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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

new baby - expecting help from visitors? (close family)

213 replies

Sailawaygirl · 26/11/2023 14:42

Just need to get this of my chest. baby is 4 weeks old, i'm managing ok most of the times - a few tears at times which i think is too be expected, but im generally quite laid back and enjoying beautiful baba.

My parents live close by and until this week they have been our only visitors to baby (first grandchild so every one very excited). Mum helped by doing our clothes and towel washing in first week - which really helped. Since then I have gone round to them or asked them to pop over to see baby (who they adore obviously). But.....the timing of their visits is always when baby is asleep - which is fine but my dad keeps commenting that he never opens his eyes!! I've explained that he is always awake (and happy awake) in the morning so if they visits between 10 and 12 or about 2pm there is a good chance he will be awake and they can enjoy him looking around and making cute noises. Understandably this would also be a helpful time for me for them to visit as they can mind him while he is awake and so let me get on with a few things i want to do (like get dressed, shower, just have a bit of house tidy up ect). DH is about and holds baby for me and is good at helping, but an extra pair of arms would be helpful for both of us in the morning!
But they keep timing visits or asking us to go round for when baby is asleep !!!! this is the time when i can get on a do things, especially when we go to them!! My uncle and aunty were visiting them yesterday to see baby and staying with my parents but they didnt get there till 3 so baby slept in everyone's arms from 3 - 5.30. when we got home baby was hungry, I was hungry DH was hungry and between us we juggled feeding and doing our food and dishes ect, it was really stressful evening and i couldnt help feeling resentful that long afternoon nap time had been 'wasted' as we try and prep dinner, get stuff done or have a bit of time to our selves when he is sleeping.
I said they could visit us today and again said morning is best , mum said they were going to have a slow morning - i said no problem just call after b/fast and i will let you if now is a good time for a visit. Any way - no phone call this morning - baby was awake and happy all morning so i called them at 1230 only to find that they were walking round local town!! they arrived at ours literally 10mins after baby was asleep!! i still wasnt dressed, hadn't had time to have lunch ect. they left after 30 mins because looking at a sleeping baby is a bit boring!!! no one offered to help me with anything (apart from washing but we are on top of that now). As soon as they left i just started to cry, im hungry, thirsty, want a wash and would really like to go for walk before it goes dark, but baby is now awake and wants feeding so i wont get my walk in now. I've explained to my mum that baby has the normal 'fuss' period in evening which we have found hard to manage at times, but her response is just - oh bless' and nothing practical that might help or even a more genuine 'there there'. I wish we hadnt arranged to see them or my aunty/uncle this weekend.

OP posts:
Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 26/11/2023 14:45

Where's your DH in all of this, why can't he take the baby while you get washed, dressed etc

DustyLee123 · 26/11/2023 14:45

You said that this morning was best for a visit, they said they were having a slow morning ie not visiting in the morning.
You need to tell them when to visit, get it confirmed.

DustyLee123 · 26/11/2023 14:46

And you could have had a shower and made food while they watched baby, no need for you to entertain them.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/11/2023 14:47

I think it’s fine to say “no visits between x and y time” and mean it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/11/2023 14:48

DustyLee123 · 26/11/2023 14:46

And you could have had a shower and made food while they watched baby, no need for you to entertain them.

But this is also true - no need to stand on ceremony with family!

CleverClogg · 26/11/2023 14:48

sorry, but a 4 week old baby cannot prevent you getting washed and dressed and cooking food!

arethereanyleftatall · 26/11/2023 14:51

Have you been checked by a doctor op - maybe I'm wrong but I don't think 'a few tears at times' is to be expected at all.

Also, are you and your dh cooking gourmet meals that take hours of prep? Maybe just leave off that always and if you're all hungry, just have egg and beans on toast and wash up later.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 26/11/2023 14:53

Just let them know best time to visit . A Do Not Disturb sign on the door after that. And don't answer... Switch off your phone.. Won't happen more than once or twice. Keep the door locked..

friendsfiend · 26/11/2023 14:54

@Sailawaygirl tell them what you need/when you're available for a visit. No need to be coy and skirt around it.

Come between x and x. Later won't work.

If you want to come at lunchtime could you bring something with you for Lunch.

Be straight and clear and hopefully they'll go with it.

Caggers · 26/11/2023 14:54

DH… holds baby for me and is good at helping

You're expecting more of visitors than you are of your own husband. That’s your issue.

Sort out whatever is preventing him from equally parenting the baby, and you’ll be much less stressed.

justsayso · 26/11/2023 14:56

I'm on your side OP 3 week old here and they really do take over! Yes to just wanting a shower and a walk as well, you'd think visitors would be a bit more flexible and understanding but apparently once your baby rearing years are behind you, you also lose your empathy as well! My parents, god love them, seem to like telling me when they will arrive and then turning up late! And haven't yet put the kettle on or done the pots. I'd be mortified if that were my friend and would pack them off to the bathroom whilst I pulled on the rubber gloves. I hear you Op!

MsSquiz · 26/11/2023 14:56

Can't you pop the baby in his pram and go for a walk?
Get DH to keep an eye on him while you shower or get dressed or eat.
Ask your parents to keep an eye on him while he sleeps so you can shower/get dressed/eat

I don't understand this juggling when you were all hungry. Surely you feed baby (if breast feeding) while DH makes you and him something to eat and you eat while feeding baby? Or if bottle feeding, the other way round?

Why are you letting others dictate when they visit you? You say "morning is best" they say "can't do it for x, y, z reason" you say "ok, no bother"
You're all hungry, leave your parent's house and say you need to sort dinner out.
You seem to be expecting a lot from your parents and your baby is only 4 weeks old and has 2 parents...

DustyLee123 · 26/11/2023 14:57

DH is about and holds baby for me and is good at helping, but an extra pair of arms would be helpful for both of us in the morning

Why do you need 3 people in the morning, I assume you’re not going to work? You can get a shower/eat/put a wash on while baby sleeps, and sometimes you let them cry while you quickly do it.

ScattieHattie1 · 26/11/2023 14:58

I mean this kindly, but YABVU here. A newborn sleeps most of the time so you can't be thinking you can arrange visits around their waking hours. As a grown up I wouldnt expect help off anyone, it's a fine line between someone offering help and them getting their heads bitten off for overstepping. Honestly you sound tired and weepy which is totally understandable by the way, but you can't put this on your family.

Cosyblankets · 26/11/2023 14:58

He's not helping you by holding his own baby it's his child too

oldfatandreadyforarevamp · 26/11/2023 15:00

Why can't you get a wash while your DH holds the baby and why can't he prep dinner or lunch

Finishingoff · 26/11/2023 15:00

CleverClogg · 26/11/2023 14:48

sorry, but a 4 week old baby cannot prevent you getting washed and dressed and cooking food!

^ this ^

rainbowunicorn · 26/11/2023 15:08

Put baby in bouncy chair, take to bathroom, shower. It's really not as difficult as you are making it out to be.
Baby can cry for couple of mins if need be.
Keep meals simple, get DH to make something and then eat while you feed.
Put baby in pram and go for walk as a family or just you and baby whatever you like.
Baby does not need to be held every waking moment. Pop them in moses basket or bouncy chair in same room as you and just get on with stuff.
Chat away to them as you move about.
I dont understand the whole not having time for lunch. A sandwich takes literally 2 mins to make, some soup heated up less than 5 mins.

Humbugg · 26/11/2023 15:08

I think if you focus on getting dressed and feeding yourself in the morning then you can walk baby in the afternoon - he can nap in the pram and you get a walk outside.

as for parents, if they can’t come in the morning then say ‘okay that’s fine see you another time/another day’ and don’t have them over when it doesn’t suit you. They sound more hassle than help so don’t have them over as much. Get yourself sorted :)

KThnxBye · 26/11/2023 15:09

It can be difficult when everything is new. But people don’t lose empathy when they are past the baby stage, in many cases they are remembering how easy and straightforward the baby stage was. It’s hard to imagine, when you are juggling full time work, a screaming baby, a tantrumming toddler, coaching children through homework, arguing with a furious teenager, and caring for elderly parents all at the same time. When you haven’t slept through the night in years, have one waking at the crack of dawn and one who doesn’t go to bed until after midnight.

As you go, you get more skills to manage it. Feeding the baby whilst doing other things is a good one to try. Going for a walk and feeding baby at the same time gets everyone’s needs met and the DH can cook the dinner for when you get in. Most household tasks can be done by keeping baby with you, in arms, in the carrier, nearby in a bouncer etc. This works until they can move independently.

Sleep deprivation is very hard, but you do settle into it and after a few years you don’t know what to do with yourself if they sleep and you find yourself waking anyway.

Ponoka7 · 26/11/2023 15:09

Be honest with your Mum. Stop the afternoon visiting. Stop viewing your DH as helping, he's doing his share. When they visit leave them to it and do whatever you need to. Before visiting you both should have worked out what would be for tea and have something easy or batch cooked. It's very early days. You are all getting used to the change, but put boundaries in that suit you.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/11/2023 15:12

Next time they ignore your preference to morning visits and they ask at 3pm to come round say no it's not convenient.
They will either get the message and change or not visit as much.
You are a mum with a newborn, you get to decide what your routine is and people can fit it in or not, stop being passive and assert yourself.

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/11/2023 15:14

Why are you expecting more from visitors than your own husband?

DH doesn't hold the baby 'for you', he/she is also DH's baby. He isn't helping you either, he should be just as much a parent as you are when he's home.

If DH is around, give him the baby and go for a wash/shower/grab something to eat. If DH isn't around, pop baby in the bouncer and baby can wait when you have a wash or something to eat.

Quickquestion10 · 26/11/2023 15:16

I think some people on this thread have forgotten how overwhelming it can be to have a new baby. It absolutely can be hard to find time for a shower and food prep when you're sleep deprived and of course you want to use that precious time while baby is asleep to get things done.

My advice to you is to state exactly when you want your visitors to come and not come. Also, if they do arrive when you have things to do or are planning a walk, just calmly explain what you need to do and carry on doing it. If necessary, say it's important for your mental health because that's true.

If you want your mum to help in specific ways, I would just flat out ask her. Otherwise she may not know.

GrannypantsMagee · 26/11/2023 15:21

Quickquestion10 · 26/11/2023 15:16

I think some people on this thread have forgotten how overwhelming it can be to have a new baby. It absolutely can be hard to find time for a shower and food prep when you're sleep deprived and of course you want to use that precious time while baby is asleep to get things done.

My advice to you is to state exactly when you want your visitors to come and not come. Also, if they do arrive when you have things to do or are planning a walk, just calmly explain what you need to do and carry on doing it. If necessary, say it's important for your mental health because that's true.

If you want your mum to help in specific ways, I would just flat out ask her. Otherwise she may not know.

I was going to reply @Sailawaygirl but exactly this