So, so conflicted....

[Fartooold]

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

You’re not bitter OP - your feelings are natural and appropriate.

I guess my biggest word of advice to her, would be to always wear a cardigan.

Honestly? I'd probably write back something vague like, "Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that. All the best on the journey, hoping you have a swift recovery" and leave it there. It's polite, but it makes it clear you don't want to engage.

I want to offer support🙄

Have you ever heard the saying "you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm"? Fuck her, you're not her therapist and you owe her nothing after her previous behaviour.

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through, you've really been up against it. Did your DH die after the dinner incident when they were rude to you or before? Because if he died afterwards did they reach out to you then?

I think the urge to be nice to this person is similar to the urge some women get to forgive their abusers because the idea of love is so nice and they want everything to be ok.

OP feel confident in stepping away from this person.

A reply of, so terribly sorry you're going through this, it's such a difficult situation but I don't think I'm the right person to help you through this as I still feel so bitter about the way I was treated. I wish you well.

You could offer your advice on dealing with insensitive comments from "friends"?

Only you can answer this really, OP. I’m really sorry that you were spoken to that way, and sorry the friends left you to your own devices. It’s a very personal journey. Let it sit a week or so and see how you feel.

If you want to offer something, how about the advice but not the support? Support is the bit that takes all your energy and I wouldn't be inclined to expend it on her. But your advice would be useful to her and might scratch your "I need to help" itch.

What, in all the intervening years she couldn’t get in touch, then the right moment just happens to be when she finds out she’s got breast cancer, and she also no doubt finds out what a bunch of shits the rest of the friendship group are? Yeah, coincidence that, very convenient.

if you replace breast cancer with something more mundane and less emotive you’d probably be in the fuck her camp as well. OP also had breast cancer, where was this so-called friend then, or when she was being humiliated?

I wouldn't. Id be polite..say 'thats awful news, im so sorry...you are probably best getting support from insert breast cancer support charity. Take care ' x

If she had text you with a sincere apology, and understood how hurtful her actions and her subsequent silence were, I’d maybe say offer support.

What they did was disgusting, and how hurt would you feel to support her through this only to be dropped again? Protect your peace, there are plenty of other places she can get support from.

I'm at a different point with my breast cancer than you. Just had the lumpectomy not had chemo and radiotherapy that I have to have yet.

I haven't told people my diagnosis or asked people I know who have had breast cancer for support because I think it may be upsetting for them. The fact the person who hurt you thinks they can use you now amazes me.

How supportive was she when your DH died? That would have been a good time for her to demonstrate good feeling.
You say her husband intervened at the time, so it’s not like she didn’t realise how awful she and the other woman were to you, or how upset you must have been. She’s had plenty of opportunity to apologise and to try and make it up with you, I wonder why she thinks it’s ok to ask you for help now?

He died afterwards, they all came to the funeral, but there were so many people there, and the day was a blur to be honest.
I'm thinking nice husband said 'if there's anything we can do......', but then so did everyone else!

I'm off out now, so will catch up later - nice to get other perspectives - and strangely lovely that someone remembers my first thread - I even posted a pic of offending top😅

Thanks all

This is an important point.

Also when she told you about the top was she trying to be helpful and does she normally just do whatever the other one tells her to?

I accidentally pressed the wrong vote. You are NOT being unreasonable x

There are plenty of places this woman can go for support, so don't feel obliged to help.

Personally I'd find it hard to offer advice, except for telling her that BC can sadly leave "ugly scars", but not as awful as the scars that are left mentally when so-called friends make extremely hurtful comments.

So they came to the funeral but anyone can do that. Did they reach out and provide support to you? Check in on you to see how you were coping?

I think their behaviour after the incident and the devastating loss of your DH tells you all about who they are. She's looking support now when she's in a difficult place but where was she when you were?

How long ago was the original incident because I think I remember it!

This! The nerve of these nasty women op. I'd say be sure no one sees your scar remember how disgusted you were by mine?

I understand your desire to support her, it must be such an awful thing to go through and the thought of anybody else suffering the same is horrible. As for the hurt you suffered, it’s natural to want people to see the error of their ways and come to understand how much they’ve hurt you, it’s a form of closure, but do you think that’s what’s happened here? Do you think it’s that this woman suddenly understands how hurtful their treatment of you was, or do you think she just sees you as a potential service provider?

OP it is not rude or cruel or any sort of negative on you if you choose to maintain your distance. This woman is no doubt scared but in this instance you must put yourself first. I would personally not respond. I am not regularly spiteful or vengeful but I would in no way want these people back in my life in any capacity

Neither. I think you should enjoy a few moments thinking about all the cutting remarks you could serve her with, maybe even do the classic thing of writing a letter you don't send. Then think about what actually feels right for you, which is probably not saying these things to her. She's already having the ultimate punishment to fit the crime. You also don't have to become her friend again - you could just send a short but final message wishing her well that doesn't suggest anything about future contact. Or indeed don't respond - she'll know why.

I wouldn't be responding to her. If they behave like that they will not have changed, if you do reach out I think you will end up getting hurt again. So sorry you had to go through that - awful behaviour from them.