new baby - expecting help from visitors? (close family)

[Sailawaygirl]

Just need to get this of my chest. baby is 4 weeks old, i'm managing ok most of the times - a few tears at times which i think is too be expected, but im generally quite laid back and enjoying beautiful baba.

My parents live close by and until this week they have been our only visitors to baby (first grandchild so every one very excited). Mum helped by doing our clothes and towel washing in first week - which really helped. Since then I have gone round to them or asked them to pop over to see baby (who they adore obviously). But.....the timing of their visits is always when baby is asleep - which is fine but my dad keeps commenting that he never opens his eyes!! I've explained that he is always awake (and happy awake) in the morning so if they visits between 10 and 12 or about 2pm there is a good chance he will be awake and they can enjoy him looking around and making cute noises. Understandably this would also be a helpful time for me for them to visit as they can mind him while he is awake and so let me get on with a few things i want to do (like get dressed, shower, just have a bit of house tidy up ect). DH is about and holds baby for me and is good at helping, but an extra pair of arms would be helpful for both of us in the morning!
But they keep timing visits or asking us to go round for when baby is asleep !!!! this is the time when i can get on a do things, especially when we go to them!! My uncle and aunty were visiting them yesterday to see baby and staying with my parents but they didnt get there till 3 so baby slept in everyone's arms from 3 - 5.30. when we got home baby was hungry, I was hungry DH was hungry and between us we juggled feeding and doing our food and dishes ect, it was really stressful evening and i couldnt help feeling resentful that long afternoon nap time had been 'wasted' as we try and prep dinner, get stuff done or have a bit of time to our selves when he is sleeping.
I said they could visit us today and again said morning is best , mum said they were going to have a slow morning - i said no problem just call after b/fast and i will let you if now is a good time for a visit. Any way - no phone call this morning - baby was awake and happy all morning so i called them at 1230 only to find that they were walking round local town!! they arrived at ours literally 10mins after baby was asleep!! i still wasnt dressed, hadn't had time to have lunch ect. they left after 30 mins because looking at a sleeping baby is a bit boring!!! no one offered to help me with anything (apart from washing but we are on top of that now). As soon as they left i just started to cry, im hungry, thirsty, want a wash and would really like to go for walk before it goes dark, but baby is now awake and wants feeding so i wont get my walk in now. I've explained to my mum that baby has the normal 'fuss' period in evening which we have found hard to manage at times, but her response is just - oh bless' and nothing practical that might help or even a more genuine 'there there'. I wish we hadnt arranged to see them or my aunty/uncle this weekend.

Exactly this. I just can't get my head round the threads on here where babies literally get held all the time. It seems they can't ever just be left for 5 mins while the parent grabs a 5 min shower, brushes their teeth or has some food. They can be in the same room they don't need held constantly.

One thing I've learnt, people don't want to help new mothers and their newborns

Doesnt this rather depend on your idea of "help"? I would be happy to make an extra batch of meals and drop it off to make life easier for them (and in fact, have done this in past many times) but I am sorry, I draw the line at cleaning someone else's house from top to bottom or doing all their laundry for them. I have my own family/kids to take care of plus a full time job. Most people have their own family responsibilities to take care of and their own houses to clean etc I simply wouldnt have the time to take that on as well.

Of course it can!

I agree

You're expecting more of visitors than you are of your own husband. That’s your issue

This. 100%

I don’t get the angst. A baby changes things yes, but your life will never be the same and expecting others to pick up any slack is a sure way to disappoint yourself.

The expectation always falls on women too and that just isn't fair, especially if those expectations are higher than the actual father of the baby.

The expectation always falls on women too and that just isn't fair, especially if those expectations are higher than the actual father of the baby

God yes, doesnt it just? I dont think I've ever heard of a man being asked to provide a meal for a family with a new baby or to help clean their house. 🙄

You’re in tears, hungry, thirsty, need to wash and rest. And MNers have the nerve to click the YABU button?! I’m disgusted at that. OP, you are NOT being unreasonable. You’re going through the hardest thing you’ll possibly ever go through, it would be nice to have a bit of help. Of course YANBU. I’m currently pregnant with second DC, and visitors can naff right off when he arrives.

They were the opposite of helpful with DC1, like you say, they added stress to my day, expecting me to host and feed them, mere days after a CS! Never again will I be that people-pleasing buffoon, next time I know to expect nothing useful from anyone.

Best of luck to you and baby, it’s hard to start with, but you’ll get there ❤️

It was your choice to have a baby if you need people that don't live with to help you to do normal things with a baby you are not doing something right

Doesnt this rather depend on your idea of "help"? I would be happy to make an extra batch of meals and drop it off to make life easier for them

^^

This would have been great. Didn't happen though

She needs to get her dh to step up! He's right there, faffing about unable to boil pasta or do a proper shop so they have food in the house.

You’re in tears, hungry, thirsty, need to wash and rest. And MNers have the nerve to click the YABU button?! I’m disgusted at that. OP,

It seems though that Op & her husband could manage that between them.

and visitors can naff right off when he arrives.

That is probably more the crux of it for Op.

She might be getting on better if people weren't visiting at inconvenient times.

pht The baby in a baby chair and take him into the shower if you’re struggling too.

otherwise the rest is slings! Again you could pop baby in a baby chair to cook etc

Rarely do I bother to tell people where to shove their unhelpful comments, but I'll make an exception for you.

But it doesn’t need to be an all or nothing lovely. You can have family over. Just because of what some people have said doesn’t mean you need to cut them off entirely.

thsts a little cut off your nose to spite your own face. The family can be a huge help so shutting the door on them completely doesn’t make sense.

however do cut them off entirely if you don’t want them there but maybe just say that?

With all due respect babies of a month old sleep constantly. Have you spelt out to them, please come then I need your help?

In the silly hope that this might bring down some if the barriers between me and parents.

Perhaps your relationship with our parents is really what is colouring all of this.

Things aren't as you want them to be & you having a baby hasn't changed that.

No, babies of a month old don't necessarily sleep constantly. That may have been your experience, but it wasn't mine. But yes, I agree OP should spell out to her parents that she would really appreciate their help.

To add I don’t think it’s unheard of to want your close family to help a bit post first baby. It is an adjustment for everyone. But I really do think us Brits have a terrible way of expecting people to be mind readers. I’d be more than happy to watch someone’s baby whilst they got a shower whilst I visited or helped them do their washing up for example whilst we chatted whilst mum fed baby. If it was my daughter or DIL one day I’d happily help clean the house, cook meals and do washing. But you have to ASK. Don’t be afraid of asking for help. I didn’t, I just wanted to be a martyr with my 3, it didn’t do me any good.

What I meant was they don’t tend to have set wake up times / nap times like babies or 3 months plus. Mine didn’t anyway, they probably sleep 20hrs a day or something (on average, I had a terrible screamer in DS2, but on average)

Absolutely not true for my first. Baby wouldn't be put down, wouldn’t nap consistently or in a cot, spewed everywhere after every feed, wouldn't sit in the bouncer, screamed blue murder in the car seat. I had post partum haemorrhage. It was hideous. Second baby was a different kettle of fish, would put herself to sleep. Totally depends on the baby.

Ok so what you actually mean is that you want them to help in the mornings so your DH doesn't have to ?
Strange expectation to put on them really.
I would carry on with your current routine in the morning, plan something easy for dinner and then go for a walk with your DP.
Not showering or eating because your expectations are that they will look after the baby to allow this is strange.
DH and I did 45 mins ( shower, hair, eat,)each at the weekends, I bathed at night on a weeknight and he made me toast before he left .
I chucked something in the slow cooker.
If you were managing eating and getting ready on other days ,It wouldn't occur to me that you needed help just because I was visiting or you wouldn't shower or eat until I got there

I voted YABU because OP - who sounds lovely enough - needs to be much clearer in her expectations and to be assertive. It’s fine to say “please only come at X time” and it’s ok to decline visitors. Some people aren’t very good at taking the initiative or they don’t want to interfere. I’d rather be told “please hold the baby while I shower” and “can you pop on some toast please”. @Sailawaygirl i hope you do find the confidence to be very specific and ask. Congrats on your little one! 🙂

@Sailawaygirl sorry you are having such a hard time on this thread! I'm not sure what goes through the minds of some posters tbh...

First babies can be very hard when trying to juggle with everything and adapt to your new routine.
You are lucky to have your parents nearby, but that's one thing to have visitors not helping and another to have visitors actually making things worst.
I think you need to have an honest conversation with them, explain that you are struggling to adjust a little, and you would appreciate their help. It's obviously up to them to accept or not, that's ok if they don't, but put firm boundaries regarding the timing of their visit if it's not convenient for you.
Look in your entourage if there is someone else (a friend maybe?) that could help rather than your parents. And finally check out mums group around you, on Facebook etc, it's a great way to share your experience with other mums that will understand and be able to support.

re. your husband, the best is to leave him accommodate to your baby without you around. My husband was the same with our first, very anxious, but it's only by spending time with him and getting on with things that he learned to relax. At 4 weeks you can start with a little walk just after a feed, rock her to sleep, or he can pick up baby in the morning before going to work whilst you sleep, little things like this for 30-60 min (my husband does all the pooey nappies when he's home 😂).

You really need to find that help around you and don't keep all the stress on you, it will get easier but the tiredness also accumulate after a few months so it's best to establish a good support network from the start.

You are doing great!!!