So, so conflicted....

[Fartooold]

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

I've had people gasp at my surgical scars, one told me I shouldn't be outside in that state. Another said she was surprised I hadn't killed myself

Bloody hell, @scoobydoo1971!

Good advice, and it's great to hear you're justifiably proud.

How about ‘I am glad you have <husband> in your life, he was so kind and supportive during my own journey. As you know, unfortunately supportive isn’t the word for your own friendship group and I really can’t handle being reminded of how all of you treated me. Maybe you have better friends now, i know I do. I wish you well.

I remember your thread OP, they were truly awful.

If they didn't even make a meaningful attempt to rekindle the friendship after your DH died (attending the funeral doesn't count, I mean checking in on you) then don't get pulled back in now, they're no friends of yours.

"Hi Jane, I'm very sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Best of luck with your treatment. You will find out who your real friends are and it may surprise you. I'm not in a position to offer support but <charity/FB group/NHS website> have lots of info. Best wishes."

A response telling her you're not sure how to respond following your abandonment after that dinner.

How much emotional strength do you have to share?

I’d ignore it honestly. They weren’t there for you, you do not have to be there for you. I expect it would be massively triggering for you and upsetting as well.

Tell that bitch to fuck off, and don't look back.

Hope you are doing well now! 💐💐💐

I also agree with this and would do this.

You might want to offer help but your friendship can never go back to how it was and it will drag up all sorts of memories for you and she is very likely to drop you again once she has the information she wants.

You can't be the only person she knows who's had breast cancer, so many women have. Let her ask someone else.

When I had it & mentioned it to someone, she told me she'd had it & gave me encouraging words; then someone I barely knew found out about it & did the same. Everyone I had to mention it to was sympathetic. It was so nice. The only people who were absolute pigs about it were my GP's receptionists who f'ed up my cancer med prescriptions & then my dealing-with-the side-effects prescriptions & who ignored my pleas to sort it out because I'd got cancer & my consultants were telling me to start these meds asap.

I found parts of the process utterly devastating, & sometimes things trigger me & bring that sensation back. I'd worry that you might get the same reaction from being involved in someone else's healing process. She asked for advice & support - it sounds like she's asking for a hell of a lot, perhaps long-term.

I have supported other women through breast cancer & other cancers, but that was before I had it myself. I don't know if I could do it now.

I'd be curious is the two are still in touch. Will friend 2 be supportive now?

Decide which option would make YOU feel better OP. Sending a harsh response might make one person feel great but another person may be haunted by guilt and feel worse for doing it.

A one off msg with links to some supports like Pp suggest might be enough, but make it clear you are not available for a chat.

If it were me, I wouldn't respond at all. I wouldn't see the point in wasting any of my energy on even typing out a reply. I do hold grudges forever though.

Her having cancer does not mean she's not a terrible person. Protect yourself from people like her. You owe her nothing.

This ^

Jeez I can’t even believe someone would say something so cruel to you op and you’re giving them headspace. No. She was a cunt and she does not deserve your support or anything else. Your ‘go fuck yourself’ instinct was right.

I also think that @Crochetablanket's response is perfect.

I definitely think you need to bring it up. You don’t need to be nasty about it. But factually remind her of what happened.

you could advise her to build up a network of supportive friends because when it happened to you, those you thought were closest, ignored you then mocked your scars. And when you dared to be upset about it, you were cut out of their friendship group.

Also add that she has a very, kind supportive husband whose kindness that evening meant an enormous amount.

I’m usually one to say let it go, but her behaviour was cowardly ( at best) and I think people do sometimes need to hear how their behaviour has affected someone.

It’s fine to tell her to fuck off, OP. And fine to tell her more politely that you don’t want her to contact you.

It’s also fine to support her if you would get something out of doing so. So think about whether your feeling of obligation is about that female socialization to support and put in emotional labour that others don’t want to because you “should” or “it needs to be done”, or whether it’s about actually feeling good about seeing someone do well because of your input or the opportunity to reconnect with someone who was once a good friend.

What you shouldn’t do is pick up the mantle simply because you see it as something she needs that you can give. She burnt that bridge with you a long time ago and had many opportunities to rebuild that she didn’t pursue. She can put the work in to find other sources of support.

I wish I had been on MN back then to be able to offer you support after they treated you so horribly. I just do not understand how people can be cruel and then come back years later asking for help.

I am glad you have come through the other side of your journey but sorry to read that your DH died in the interim.

Did you have a different username back then? I hope MN gave you the support and love you needed back then and any time in the future. Take care of you and realize that your ex-friend is not your responsibility. There are many charities to help her and perhaps, I'd send along a couple of links, but that would be as far as I could go without feeling the whole déjà vu of the "dinner experience".

I’d be polite but non committal.
Not even that for the second woman though,

You don't sound like a vindictive person, so although you might get momentary satisfaction from sending one of the messages suggested in this thread, I think you will continue to feel conflicted afterwards and you don't need to invite that messiness into your life. I would just send a simple reply to the effect that she can feel free to reach out with any questions (if that's something you're willing to entertain). You never know but that the conversation may develop in a way where you can air your feelings on what happened in a non confrontational way and get closure on the hurt that was caused.

If you are drawn to helping her that is what you should do, however you have obviously got some issues with her still, and quite rightly so. I would possibly respond with; So sorry to hear this, please feel free to ask me anything, but the biggest piece of advice I can give you is make sure your top doesn't slip down 😉 we all know how embarrassing that is.
I would be there to help and support but don't let her get away without an apology first.

If your instinct is to support but you still feel bitter by the lack of support she gave you, can you tell her exactly that? You could ask her if she thinks you are the right person to support her right now, given this context, because if you do, you might need to clear the air with her first and she might not be up for that right now and make the decision for you.

Or can you show support in one way, as a one off, like send her something that you found helpful in getting through your treatment, but make it clear that is as much as you can offer? That way you will have shown some support but not committed yourself to starting up a one sided relationship again.

Nah YANBU

Karma

I'm sure there are many people she can turn to, you don't need to get involved in this. And do you really want to go into that dark space again? Focus on yourself and the people who are actually your friends. This screams 'user' to me.

No, no, no, no, no! You don’t have to be the ‘better person’ and provide support to her when she was an absolute bitch to you when you needed her support. Your initial reaction to tell her to fuck off is spot on.

Not a hope I would support her. And I would tell her plainly why. She offered you no support and sided with the bitch even though her husband agreed what was said was terrible. You owe her nothing

Exactly!!

I know several assholes who got cancer. It doesn't change the fact that they are vile people I want nothing to do with.