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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So, so conflicted....

397 replies

Fartooold · 26/11/2023 22:04

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

OP posts:
FourteenTog · 26/11/2023 23:03

It sounds so dehumanising. One way or another, you are being treated by her as her "breast cancer person". Either to be rebuked for scars, or to be exploited for support. Send a link to a charity and request no contact. Block if she answers.

Moveoverdarlin · 26/11/2023 23:03

I am someone that normally likes to keep the peace and let things slide, but I genuinely think you should tell her to fuck off. In a far more well mannered way, but basically fuck off.

Hi Jane, gosh what a surprise to hear from you! It’s been so long. If I recall the last time I saw you was at that dinner party. That awful awful dinner party which left me so upset. Do you remember? You told me you could see my mastectomy scars and Debbie then said how ugly they were? That night I was utterly blindsided that close friends could be so unbelievably cruel to me after going through such an ordeal. That night was end of our friendship group as we knew it wasn’t it? We never met up again. In fairness John did his best to keep things going. I hope he’s well. I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I know only too well what your going through. All the very best with your recovery.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/11/2023 23:04

It would be a no from me-and I am the biggest people pleaser in the world and always fuck myself over so don’t need others adding to it as they always do.

huggyhoo · 26/11/2023 23:04

My view would be, offer support if you feel you want to. However perhaps take some time first to think about why you want to support her, what that support will look like and how far you will go. Maybe it's worth considering how much you are prepared to open yourself up again to someone who wasn't really able to be there for you when you needed support (and who may well disappear again at some point).

Cloudywithahintofsunshine · 26/11/2023 23:04

There is a difference between wanting to support and feeling like you should. I’d take a bit of time to figure out which it is. Duty? Or genuine care?

If you support her, will you feel resentful? If you don’t will you feel guilty? Which is worse? I think guilt can be shifted easily in this scenario.

Once you have figured out if you WANT to support her, then you need to decide if you CAN.

Do you even have the capacity to support her? What will you not be doing if you dedicate some time to her? If she gets your emotional energy, who won’t? Time and energy are finite. How you use it is up to you, but ultimately you need to look after yourself first. You’ve been through a lot!!

I wouldn’t use this as an opportunity for pay back or revenge, no matter how tempting. It will just make you feel crap because you sound like a lovely person.

Much better to really feel sure if you want to, and then if you can, help - without it negatively impacting on you. If yes, then what are you prepared to do? Be clear. Just one coffee and chat? A weekly coffee and chat? It could bring you closer.

If you decide you actually don’t want to or can’t help. That’s absolutely ok. Completely. You owe her nothing and a simple ‘so sorry you are going through this. It’s crap isn’t it. I’m really sorry but life is super busy at the moment and my time and energy are limited so I have nothing to offer you. But I am sending you healing thoughts and wish you all the very best with your recovery’ - covers it.

Heronwatcher · 26/11/2023 23:05

It’s difficult to tell without being there- it sounds like the first woman wasn’t really in the wrong if all she did was mention the scars (hopefully in an effort to help) but I don’t know what else happened.

If you feel she was acting maliciously I’d be honest with her and say that you’re not sure you’re the best person to help out because you’re still upset about that incident. Her reaction may well tell you all you need to know.

BIossomtoes · 26/11/2023 23:06

Something that really stuck in my mind was my friend saying after her cancer diagnosis that she refused to be cancer’s secretary. I think you should refuse too.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 26/11/2023 23:07

I understand you wanting to help. It's natural for normal, decent people to think lies that.

However, some people don't deserve help, especially those who treat you badly.

When people ask for help and support, I then to reflect on whether they would do the same for me. You know in this instance, she wasn't supportive when you needed it and she doesn't deserve your support now. I can't believe she even has the cheek to ask.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 26/11/2023 23:08

misslooloo · 26/11/2023 22:32

I accidentally pressed the wrong vote. You are NOT being unreasonable x

@misslooloo you can just change your vote.

SkiingIsHeaven · 26/11/2023 23:08

Just say you are not in the right headspace and it will be too stressful to relive the experience.

I would want to tell her to shove it up her arse but I'm too polite.

SwordToFlamethrower · 26/11/2023 23:09

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/11/2023 22:21

This feels right.

Show quote history

Seconded

OnlyTheCrumbliestFlakiestChocolate · 26/11/2023 23:09

YANBU to feel the way you do. She sounds roxic. Having said that I do try to live by "treat someone not as they treat you but as you wish they would have treated you." So maybe give her the number of a helpline or suggest websites. How involved you want to be with supporting her is up to you. I can understand you not wanting more to do with her than that as she sounds toxic, and probably not a safe person to be around much .

Cloudywithahintofsunshine · 26/11/2023 23:10

Moveoverdarlin · 26/11/2023 23:03

I am someone that normally likes to keep the peace and let things slide, but I genuinely think you should tell her to fuck off. In a far more well mannered way, but basically fuck off.

Hi Jane, gosh what a surprise to hear from you! It’s been so long. If I recall the last time I saw you was at that dinner party. That awful awful dinner party which left me so upset. Do you remember? You told me you could see my mastectomy scars and Debbie then said how ugly they were? That night I was utterly blindsided that close friends could be so unbelievably cruel to me after going through such an ordeal. That night was end of our friendship group as we knew it wasn’t it? We never met up again. In fairness John did his best to keep things going. I hope he’s well. I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I know only too well what your going through. All the very best with your recovery.

Edited

I like this. It’s very open and honest. I think thought that creating upset in a person recently diagnosed with cancer wouldn’t be kind. Understandable. Deserved. But I think the OP would be left feeling a bit crap if she did this. I don’t think now is the time to say ‘you were a shit friend’. I think just saying ‘I’ve got too much on myself at the moment’ would be kinder.

Moominner · 26/11/2023 23:10

I’m with @socialdilemmawhattodo’s excellent advice. Protect yourself, OP.

GarlicMaybeNot · 26/11/2023 23:11

FourteenTog · 26/11/2023 23:03

It sounds so dehumanising. One way or another, you are being treated by her as her "breast cancer person". Either to be rebuked for scars, or to be exploited for support. Send a link to a charity and request no contact. Block if she answers.

I agree with this. On top of the appalling behaviour that night, these friends didn't bother to support you during your treatment and made no memorable effort to be there for you after your DH died. They weren't treating you as a human being then, and aren't now. It's bitterly disappointing.

You're already being the bigger person by thinking about how you can help this non-friend. A few pointers and best wishes will be enough.

That said, you would totally not be out of order to make a snarky comment!

porridgeisbae · 26/11/2023 23:13

Be the better person @Fartooold . Sounds like the person was really drunk or something.

Hippodogamus · 26/11/2023 23:15

Tbh the first one did nothing wrong I initially however the second one was bang out of order. The others should have recognised that and advised her to apologise.

Calling surgery scars ugly is just horrible.

Whydowomendothistothemselves · 26/11/2023 23:18

Except that the first one doesn't seem to have done anything to stay in touch with OP, support her in the aftermath of that dinner party, or support her when her husband died. She's far from innocent.

yhk · 26/11/2023 23:18

Congrats on beating your BC, OP!

You're completely justified in telling her to fuck herself, however I think you should support her!

Itsbritneybitch22 · 26/11/2023 23:19

Trust your initial instinct and tell her to fuck off

Fraaahnces · 26/11/2023 23:20

I would be so tempted to say “Be careful not to show your scars unless you want to find out who your true friends are.”

whynotwhatknot · 26/11/2023 23:20

but did she ever apologise even to say she was just telling you your top was down

Jewelspun · 26/11/2023 23:20

"I'm sorry but I think you have the wrong person. I have no idea who you are."

Block.

It's more cutting for someone to not be remembered than it is to be told to fuck off.

Pomonas · 26/11/2023 23:23

Do not look back and may be just do not answer anything. You do not owe her and she can find help and support somewhere else.

ClairDeLaLune · 26/11/2023 23:26

OP you need to do what’s right for you, put yourself first. If the thing that is right for you, and for no-one else just for you, is to help her then do that. You said that’s what you want to do, that’s because you’re a lovely and amazing person. You sound like if you don’t help her, in some way it will eat away at you or hang over you, so it may be the best way for you to move on is to help her. But you’d be a better woman than I could ever be if you do.