So, so conflicted....

[Fartooold]

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

Not unreasonable at all. How dare they!

Not unreasonable at all. Suggest she seemed support from the other woman in the group. Or that you’re not in a position to help and support
at the moment.

the cheek of people never ceases to amaze me.

Yeah, she can go fuck herself. I wouldn’t give her the time of day

Was it the first one or the second one? If the second then no. I would not help her out.

The women sound vile and you did the right thing cutting them out of your life. She can find support elsewhere

Telling you your top had slipped down isn't so bad, but the other person was very nasty. Sorry you went through that.

“I’m sure you’ll recall just how supportive you were to me during our last meal out together.”

And block.

Is this woman one of the two who had a go at you? If so I would be very tempted to say you have never forgotten that evening and the effect was devastating for you. And say nothing more. Wow at their behaviour, these were your friends?

Is it the one who was rude to you?

Normally I would try & be the bigger person but I’d be tempted to wish her good luck & hope she has the opportunity to show off her ugly scars.

@Fartooold , what do you truly want to do? I’d do that absolutely. In your situation I hope I’d offer support but this is very personal to you. How would you feel ultimately if you didn’t offer support to this woman?

No of course not. Remind her of how cruel she was and block her. Let her find her support elsewhere.

I'm usually a fairly forgiving person but I would tell her to go fuck herself.

Nah, fuck her, what goes around comes around.

I think my answer would be "sure friend, don't wear tops that might expose something if they slip or if that happens I hope nobody makes you feel shit about it. I'd say you're welcome but I learnt that from you" petty but I'm so cross just reading your post on your behalf. I hope you're ok xxx

I'd send her some links to charities that are there to help support, wish her well with her treatment and ignore any future contact!
You are absolutely not being unreasonable, some woman are just awful and not worth about headspace.

Id ignore sometimes no words have more impact. She's not worth your head space.

I'm afraid I'd find it hard to be the bigger person. It's not like they even apologised or tried to make amends afterwards once they saw the fallout of what they said. I'm actually angry on your behalf that people can be so nasty. I'd be tempted to say something like, "The best advice I can give is to choose your friends carefully. You'll find out who your real friends are as they will stick with you and support you." And walk away and don't look back.
These people deserve less than nothing from you, BC or no BC.
I hope you now have a heap of other, lovely people around you 🙂

Jesus fucking Christ, I think my first bit of advice to her would be choose decent friends, who don't kick you while you're down.

That is a terrible terrible thing she said to you (at the dinner, I mean).
So awful.

I remember your earlier thread... yeah, tell her to go fuck herself!

I’d remind her of how she supported you and wish her luck..how cruel of them to treat you like that.
I hope you’re ok now x

It was the first one 😐
These women had been my friends, I'd shared with them, laughed and cried with them, supported and been supported by them. Then was dumped when I had cancer.
People I hardly knew were bloody brilliant during the whole process, but apart from an odd text, nothing from these friends. It hurt then, but I excused it, thinking it was fear that drove them away. As I got better, they drifted back. Until that night!
It was the first ones husband who stepped in and was so lovely - but we even lost touch with him.

Agghh, this is so hard, my instinct is to help but I am so bitter about them I just think fuck it, crack on mate

Your initial reaction of telling her to fuck off is completely justified 😁

This feels right.

Could it be that she never wanted to lose touch and feels this is a natural moment? Maybe hear her out and see if she apologises. Or don’t, because you owe them nothing xxx