and I think you need to heed the warnings given by the previous posters who have life experiences to draw on. You are still very young, don't write yourself off as being bad at relationships, you simply haven't meet someone good enough yet. This guy is not going to marry you, he is hoping to move in, live off you in comfort, give up work and get his studying finished and then he'll cause a row, storm out and blame you!! We didn't have the term 'cocklodger' when I was your age, we'd have just called him a selfish prick which he absolutely is. Tell him you've decided you've not got a future together and let him go. You've got a long life in front of you to meet a nice guy who'll treat you better. I met my husband when I was 30, we dated for seven years before getting married but never lived together prior to that, it's worked good for us so it's not essential to live together, every couple is unique. Best of luck, I'll be thinking of you and hoping you are strong enough to tell him to take a long hike.

Thank you for your comment, this really helped me.

OP posts:
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