new baby - expecting help from visitors? (close family)

[Sailawaygirl]

Just need to get this of my chest. baby is 4 weeks old, i'm managing ok most of the times - a few tears at times which i think is too be expected, but im generally quite laid back and enjoying beautiful baba.

My parents live close by and until this week they have been our only visitors to baby (first grandchild so every one very excited). Mum helped by doing our clothes and towel washing in first week - which really helped. Since then I have gone round to them or asked them to pop over to see baby (who they adore obviously). But.....the timing of their visits is always when baby is asleep - which is fine but my dad keeps commenting that he never opens his eyes!! I've explained that he is always awake (and happy awake) in the morning so if they visits between 10 and 12 or about 2pm there is a good chance he will be awake and they can enjoy him looking around and making cute noises. Understandably this would also be a helpful time for me for them to visit as they can mind him while he is awake and so let me get on with a few things i want to do (like get dressed, shower, just have a bit of house tidy up ect). DH is about and holds baby for me and is good at helping, but an extra pair of arms would be helpful for both of us in the morning!
But they keep timing visits or asking us to go round for when baby is asleep !!!! this is the time when i can get on a do things, especially when we go to them!! My uncle and aunty were visiting them yesterday to see baby and staying with my parents but they didnt get there till 3 so baby slept in everyone's arms from 3 - 5.30. when we got home baby was hungry, I was hungry DH was hungry and between us we juggled feeding and doing our food and dishes ect, it was really stressful evening and i couldnt help feeling resentful that long afternoon nap time had been 'wasted' as we try and prep dinner, get stuff done or have a bit of time to our selves when he is sleeping.
I said they could visit us today and again said morning is best , mum said they were going to have a slow morning - i said no problem just call after b/fast and i will let you if now is a good time for a visit. Any way - no phone call this morning - baby was awake and happy all morning so i called them at 1230 only to find that they were walking round local town!! they arrived at ours literally 10mins after baby was asleep!! i still wasnt dressed, hadn't had time to have lunch ect. they left after 30 mins because looking at a sleeping baby is a bit boring!!! no one offered to help me with anything (apart from washing but we are on top of that now). As soon as they left i just started to cry, im hungry, thirsty, want a wash and would really like to go for walk before it goes dark, but baby is now awake and wants feeding so i wont get my walk in now. I've explained to my mum that baby has the normal 'fuss' period in evening which we have found hard to manage at times, but her response is just - oh bless' and nothing practical that might help or even a more genuine 'there there'. I wish we hadnt arranged to see them or my aunty/uncle this weekend.

I honestly think this is one of the most entitled posts I've read on MN. Your DH shouldn't 'help' he must parent. You two have one child. I wouldn't be visiting if I had a 'job' to do whilst there.
It all sounds very PFB. Babies really aren't interesting to many outside of their parents, even if you receive amazing gifts and gushing messages on their arrival.

You have no idea of OP's circumstances - maybe she had a brutal labour and is still recovering? Maybe she has PPA/PPD? Maybe the dynamic in her relationship is such that her husband isn't used to keeping the household going so things have ground to a halt? Being actively critical of somebody because they find it hard and are struggling is just unhelpful and mean. If you found it such a breeze how about offering some advice instead?

You have a DH issue.

I think your parents are being a bit self absorbed - you've got a four week old baby, I think it is perfectly reasonable that your needs/preferences trump theirs for a while - even if there are solutions/it may not seem a big deal. They clearly prefer to come in the afternoon and are ignoring your request for morning. I think it is time to insist on morning and put a stop to afternoon for a few weeks, as they aren't respecting/understanding the significance of the morning request.

I hear you OP.

The first few weeks with a new baby are a shock to the system, your life changes instantly (and does gradually turn into a calmer new normal!).

I think part of having a new baby is that your priorities instantly change too. I think it is now fine to say, we are free between x any y o'clock, if you want to hold the baby whilst I get a shower then, that would be much appreciated.

There's no point in family coming at other times, when as well as not being able to help then, it's also actually making things more stressful.

I would just be clear with them in what your expectations are.

Wishing you well.

It sounds as if the best help would be them visiting you when it is convenient for you & you only going to them & staying for as long as is convenient for you.

As a rule two adults & one baby-one looks after baby-one does what needs doing!

Imo expectations re housework/cooking often need adjusting though.

Maybe the dynamic in her relationship is such that her husband isn't used to keeping the household going so things have ground to a halt?

Well he’d better pull his big boy pants on and learn then!

I do accept I need to allow DH to do more. We tried bottle for first time this morning but baba wasn't too keen! DH seems to stress more about baby than me so I find it easier for me to take him. He seems to panic more if there is unsettled baby noises and DH struggles if there is proper crying at nappy changes. He takes baby out in sling to calm him in morning. I am also aware that he is struggling with work atm and does need some alone time for his own mental health. No point in both of us in tears!

It might be easier short term for you to take him but long term, it won't be easier. DH has to learn just as you have to learn, you just have more time since you're with baby more than DH. Tell DH that he's doing great and that he'll find his own way and he'll soon develop confidence but that will be hard if you jump in every time to ''save'' him.

In the long term jumping in to save him will be harder because you'll have a DH saying ''baby only wants you'', ''baby won't settle for me'' etc and then it will be all on you. Very difficult, especially if you plan to go back to work.

The baby will start to be awake a lot more once a month has passed so you need to be able to get things done when they are.
Your husband can watch the baby while you get showered and dressed - if you make that a priority and you’ll feel set up for the day.
If you have a preference regarding visiting then say so and say no to whatever doesn’t suit you.

Your DH needs to sort himself out.

Yes having a new baby is hard but getting stressed out or blaming family members isn’t helping.

This baby is yours and DH’s, no one else’s.
If he’s struggling with the baby then he needs to do more cooking and cleaning etc.

When your family come around then I’d say can you watch the baby whilst I go and have a shower etc.

You are blaming your family, when it sounds like it’s DH that isn’t stepping up.

Get into a routine of having a quick shower and getting changed before DH goes to work.
Then get a playmat or travel cot/bouncy chair or sling and do some light housework/meal prep whilst baby is there.
When your family come round then do a load of stuff then.
Then when DH comes home, give him 30mins alone time and then hand the baby over and get some alone time yourself.

Your husband needs more practice with the aspects of baby care which he finds difficult.

Wow ok. We will crack on on our own then amd I will stop engaging with family! I've obviously completely miss read what happens in family's when a first baby arrives. I didn't want anyone to clean my house for me but coming round when it helps me would be helpful enough.

Barriers now up and gate firmly locked it is ! As I said I'm very used to not letting people into my bubble so back to normal.

Erm what? Sleep deprivation, your body going through huge hormonal changes and life and you know it changed forever? A few tears are definitely normal! OP don't expect them to help (I think it's really common for that help to stop pretty sharpish) but do set the times that are good for you. Maybe send a generic text to everyone saying baby is getting into a routine now and it's best for meet ups to be in the morning for now.

What do your in laws do help op?

The best thing for your husband and relationship is for him to step up and do more of these things he is struggling with.
The more he does it the more he gets used to it or troubleshoot the issue.
The absolute worst thing to ever do in these circumstances is to try and absolve him from doing these very necessary parenting jobs.

If you do that it will run into every aspect of life with a child.
It's not about fairness or punishing him it's about him being a competent parent and building up his confidence so he isn't incompetent and develops a good relationship with his child.

In laws are 5hrs away and DH is very low contact with them. We are visiting them in new-year once baby is old enough to travel longer distances. The only family close by are my mum and dad ( retired).

Definitely annoying that your family aren’t listening to your wishes! At the same time though, an average four week old sleeps about 18-20 hours - surely that’s enough for a shower, quick tidy etc? Unless there’s something else going on?

Agree it's DH that should be stepping up instead of in-laws/parents. I think baby will naturally want you more, but it could create a rod for your own back if DH isn't pushed in at the deep and end learns to cope with the crying and nappy changes solo.

Having said that, this is the time when you 100% get to call the shots with your parents visiting. Just be clear, "We'd love to see you if your free between X and Y, but after that I've got something I need to be cracking on with, so if you can't make the morning we'll have to reschedule".

You say yourself that you have previously put barriers up and shut people out. Now they are down and you expect people to come in but maybe they don’t know that and expect that you are still the independent person who doesn’t want outside help

You can’t really have it both ways without being open about it

You're acting like you have no control over this.

Just say visits between 10 - 2 only and that's that!

I think you’re rather naturally adjusting to the new level of responsibility, work and commitment needed and your parents are probably trying to help you adjust. It’s hard at first but just like learning to ride a bike or dress yourself once you’ve got it it’s no longer “a thing”.

You don’t need to stop engaging with your family.
You just need to stop getting annoyed at them for not doing enough of your chores.

It sounds like your parents come round quite a lot and so when they do, you need to use this time to do the chores or get yourself something to eat.

It doesn’t matter what time they come around and whether baby is awake or asleep.
They can still sit with baby whilst you get on with whatever you need to get in with.

I would tell them to come at a certain time but you still can’t guarantee that they will come at that time or that baby will be awake, so you need to get into a routine of doing most things when DH is at home.

I've not read all the replies but have you actually ASKED them to help you.

Mum and Dad I need your help please do ??

Some people need it spelt out and not hinted at.

And don't cut your nose off to spite your face OP.

A baby is the most life changing and challenging time of your life.

We were completely on our own and yes the first few weeks are really stressful because you are settling into a new life and trying to grips with learning to care for a baby.

Honestly though your DH is 50% of the parenting here, DH and I just both pitched in (tbf we ate a lot of takeouts at this point) but I would just go for a shower while DH had the baby. It wasn’t a big deal. It goes like this “I’m going for a shower”, “ok”. Changing a nappy, watching your own baby, settling your own baby is basic parenting and your DH needs to get to grips with it sharpish.

The first few months are extremely hard and if you need something specific from your parents then just tell them directly. But honestly your DH is the other parent and should be making time for you to have a shower and get dressed. I put DD in the crib for a bit if I needed to get dressed and just kept in her line of sight.

I'm going to next time ( if there is a Next time) I just feel bad that my uncle drove 4 hrs to see us. But in hind sight he also could have said no as well.