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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So, so conflicted....

397 replies

Fartooold · 26/11/2023 22:04

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

OP posts:
Vinrouge4 · 26/11/2023 22:42

I wouldn’t rush to answer. Think about it for a while. Do you totally want to get involved.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 26/11/2023 22:42

TheWayTheLightFalls · 26/11/2023 22:15

“I’m sure you’ll recall just how supportive you were to me during our last meal out together.”

And block.

This.

I know I would want to offer support. But I also know that I would have been so hurt by the events you describe I wouldn't want to risk being used by these fair weather friends again. What if you put yourself out to help & you just get dropped like a stone? She could have got in touch at any point in the intervening years to say sorry, or ask after you. She didn't, until it was convenient to her. She is not a good person.

Thegoodbadandugly · 26/11/2023 22:43

What they done to you was absolutely appalling, it's up to you to do what you think but I know what I would do.

SemperIdem · 26/11/2023 22:45

Quite aside from the fact they treated you appallingly - having gone through it yourself doesn’t mean you desire to be their therapist.

The audacity of her to contact you requesting support when she had so little empathy for you at the time!

Ignore her.

SavBlancTonight · 26/11/2023 22:47

Wait, so they weren't supportive when you had cancer then, post cancer you re establish your social life with them. One woman is appallingly rude, and just one person steps up. Then afterwards, there is zero contact. Your dh dies and they come to the funeral and now, years later she wants your support??!

Hell no. You don't have to ve rude but I would ignore it or point her to ant charities you found d helpful.

Theunamedcat · 26/11/2023 22:47

Did they show up when your husband died?

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 26/11/2023 22:47

As tempting as it would be to send a scathing message about a key point being realising who your friends are, I think I’d be the same and I’d actually end up wanting to support. You sound really lovely and a genuine person. HOWEVER…I think you have to protect yourself and your own mental health too and I would either go with something like @DirtyDuchess suggestion, or signpost to cancer charities.
And I’m saying this as someone who has had breast cancer and has also experienced the disappearing friends.
I hope you’re doing ok x

TravellingT · 26/11/2023 22:48

I was told this gem before, and I think it applies here:

"Honey, you didn't fight cancer just to live with this shit."

Zepherine · 26/11/2023 22:49

I’d say something along the lines of ‘Sorry, can’t help. I hope you can find some kinder friends than you were to me when I was going through this.’

EvilElsa · 26/11/2023 22:49

I'd just leave it on read and ignore. I wouldn't waste my time telling her off or offering advice. Delete the message and forget about it.

Crochetablanket · 26/11/2023 22:49

I remember your thread too - probably because it was so shocking that people would behave like that.

I would probably be honest and say/text something like

  • ‘I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis and wish you well in your treatment and recovery. To be honest, I didn’t feel you and xxxx were there for me when I needed your support after my own cancer treatment. I found that upsetting and it took me a while to get over it, so for that reason and after such a long time I don’t feel I’m the right person to offer you support right now. ‘

You must do what feels right for you though OP.

MuggleMe · 26/11/2023 22:50

Hmm my gut was to decline and give the details of groups where she might get support. Will you feel like a doormat if you become her support when she's ignored you all this time? How will you feel living it all again through her?

Whydowomendothistothemselves · 26/11/2023 22:51

It would be a hard no from me. Having cancer doesn't turn her into a decent person all of a sudden. The fact that she didn't even try to reach out to you when your husband dies should tell you everything you need to know about her. I'm sure her other bitchy friend will have all sorts of good advice.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 26/11/2023 22:53

I think you posted about this at the time?

TBH, I'll admit that once I'm crossed that's it.

I think I would tell her that I was shocked that she reached out to me, after being so cruel to you in the same position.

Given your experience with her, and the rest of the friendship group, you don't hold out hope that she will have very much support or understanding, so give her the contact number for a breast cancer support charity.

I'm quite upset on your behalf. I couldn't support her at all.

StuartSheehyisBack · 26/11/2023 22:53

I think it all depends on how she has approached you.

Has she apologised for her behaviour, for dropping you, for not being there after your husband died - or has she just gone BAM!! right into asking you for help?

Her words would make all the difference to my decision tbh

WinterDeWinter · 26/11/2023 22:53

@Fartooold I’m sorry you’ve had such a shit time. It sounds as though you are very resilient. You would be very unusual if you were not mulling a devastating response to this woman, and I think you should allow yourself to do so. But you don’t sound like a person who actually wants to send that response.

But there is an alternative to simply falling in with her demands. You can respond authentically, telling her in simple, non-inflammatory language how devastated you were by that incident. You could say that your instinct is to help, but in truth you know you would be betraying yourself if you didn’t tell her how you had been made to feel by her and her friends. You could say that if, after hearing that truth, she still wanted advice or support then you would try your best to help.

I think her response will tell you everything.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 26/11/2023 22:57

I had a very bad divorce over 10 years ago - it was awful. Local friends were lovely and supportive but many were casual (which is fine). We've drifted apart as life moves on. Last year I received a social media message from one of the more casual friends which started "Hi, how are you?" Before the rest of the message I knew it would be a request for help. I have seen this woman in passing perhaps 2-3 times over the last few years (even before COVID). The message was indeed - "I am going through an awful divorce - can you advise me and tell me what to do".

I thought long and hard - like you I wanted to be supportive - but... I replied after a few days to say that I had been on a very long and difficult journey but I was recovering and doing really well. Sadly I felt that supporting her would be very triggering and could upset my recovery. I was not able to do that. She replied OK - and guess what? Never heard another word since. So her interest in me and our "friendship" was selfish. I am so pleased I said No to protect myself. That is my advice to you - put yourself first. It doesn't sound as if you have friendships or group politics to think about. So take your time - you don't need to rush to reply.

Myyearmytime · 26/11/2023 22:57

Hi I also remember your thread and I sorry at how it ended with your freinds.
Why not contact the lady husband and offer him surport .

MrsPerfect12 · 26/11/2023 22:58

You want to help as you're a lovely caring person. She doesn't deserve it you don't need to be back in that toxic environment. They've not even apologised. Ignore.

theduchessofspork · 26/11/2023 22:58

Er no, that was vile.

Just tell her you are hectic right now, but the Hospt will tell her about support groups

It’s not about refusing to help it’s about treating yourself well, and there are plenty of other places she can access support

watcherintherye · 26/11/2023 23:00

I’m a bit confused about her role in the horrible incident at the meal. Was she mentioning your top slipping as a ‘heads up’ thing, initially, and then joined in with the other woman, or did she look the other way when things turned nasty?

In your position, I don’t think I could respond to her without a reference to how badly you were treated, whether or not you end up giving advice etc. You obviously can’t pretend everything’s fine. You need some closure, before moving on. Pp have come up with some good replies letting her know how hurt you were.

AndromacheAstyanax · 26/11/2023 23:01

I’m going to take the less popular view and suggest you offer to help her. She made a deeply hurtful comment to you, but this was some years ago, and her circumstances have changed. Offering to help can be a way of reconciliation, and it also gives you a chance, if you want to, to explain how you felt that evening. She may apologise, and you may even want to renew friendship. Offering to help her doesn’t commit you to anything; it would simply be a generous gesture on your part, to someone who would probably really appreciate it right now.

Dogcatmousecat · 26/11/2023 23:01

Crochetablanket · 26/11/2023 22:49

I remember your thread too - probably because it was so shocking that people would behave like that.

I would probably be honest and say/text something like

  • ‘I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis and wish you well in your treatment and recovery. To be honest, I didn’t feel you and xxxx were there for me when I needed your support after my own cancer treatment. I found that upsetting and it took me a while to get over it, so for that reason and after such a long time I don’t feel I’m the right person to offer you support right now. ‘

You must do what feels right for you though OP.

I agree with this reply. It’s perfect.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/11/2023 23:02

I've had breast cancer and if anybody spoke to me like that, they'd no longer exist in my life at all. If you feel you must do something then point her to resources. Otherwise, she's got a fucking nerve. None of us knows what's around the corner and to be cruel to somebody recovering in the way you were is unforgivable in my book. I hope you're ok Flowers

Zonder · 26/11/2023 23:02

I would be thinking in my head to reply with "My advice is to find friends who don't ditch you because you have cancer" but in reality I would probably just reply with one tip or piece of advice and wish her well.

Although again I'd be tempted to follow that with "and of course you really find out who your true friends are"!

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