new baby - expecting help from visitors? (close family)

[Sailawaygirl]

Just need to get this of my chest. baby is 4 weeks old, i'm managing ok most of the times - a few tears at times which i think is too be expected, but im generally quite laid back and enjoying beautiful baba.

My parents live close by and until this week they have been our only visitors to baby (first grandchild so every one very excited). Mum helped by doing our clothes and towel washing in first week - which really helped. Since then I have gone round to them or asked them to pop over to see baby (who they adore obviously). But.....the timing of their visits is always when baby is asleep - which is fine but my dad keeps commenting that he never opens his eyes!! I've explained that he is always awake (and happy awake) in the morning so if they visits between 10 and 12 or about 2pm there is a good chance he will be awake and they can enjoy him looking around and making cute noises. Understandably this would also be a helpful time for me for them to visit as they can mind him while he is awake and so let me get on with a few things i want to do (like get dressed, shower, just have a bit of house tidy up ect). DH is about and holds baby for me and is good at helping, but an extra pair of arms would be helpful for both of us in the morning!
But they keep timing visits or asking us to go round for when baby is asleep !!!! this is the time when i can get on a do things, especially when we go to them!! My uncle and aunty were visiting them yesterday to see baby and staying with my parents but they didnt get there till 3 so baby slept in everyone's arms from 3 - 5.30. when we got home baby was hungry, I was hungry DH was hungry and between us we juggled feeding and doing our food and dishes ect, it was really stressful evening and i couldnt help feeling resentful that long afternoon nap time had been 'wasted' as we try and prep dinner, get stuff done or have a bit of time to our selves when he is sleeping.
I said they could visit us today and again said morning is best , mum said they were going to have a slow morning - i said no problem just call after b/fast and i will let you if now is a good time for a visit. Any way - no phone call this morning - baby was awake and happy all morning so i called them at 1230 only to find that they were walking round local town!! they arrived at ours literally 10mins after baby was asleep!! i still wasnt dressed, hadn't had time to have lunch ect. they left after 30 mins because looking at a sleeping baby is a bit boring!!! no one offered to help me with anything (apart from washing but we are on top of that now). As soon as they left i just started to cry, im hungry, thirsty, want a wash and would really like to go for walk before it goes dark, but baby is now awake and wants feeding so i wont get my walk in now. I've explained to my mum that baby has the normal 'fuss' period in evening which we have found hard to manage at times, but her response is just - oh bless' and nothing practical that might help or even a more genuine 'there there'. I wish we hadnt arranged to see them or my aunty/uncle this weekend.

I think you're getting a rough ride here.

Of course YANBU to expect help from your parents when you have a newborn. Please ask them for what you need - they might not realise.

It is a huge adjustment when you have a baby, especially your first. It is easy to forget that as your children get older. Oh, and a few tears here and there are completely normal, as you say.

I think you should just be firmer and give them times when they can come. They are clearly running to their own timetable without considering you.
I also think you do not need to go over and see them. Let them come to you. I know in the first few months of my grandchildren’s lives, my husband I were the ones doing the travelling. Yes we helped when we got there too.

But the husband is in the house? It says in the op. So the op can have a shower whenever she wants except when she's breastfeeding.

@justsayso Tthank you for getting it too! But sorry you are in the same situation. Thing is I thought I had been quite clear for them to come in the morning.

I'm surprised by the critics tbh? But will suck it up and put on my big girl pants. I like to cook, dp can cook as well but I prefer my meals!! We managed ok last night although and I did use the visit this morning to get dressed. DH went to tesco and to run an erand which is why he didn't cook me lunch.

My DS isn't even 1 yet, I absolutely remember what it's like to have a new baby. If I wanted a shower, I did exactly what I said above with the bouncer.

I think it's fine to TELL them when it's a suitable time to visit, not just vaguely suggest it.

It wouldn't offend me at all if someone said "come between 10-12, as he will be sleeping after one and I've got loads to catch up on".

I think you should just be much more strict about what you want. Give up on expecting them to take the hint. "You're welcome to come at 10 or 2. We're busy from 12 till 2. Looking forward to seeing you"

I'm confused, you said you weren't dressed when they arrived at 12.30?

Anyway. best you get used to your DH cooking a bit, and make sure you take the time to get a shower and get dressed when he is around, or stick the baby in a bouncer while you do.

4 weeks in is such a chaotic time. You're still finding your feet. This time will pass. You'll find ways of managing and you'll become more assertive with your time.

As pp said, shower with baby in a bouncer in the room with you. I was still bunging fish fingers and chips/frozen leftovers in the oven at this stage and often eating with one hand while I fed baby. It does get easier, I promise.

I wouldn't dwell too much on family and their complaints about baby being asleep. Newborns are always sleeping! They'll get their time to see baby rolling around and interacting.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in the slightest. If you were my daughter or daughter in law, I’d be straight round to help in whatever way you wanted. However, as this isn’t happening, I’d ask your Mum for specific help and explain again which times are best for you. You’re adjusting to life as a new Mum. Ignore the mean comments on here.

when we got home baby was hungry, I was hungry DH was hungry and between us we juggled feeding and doing our food and dishes ect, it was really stressful evening and i couldnt help feeling resentful that long afternoon nap time had been 'wasted' as we try and prep dinner, get stuff done or have a bit of time to our selves when he is sleeping.

I’m sorry but you and DH both sound ridiculous.

How did you cope before having a baby?

Surely in this instance one of you would feed the baby, whilst the other made you both dinner.
Then after dinner one of you holds the baby, whilst the other washes the dishes.

How is making dinner and eating it stressful when there are 2 of you?

Your family do not need to help you with chores.
You and DH are adults and are capable of taking in turns and getting them done.

You could have a shower in the morning before DH goes to work or have one when your parents come over.
You can get changed and do everything else whilst baby is awake.

Tell your family members that they can only come between x-y as you are busy the rest of the day.
If they come at a different time, then don’t answer the door or say you’re busy or just remind them that you’ve told them to come between a certain time.

If you tell them to come a certain time and they turn up a different time when baby is asleep, then tell them that it’s their fault for not coming at the time you said.

Ultimately, if they don’t want to listen then they’re risking not seeing the baby awake.
They can still watch the baby whilst you have a shower.

Slow monring for my parents means they are not getting up early so I said perfect just come to us when you are ready in the morning. Which is why I was surprised that they obviously got up and went out to walk round town park for over 2hrs instead of coming round to us.

I get that it’s all new and a juggle when you have a new baby but I do think you are making things harder than they need to be. Get up in the morning, have a shower(baby in the bathroom or in his crib or with DH) and get dressed, get out for a walk and see your parents when it is convenient to you. You just have to get on with it and find your way.

Perhaps folks could show a little more empathy? I’m glad you all had it sorted and nailed within 3 weeks but if you still haven’t recovered from the birth, are new to the parenting thing and are struggling, the put downs on here are not helping.
@Nowherenew and @SouthLondonMum22 looking at you.

Why couldn’t your husband ‘hold the baby’ this morning whilst you showered? Why couldn’t you jump in the shower when they arrived this afternoon whilst baby was sleeping? They probably would’ve stayed longer whilst you were getting sorted. I don’t think you can expect people to change their plans to suit you.

Have you got a bouncer/rocker chair, take it into the bathroom with you and put baby in that whilst you shower (or even the car seat it’ll only be for 10 minutes), I used to do this with both of mine, when I had the second I’d have the toddler sat on the bathroom floor with a colouring book and crayons and baby in the bouncer, it was the only way I could get a shower. Have you got a sling? Put baby in a sling whilst you make some lunch, cook, have a tidy round or do whatever else you need to do, that way they’re being held and you’re getting stuff done.

it will get easier with time. 12 weeks was a turning point with both of mine which will seem a long way away but will fly by.

Stop being so vague. "Come on Tuesday from 10-11. That works best for our routine."

Oh away you go. From the OPs post both her and her DH need to get their act together and stop trying to rely on family. It’s absolutely ridiculous that they couldn’t prepare a meal and deal with a baby at the same time. One person sorts the baby and the other does the meal and dishes.

How is making dinner stressful?
It doesn’t take 2 people to make dinner.

Surely they made dinner before the baby came along, so why can’t they do the same now.

Why would someone be resentful that they had the ‘stress’ of having to make and eat dinner for themselves - something that every other adult has to do.

I really struggled as a first time parent.
But that’s because I was a teenager, with no partner or no family support.
So making dinner or having a shower was a struggle to try and juggle everything but OP does not have these struggles.

She can literally get DH to hold the baby whilst she has a shower or make dinner.
She can also do these things whilst her parents are there, even if the baby is asleep.

It’s one thing to struggle with adjusting to life with a new baby.
Its a completely other thing to be annoyed at your family members for not helping you out enough.

Sorry people are being dismissive OP. It's hard when it's so early with your first.

I'd see if you can work out some sort of routine with your DH which will allow you to get washed and dressed. You can try the bouncer thing too. If you want to go for a walk, you could try a sling?

Re your parents, if them coming when baby is sleeping in the afternoon is annoying for you, you'll have to say no. Its hard but sometimes you have to put yourselves first. Or tell them 'yep come over but as I said baby will be sleeping so you can watch them while I get on with a few things'.

I think people have forgotten what a big adjustment it is to have your first child - and are also forgetting that some people have a rougher ride in terms of their recovery from labour or their baby's temperament. I was severely anaemic after a haemorrhage and my first baby simply wouldn't be put down. Being anaemic made me wobbly and low and the baby screaming for 5 minutes while I showered just wasn't something I could handle, and the baby was a puker so everything was covered in vom. My husband and I were eating at 11pm, we had no clean muslins etc. So OP, don't beat yourself up about not being showered/dressed/fed, that is very common and totally normal. You will get into the swing of it and things will get easier.

As per previous posts, spell out what you need from your parents - please come at x time and bring us a meal. Please unload the dishwasher while baby sleeps so I can have a shower instead. Etc

Also, make things VERY easy for yourself. Ready meal lasagne and bagged salad, cheese omelette and peas - you have plenty of time to eat more nutritiously later on. Tell husband he needs to pick up more of the housework - he is not 'helping with the baby, he's doing his share of the adulting. That's a really important thing to hammer home now, because it's very hard to change that mindset once it's entrenched.

if the issue is you going to theirs then surely you only go if the time suits you. Decide when you want to go, tell them that’s when you will go and if they say it doesn’t work then just don’t go.
If they come at a time that doesn’t suit then just let them watch the sleeping baby and get on with what you need to.

Really interesting to see the spilt in opinions here!

I'm an only child ( grown up obs 😂) and I'm normally very independent and never ask for help so being open for help after baby is actually quite challenging for me but I thought my normal being stubborn and not letting people help me wasn't the best solution. Maybe I should revert back. For example my parents have no idea i had a miscarriage last year ( I just lied to them and said I was still going to work). I also had long covid and struggled lots with basic life and carying on at work for 2 ish years again masked this completely from parents. DH stepped up lots to support me. In hindsight my stubborn independence was not helpful to me.

On the other hand I see others and read lots threads on mums net where a women seems to get lots of help from her parents and family so I didn't think i was expecting anything too much. And my parents stress and phone me lots about timing of potential visits and then seem to ignore everything we agreed! E.g she called 3 nights in row to discuss my uncle and anuty coming over for this visit !!

I do accept I need to allow DH to do more. We tried bottle for first time this morning but baba wasn't too keen! DH seems to stress more about baby than me so I find it easier for me to take him. He seems to panic more if there is unsettled baby noises and DH struggles if there is proper crying at nappy changes. He takes baby out in sling to calm him in morning. I am also aware that he is struggling with work atm and does need some alone time for his own mental health. No point in both of us in tears!

It isn't a put down to point out that OP has higher expectations of visitors than her own husband.

I also don't see how it's a put down to suggest using a bouncer and getting a shower or giving baby to DH and getting one either.

They've probably forgotten how it is to have a new baby op and are a bit stuck in their own rputine and timetable. Just be a bit firmer about what works for you, you're the one who's had the baby so whilst you are removing and finding your way they need to work around you or at least compromise.
Give the exact times they can come and also prioritise your shower after baby has had the morning feed then get your walk in.

Your baby's father struggles if his baby cries when he changes his nappy?
I think the posters being 'mean' (not mean) have actually nailed the actual problem here - your husband.