So, so conflicted....

[Fartooold]

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

no fucking way I’d help her
my reply would be
’when you have cancer you discover who your friends really are. Turns out you weren’t one of them. You are not my friend and I have no interest in helping you. I wish you well. Goodbye.’

Seconded, a genuine friend would have never treated you in this way. One or both could have made the effort to mend fences, particularly after your husband died, but chose not to. I can't believe the cheek of her, she clearly has a very selective memory.

If you want to offer support, I think it's very big of you. Personally, I'm not sure I could.

You said she was asking for advice and support... are you comfortable explaining what exactly she asked for? I'd want to be passive aggressive but I'd also be understanding of how she's feeling right now.

"I am really sorry to hear that X. As far as advice, do you need doctor information? Emotionally speaking, I'm sure you're really struggling right now but I hope you have your close friends and family around you. Really lean on those who are able to be there for you. You are welcome to reach out with any questions and I will help you best I can with that. Unfortunately though, I cannot be there for you emotionally given what happened when we last saw each other but I will be thinking positive for you."

I'd be honest and tell her whilst you wish her well and your instinct is to offer support, after how let down you felt during your treatment then after the incident with your scars, you don't feel your the right person to help.
I'd then maybe tell her some charities you found useful and wish her luck.

although my initial reaction would be to help as it’s such a crap disease, I’d think about the effect of helping her would be on you.
i couldn’t help anyone else as it would be too distressing for me to relive what I went through.
id also be concerned that she will desire a lot if help - and it will cost you in terms of time ,emotion, mental health etc.
I’d also be wondering why I am sharing my very hard won knowledge and time with someone that hasn’t bothered with me.
id also be wondering what the group will be saying to her and how that will play out.
It’s too much crap for what..? To help someone out? There are proper places to do that, you are a friend, (maybe) not a counselor it is not your responsibility.
there are some super replies earlier. I’d be saying similar, mainly, ‘I can’t as it’s too difficult for me. Here’s some places to call’
she will suck you dry. Especially if friends do what they did to you and ignore her..and then when she’s better..what happens exactly?

sykadelic message is perfect!!!

Can you be honest in letting her know you’d like to help but that you were hurt?

I might text back something along the lines of 'I mistook you for a friend some years ago: you mistake me for a friend now. You'll need to seek support elsewhere. I wish you luck with your treatment.' And then block her so you're not lured back into some drama or crappy relationship.

I'm thinking not only that these women were so vile to you then but that you could probably have done with some support when your husband died. They haven't been there for anything that a good friend would support you through, from the sound of it. I really think you owe them nothing and I find the fact that one of them could have contacted you out of the blue looking for help utterly astonishing. It suggests someone with absolutely no shame.

The only person you should be thinking about here is you. I would imagine you're still emotionally vulnerable after all you've been through. If it would help you to support her then, by all means do.

Myself, I'd want to help but I wouldn't do it without talking her through that evening and what came after it and whether I supported her or not would depend on whether I felt that she understood what she had done and regretted it - properly regretted it for your sake, not just hers.

If not then I would be honest with her about how hurt you were and how hurt you still are. Honestly about emotions is very powerful. And then say goodbye

Good luck - you sound like an incredibly strong woman

If you feel you want to help then do so of course, but think carefully about what boundaries you need to keep yourself safe. I might be inclined to say something along the lines of “I’m so sorry to hear your news. I know how devastating a diagnosis it can be and would never deny help to anyone experiencing the same as I’ve been through. I still remember how kind your husband was when he intervened the night that X told me how ugly my scars were, so I know how much the support of others can mean at these difficult times. However, whilst I’m happy to offer my support to you and your husband, I’m also aware of the need to protect myself emotionally, particularly since DH’s death. Therefore, I hope you'll
understand that I have no desire to reconnect with the group, and particularly not with B. Her words have never left me and I was devastated at being ostracised from the group after that difficult evening. Perhaps we could start with a phonecall and I can try to answer any questions you might have about my experience of the treatment pathway. Let me know when would be a good time to speak.”

Just tell her you'll give her the same support she gave you when you were going through it. An occasional text. It's not your circus and not your clown car.

They hurt you and if you wish to give support to newly diagnosed breast cancer patients, I am betting there is a group of survivors that do just that.

People cannot just walk all over someone and hurt them deeply and then come around when they need something. That's not how a decent society works. Had she, at any time, up to her diagnosis, called you and apologized and begged for forgiveness, I'd be more inclined to forgive and move on. But she never, ever did that. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them. Her true colors aren't pretty and it's not your job to ease her fears, give her support when she turned her back on you.

Reply saying
“Sorry to hear that. I know how incredibly difficult it is to go through that and to not have support from first hand experience. Perhaps you could contact a charity for emotional support”.

So, controversial opinion incoming...

I've had pancreatic cancer in the past when I was 28. I always have and probably always will feel the internal pull to help others in the same position, but I struggle with it big time as I have a lot of ptsd.

People who had cancer, as much as it's a wonderful thing to do, aren't obliged to support every other person who gets cancer - it's very, very hard reliving it over and over again.

So, when that person is someone who was incredibly cruel to you, I'm sorry, but they don't deserve the emotional input from you reliving your trauma to help them through theirs. There are plenty of support groups and her specialist nurse can signpost her. She can also have some therapy whilst having treatment.

I'm so sorry you were treated like that at the worst time of your life. My friends ditched me, too, when they realised I couldn't do everything they could anymore. It absolutely broke my heart.

Sending lots of empathy and love ❤️

I had cancer and my friends were pretty useless. It was an awful time. I think you are morally free to do whatever the hell you want. Xxx

I would probably ignore and block.

If I did reply I might say I was sorry to hear she had been ill and that while I wished her all the best in her treatment and recovery, I did not think I was an appropriate person to support her through that given the way our friendship had ended. I'd send a link to a support group or charity maybe. Then block.

She wasn't a good friend at the time of the dinner incident as, even if she wasn't the one who made the awful comments, she did nothing to rectify the situation and seemed to drop the friendship afterwards. She wasn't a good friend after OP's husband died. She is only in contact now because she wants something. OP can feel sorry about her being ill without being dragged back in to an unequal friendship. She will only get dropped again when she has served her purpose most likely.

@Fartooold they behaved despicably to you!! hard neck any of them have expecting you to give them sympathy now that they are suffering the same dreadful disease!! tell her to bugger off!!

In your shoes i think I would offer support superficially/in a light touch way. A few words, that are true and meaningful, pointing her in the direction of bc non-profits that might be helpful. Each bc journey is different, so you also can’t assume hers will be like yours.

Something like “so sorry to hear this. Bc can radically impact all areas of your life, sometimes in the most unexpected ways. I found [insert name of org] really helpful for support, you might appreciate them too. I don’t think I’m fully healed from my own ordeal in all respects. It takes time. I hope you find someone you can lean on, and a support group that feels right for you. I wish you well in your treatment.”

Is there a middle ground where you can offer her the support that she desperately needs at this really hard time, but also mention that when you were at your low she made incredibly unkind remarks and hope that nobody ever makes her feel the way she did you?

She needs help and if you can find it in you then that would be wonderful. But she also needs reminding of the bitch she was. But you are the better person. Remember that.......

Oh, that is perfect!

OP--keep reading this over and over: @Wordsmithery quote:
"The best advice I can give is to choose your friends carefully. You'll find out who your real friends are as they will stick with you and support you."

Finish that statement with, "I wish someone had given me that advice, as I learned the hard way about friendship."

Dear Friend-when-it-suits-you,

I’m very sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis. I’ll give you one piece of advice from the off; you’re going to find out who your friends are and it won’t necessarily be who you think who will end up being supportive. Be prepared for some peculiar and sometimes deeply hurtful responses to your cancer. Be prepared to become persona non grata. These reactions may come from their fear but they are nonetheless wounding. You were present when it happened to me, perhaps you remember (I certainly remember my scars being called ugly by someone I thought was a friend).

Beyond that I have no advice for you as each person’s experience with breast cancer is different but I wish you well and hope you find the support you need among your friends.

Regards
@Fartooold

I have a rare sarcoma and just had surgery. More scars than the bride of frankenstein in some visible places. I wear them proudly as battle scars. I've been ill for several years and lost friends over it. I've had people gasp at my surgical scars, one told me I shouldn't be outside in that state. Another said she was surprised I hadn't killed myself in this state. Strangers ask me what is wrong and that I am brave. I am not brave or strong or a warrior like people say. I have treatment and surgery to save my life so I can raise my family, and I am sure you had treatment because you had to. I reject labels and what people have to say as this is my medical condition, and my experience is unique (as all cancer patients will react and adjust differently). I advise you to direct ex-friend to Macmillan charity for support as you are not obliged to her. She is a user. Dealing with her cancer may bring the trauma of yours back, and all for a friend who was that awful. I avoid others with similar conditions as I like to stay positive, for instance. She will turn this into the biggest 'my cancer is worse than yours' contest, and the old 'you do not understand as you are now better' debate. You owe her nothing and having cancer doesn't make her a better friend. Emotions aside, breast cancer is lots of different diseases so you cannot contribute to her treatment plan as yours might be entirely different in terms of required intervention. A diagnosis of cancer has made me slow down, pause and reflect on how it all happened, and how I should change my life having been served this warning on how lifetime is precious. I suggest you focus on enjoying your time too, and that probably doesn't include flaky friends.

“Hi friend. I’m sure you remember the last night we met and how you all treated me. That was devastating and as a result of that evening I feel I’m not best place to help you. If you need support contact the following charities.”

I would reply

sharon, I am sure you remember the awful comments made to me about my breast cancer the last time we socialised. I am genuinely sorry to hear that you are suffering but I am afraid I can’t get passed the cruelty you displayed towards me that evening.

the block. walk away with your dignity intact.

she is a horrible person. You don’t need to help her - there are lots of support groups she can access.

But is there a reason to continue this chain of negativity beyond mere revenge, which I've never found makes me feels as good as it sounds in the advertising.

Maybe just be nice.

Just ignore, you have no obligation to reply
Sorry, but what goes round, comes round
Happened to me and my children thought I was horrible, no, I needed these ‘friends’ at an awful stage in my life and they hid