new baby - expecting help from visitors? (close family)

[Sailawaygirl]

Just need to get this of my chest. baby is 4 weeks old, i'm managing ok most of the times - a few tears at times which i think is too be expected, but im generally quite laid back and enjoying beautiful baba.

My parents live close by and until this week they have been our only visitors to baby (first grandchild so every one very excited). Mum helped by doing our clothes and towel washing in first week - which really helped. Since then I have gone round to them or asked them to pop over to see baby (who they adore obviously). But.....the timing of their visits is always when baby is asleep - which is fine but my dad keeps commenting that he never opens his eyes!! I've explained that he is always awake (and happy awake) in the morning so if they visits between 10 and 12 or about 2pm there is a good chance he will be awake and they can enjoy him looking around and making cute noises. Understandably this would also be a helpful time for me for them to visit as they can mind him while he is awake and so let me get on with a few things i want to do (like get dressed, shower, just have a bit of house tidy up ect). DH is about and holds baby for me and is good at helping, but an extra pair of arms would be helpful for both of us in the morning!
But they keep timing visits or asking us to go round for when baby is asleep !!!! this is the time when i can get on a do things, especially when we go to them!! My uncle and aunty were visiting them yesterday to see baby and staying with my parents but they didnt get there till 3 so baby slept in everyone's arms from 3 - 5.30. when we got home baby was hungry, I was hungry DH was hungry and between us we juggled feeding and doing our food and dishes ect, it was really stressful evening and i couldnt help feeling resentful that long afternoon nap time had been 'wasted' as we try and prep dinner, get stuff done or have a bit of time to our selves when he is sleeping.
I said they could visit us today and again said morning is best , mum said they were going to have a slow morning - i said no problem just call after b/fast and i will let you if now is a good time for a visit. Any way - no phone call this morning - baby was awake and happy all morning so i called them at 1230 only to find that they were walking round local town!! they arrived at ours literally 10mins after baby was asleep!! i still wasnt dressed, hadn't had time to have lunch ect. they left after 30 mins because looking at a sleeping baby is a bit boring!!! no one offered to help me with anything (apart from washing but we are on top of that now). As soon as they left i just started to cry, im hungry, thirsty, want a wash and would really like to go for walk before it goes dark, but baby is now awake and wants feeding so i wont get my walk in now. I've explained to my mum that baby has the normal 'fuss' period in evening which we have found hard to manage at times, but her response is just - oh bless' and nothing practical that might help or even a more genuine 'there there'. I wish we hadnt arranged to see them or my aunty/uncle this weekend.

I may be massively projecting here, but OP's description of being very independent and not relying on her parents (to the point she didn't tell them about her miscarriage) makes me wonder how they were during her childhood? Were they very supportive, or were they mostly concerned about themselves to the point that you learnt that if you wanted to do something, you had to do it yourself?

If that's the case, then it's likely that you are hoping that you having a child will magically change your lacking-during-your-own-childhood parents to wonderful grandparents (that you read about on MN and some of your friends probably have). I'm very sorry to tell you that this is very unlikely to happen.

It's best that you set your own boundaries clearly "come between 10 and 12, and I won't be visiting in the afternoon as I'm still adjusting to parenthood, but I'm happy to have visitors then" (or whatever) and then if your parents do step up and do something useful then consider it a bonus.
I do find it telling that the only "useful" thing they have done is the washing (so, they put the washing in the machine??) whereas they have created stress and extra hassle for you by their refusing to listen to you/agonising of aunt and uncle visit etc.

Your husband

You need to let you DH "panic" and work it out. I really really recommend you do this NOW the sooner he gets with the program and is confident handling the baby the better.

Your parents

With your parents the bit that would irritate me is the complaints about the baby not being awake to entertain your dad. If they are having a "slow morning" I'd say "no probs! I have afternoon plans you can come tomorrow at X in the morning instead"

I’m not getting this why you would not just have a shower when baby sleeping or hubby home why it needs to be when your parents are looking after baby. But I have twins so your life looks wonderfully chilled to me. Congrats on baby.

I could never predict when my newborn would sleep so there was no point in having set times to rule in or out. Only when we wanted rest.

Having someone other than DH to watch DC whilst you do basic self care sounds great, not a luxury I ever had so I think sometimes it's best to lower your expectations. You soon realise who you can rely on for support when you become a parent.

Don't clam up and make it all or nothing - I know it's easy to revert to when you're used to hyper independence (me too!).

It sound to me as if you haven't yet tried putting things in plain English and making your request specific, and boundaries totally clear.

"Mum - you want to see baby when he is awake, and I really would love the chance for somebody else to occupy him for 20 minutes while I have a shower. Would you like to come over at 10am tomorrow morning?"

"Oh I'm sorry he's napping and I have so much to do, let's leave it for today, why not come over tomorrow morning instead, shall we say 11am?

When you're visiting your parents in the afternoon and baby is asleep, say to them "here you go, he's all yours for a cuddle. I'm just going to pop to use your shower if that's OK, I haven't had a movie to myself yet!" (Assuming you and your parents have that sort of relationship)

"Oh, you're here this afternoon, it's lovely to see you! Come into the kitchen for a cuddle with little one so i can chat to you while I'm prepping dinner for tonight!"

"It's so nice to see you both, I'm going to pop to the loo, dad why don't you put the kettle on and make us all drinks then we can all sit down and have a catch up together"

"Lovely to see you this afternoon, here, you have cuddles while I run the duster over the house and have a quick tidy up of the kitchen. Come follow me so we can catch up while I'm doing it - if you want a brew do help yourself!"

Normalise just getting on with daily life with your parents around. The more you do it the more normal and natural it is for you and for them.

It's like this most of the time. I think cause we were expecting visit in morning and baby didnt sleep so well last night I altered my morning routine a bit and was expecting them to come earlier ( as I thought we had agreed)

I think when you have your first baby there is this weird change in 'roles'.
So before you had a baby you were your mother's 'baby' and could rely on her to help you out with stuff.

Now she is not picking up on your remarks about how difficult things are.
If you need help you'll have to actually ask.

There's no point trying to drop hints and stuff to manipulate their visits so they are at the times you find difficult.

There's not much information in 'god I'm exhausted!' or 'god I only got 3 hrs sleep last night she was awake at 4am and didn't go back to sleep!!'
Then all your mum responds to stick up for the baby and says 'ah she's only a baby they all do that'.
And grr that's so annoying for you.

Because it seems like part of you expects your Mum to step in when things are difficult and that sort of 'if she really cared about me she'd realise'.

So then when she's not picking up on stuff, you are taking that as her not caring and that you are left all alone to manage.

Having a first baby is so hard.
Yes, crying every day. I knew after about 6 weeks that maybe I was starting to cope because I'd only cried once a day. Usually around 5pm for some reason it would all come crashing down.

If you aren't out of your dressing gown by 3pm you might as well stay in it!

I had a winter baby too and the day went so fast in a kind of horrible way until it was 8pm and time for you and the baby to 'pretend' to go to bed for the night.
Knowing full well you'd both be awake again at 9.30pm 😭

Hang in there, every week it'll get better.

Thank you for all your comments. Head is a bit more straight and defo going to find my big lady pants! I've left baby with DH while I have been reading this and I'm on my walk ( well sat in car as its dark now). I'm sure it will be fine when get home.

Reading back I do seem a bit of a princess! And don't think that's me normally, so i think i just had an hungry/ angry wobble this afternoon. But I'm big enough to know when I'm hungry and make my own lunch!!!

I had 3 under 3
DH away weeks at a time ,and no family near to help
A routine saved me ,baby was in bed by 7 pm at night after a bath ,had fresh air in the pram every day ,and a feed at 11/12 at night ,which got them through the night very quickly.
I didn't have time for tears or demands of when people visited , because there was noone to visit

@Sailawaygirl family support is not that common, what you read on MN is only a tiny %. For most it is just mum and dad and in some cases just mum and very rare just dad. You waiting around for your parents is causing more and added stress. This is the time you need to enjoy your newborn, it’s hard but with extra unhelpful people around it makes it worse. Tell your parents you and DH need to be alone with the baby for a few weeks and figure out a rhythm. Tell them you will call when you WANT (not need) them over.

So many things about your life is different OP. And don't underestimate the fact that this includes your hormones being all over the show. Feeling emotional and unreasonable is to be expected.

You're going to be just fine xxx

Yes absolutely!!! As I said in the paragraph below, he's parenting, not 'helping'!! It's common that a new baby illuminates disparities in that side of a relationship, and OP needs to get him to step up if he's not doing his fair share.

Me too. Some people on here are being absolutely horrible to a new mum on a parenting website.

I remember taking ages to get things done and seemingly never sat down even when my first baby was sleeping because he took ages feeding, was awake a lot of the night and I was sleep deprived and when he was asleep I was catching up with stuff. With my second baby I was much, much more efficient but I still remembered what it felt like to find it hard to get out of the house before lunchtime. With the second one I was out the door by 8.30 with no problem.

OP maybe your mum is like the vipers people on MN who have the idea that they sailed through everything (very often they had a lot of help or very easy babies!). Anyway, just be more assertive: say when they should come round and tell them if they leave it for other times you'll be getting on with other stuff so won't be able to chat. If you need some practical support then ask for it - I would also say that some people on here moan about their parents/ILs etc taking over so it might be that your mum doesn't want to be accused of interfering.

It will get better, honestly, but take all the help you can get in the meantime.

I'm sorry you are getting such harsh replies. The first few weeks with a baby can be very intense and some babies are more intense than others. It will get easier.
I don't think you are being a princess at all.

Although perhaps you need to be more obvious with your parents - are you more hinting than being specific - i.e. "yes please come in the morning. I don't want visitors after 12 as we find that is nap time?"
Although I've found I have to accept that my parents will help me in some ways but not always in all the ways Id like - and I think it's just how they are.

Have to admit I've never really understood the whole "I can't get dressed or have a shower" when you have a newborn....they literally stay in one place doing very little 🤔 (mum of twins here) getting dressed is a 2 minute job - shower a few minutes more.

It's frustrating I'm sure that your visitors don't come when you would like them to but everything else you are being a bit precious on sorry

I have a 5 week old and I'm a bit on the fence here.

Yes, I definitely get itchy feet when visitors come over when it's time I could be spending getting on with my routine, especially that for us, our baby naps in arms so easily that often we 'waste' her evening nap on family and she starts screaming the minute they leave - and we've not had tea because people have been round from 5-8ish

However, my husband and I have a firm routine first thing in the morning that he takes baby while I shower and get ready, then I take over so he can do the same before work. This routine starts between 5/6am but without it we'd be fucked. This is also on top of dealing with external caring duties to close family members and an immediate family bereavement 3 weeks PP.

Kindly, it's nobody else's responsibility to help you get on top of things - if they do, that's amazing and I certainly would offer this help to family, but I know from experience that people do want to be entertained and its your job to say no if it doesn't work for you.

Babies are different and some are more needy than others and hate to be put down anywhere. Plus some new mother's hormones are all over the place.
You don't need to understand as such if it wasn't your experience but why be so judgemental and call someone precious?

Oh yes they can

Not being able to do what you want when you want is a big change.

I couldn't have stood not having a shower every day.

So I'd often shower whilst husband was having breakfast for example.

A lot of the time was sleeping when they did though!

So it might have been a quick hoover/put laundry on when they first went off & then I would join them.

The newborn stage is far easier then toddler stage. Plus if you have another with oldest a toddler that's very challenging. I always found with my first I'd have a shower by putting baby in a baby chair in the bathroom with me.
I say this kindly as a mother of two.
And trust me now teenagers it's challenging too but lovely

My baby would never just lie there happily while I got on with stuff. If she was awake, she demanded to be held.

Now I'm more clear headed I think I was holding out for visit so I had an excuse to alow my mum in ( open our relationship a bit) and alow her to help by watching baby while I showered. This didn't happen so I feel let down. My mum prob has no idea. She is a lovely lady and very mothering to other ppl. Eg if one of her neibours had had a baby she would be cooking soup for them everyday! With me if in the past if I say I'm in need of help especially emotionally she passess the phone straight to my dad and asks him to ' deal with me'.
I do understand I am lucky to have 2 parents and stable upbringing ect.

When we dh baby and me are on own things seem much smoother. I need to stop being a ppl pleaser to some extent.
And yes life would be easier without visitors right now!

Bless you. This is such a sweet response. You sound really nice. ☺️
4 weeks can be really hard. But everything is a phase. This too shall pass.
Have a lovely evening.

However be kind to yourself. Life I bet feels totally overwhelming and it's changed massively. But it doesn't need to feel massively changed- don't stress go with the flow. Reduce visitors if it's stressing you out.

It really depends on the child. For me the newborn stage was horrendous, I could barely even get washed and dressed, but the toddler stage waaay easier. I would choose the toddler stage any day over the newborn stage.

I thought it was common knowledge that ot varies from child to child.