So, so conflicted....

[Fartooold]

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

I'd advise her that going through something like this teaches you that some of the people you thought were your friends are utter shitbags.

Fair play with that reply op you're one class act

Give her all the advice, including surrounding herself with strong positive people, then at the end say “But the most important thing to remember in all of this is to never EVER let your top slip down. Don’t want anyone seeing your fucking awful scars now do we?!”

You could offer advice … the advice being don’t tell someone with a BC surgery scar to cover their scar up. Then end the message/email and ignore further contact.

Sorry, your so called friend can go fuck herself. I'm just going through breast cancer myself at the moment, although I've only had a lumpectomy which involved them taking my nipple. Getting your confidence back is hard enough as it is. Your friends should have boosted you and told you, you looked great, not knocking your confidence like that.

YANBU - I'm sure there are lots of people/agencies she can get information from. I hope she realizes how awful she behaved.

My close relative had cancer, and I lost a lot of friends pretty much overnight. I think it was because I was pretty down, and they didn't want to have to deal with it putting a cloud over their lives.

I personally wouldn't even reply- there are plenty of ways she can find the support on her own.

Don’t give her the time of day. You were treated appallingly!! I’m so sorry you went through that.

Ignore it and move on.

Wow! Well done for being brave and standing up for yourself

Well done. Perfect reply.

She’s shown her true colours, she can bog off.

That’s a brilliant reply @Fartooold

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Thanks for making me laugh😁

Send her a link to a breast cancer charity and say “these are good for support, I found my ‘friends’ to be of no support whatsoever when I had cancer”

To everyone else, I honestly don't think there will be any further updates, been radio silence since the 'okay' message.

Really appreciate the support - it made my decision so much easier to come to, thank you!

You owe that woman nothing. I can’t believe they’d say something that cruel about literal survival scars. They can fuck off.

💐

Think you've absolutely done the right thing. If she had grovelled back with a huge apology and 'now I understand what you were going through' it might have been different.

This. I am all for being kind wherever possible but to be so unkind in the first place to you when you were going through a hard time means she is not a nice person and doesn’t deserve your kindness now!!

I can't help thinking that the radio silence absolutely confirms you made the right decision.

You tell her to go fuck herself!

Tell her the best advice you can give her is not to use tops of a certain fabric because if for some reason they slip and she show her scars arseholes will show their very own stupid personality.
And after that you can tell her to fuck off.

I remember your first thread, their behaviour to you was so horrible it stuck in my mind. I’m not normally a vindictive person but I’m kind of glad you have had the opportunity to - even if gently - reject one of the women who were so cruel to you. Can’t believe she had the brass neck to contact you in the first place!

Jesus Christ get rid of that toxic bitch out of your life. You owe her nothing.

You were a heck of a lot nicer than I would have been!