So, so conflicted....

[Fartooold]

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

Absolutely fucking yes. People
can be and are so horrible.

Sending love 💕

OP it says SO much about you and what a lovely, kind, empathetic person you must be to even be considering giving the time of day to one of those women...I wouldn't.

Toxic shallow people.
Cut them out of your life.
send her links to support groups. She’s got a brass neck getting back intouch with you again. Or is incredibly insensitive.
Go with your gut.
stop trying to be ‘nice’ we are forced to be, as women, all the time, even if treated badly. Fuck that!

I think you have to work out where you are in your life. The older you get, the less important the scars, the aging, the superficial skin damage. We're lucky if we get old. However, when we are wounded by a comment, it has hit us at our most vulnerable and lasts a lifetime. Do you want to become or be remembered as a go-to cancer guru person? Do you want to re-establish a friendship? Are you just curious about old friends? Could this old acquaintance become needy and drain your time? You haven't got over the pain from that dinner incident - or it wouldn't still rankle. But can old friend in any way help with processing that? And can you in any way help old friend? No.1 question: Do you want to help? No.2 question: Why do you or don't you want to help? We all forgive and respect you for whatever choices you make.

Having had breast cancer myself (double mastectomy, no reconstruction, you can definitely see the radiation damage on my skin sometimes depending on what I am wearing) I would tell her to fuck right off and get support from the people who were happy to join in being nasty to you. It’s a funny one, I had a woman I didn’t know that well contact me when she was diagnosed and I would meet her for a coffee every few weeks through her treatment, now she is done she is no longer in touch but I don’t mind as she was never horrible to me.

Sounds like a really awful experience. My first thought in the recent contact is what is the emotional need for them... is it really about support for their recent diagnosis or is it an opportunity to reconnect / seek forgiveness/ validate that they did not behave crap toward you etc...

There's fantastic support out there. Cancer Card Charity etc...

I don’t think you need people like that women in your life.

I love the response you gave. Supportive yet pointed, and with class.

Yes they would but they also wouldn't stand back and let others verbally abuse her. Even the first woman's husband stepped in and told them how wrong they were. Non of them supported her during her cancer journey. Non of them contacted her to see if she was ok after the last meet up. She met with the first woman's husband. As she said you find out who your real friends are. She's moved on from the fake friends and doesn't want to go back there. She gave her a bit of advice so all said and done.

Well played OP, you dealt with that very gracefully.

@Fartooold you have handled this very well.
Your message was both direct & helpful.

As someone currently undergoing breast cancer treatment, I’ve had chemo etc but got away with a lumpectomy only, I’d be telling in the nicest way to F off, and there’s plenty of online groups on Facebook that can offer her help. No way should someone make you feel like that.

Your reply was spot on. Polite, measured, helpful links and just the slightest sting in the tail?

Tell her to lean on her husband as he was an amazing support to you and your husband when your friends let you down.

Having gone through this surgery myself I'm appalled to hear what they said to you, in fact it made me cry 😢. Be proud of your scars you have fought hard. Tell the lady that you're busy YANBU. Big hugs to you xxxx

Hi. I remeber your post - it is one of the few that stuck in my memory. Sorry for your loss

You've made the right decision. You would never have heard from her again if she hadn't been diagnosed - to me, that says it all. She's not reaching out to you for support she's thinking 'who do I know who can answer all my questions and will be understanding'.

Shocking that she put you in that position IMO. Total cheeky fckery.

It is nonrmalnto feel sad that someone you cared for is going through something so major but it's also OK to be realistic. She chose her own friends and this is what THEY are for - not your responsibility

So happy that you're doing well and in a good place

PS love the last paragraph of your reply

Also, if she had the minutest decency, she would have included an apology or at least regret for everything that happened.

Things are always more complex than they appear. Both your friends probably have psychological issues that they have hidden. And your friend will now be in shock that she has cancer. I believe in forgiveness and if you do support her, it will make her feel much more remorseful and thankful than if you don’t.

This so called friend doesn't deserve your support. I would block her and not look back.

This. Absolutely. I like the quote further up the thread about refusing to be cancer's secretary and think this says it all.
@Amybelle88 . So glad you beat that horrible disease. It took my sister.
Sending love and hugs to you bothxx

Go with your initial reaction

I remember u OP.
There r plenty of support groups online she can go to. U don't need her.
Block her.
It's not mean. She will find support elsewhere, I guarantee it.
Hope u r doing well now x