new baby - expecting help from visitors? (close family)

[Sailawaygirl]

Just need to get this of my chest. baby is 4 weeks old, i'm managing ok most of the times - a few tears at times which i think is too be expected, but im generally quite laid back and enjoying beautiful baba.

My parents live close by and until this week they have been our only visitors to baby (first grandchild so every one very excited). Mum helped by doing our clothes and towel washing in first week - which really helped. Since then I have gone round to them or asked them to pop over to see baby (who they adore obviously). But.....the timing of their visits is always when baby is asleep - which is fine but my dad keeps commenting that he never opens his eyes!! I've explained that he is always awake (and happy awake) in the morning so if they visits between 10 and 12 or about 2pm there is a good chance he will be awake and they can enjoy him looking around and making cute noises. Understandably this would also be a helpful time for me for them to visit as they can mind him while he is awake and so let me get on with a few things i want to do (like get dressed, shower, just have a bit of house tidy up ect). DH is about and holds baby for me and is good at helping, but an extra pair of arms would be helpful for both of us in the morning!
But they keep timing visits or asking us to go round for when baby is asleep !!!! this is the time when i can get on a do things, especially when we go to them!! My uncle and aunty were visiting them yesterday to see baby and staying with my parents but they didnt get there till 3 so baby slept in everyone's arms from 3 - 5.30. when we got home baby was hungry, I was hungry DH was hungry and between us we juggled feeding and doing our food and dishes ect, it was really stressful evening and i couldnt help feeling resentful that long afternoon nap time had been 'wasted' as we try and prep dinner, get stuff done or have a bit of time to our selves when he is sleeping.
I said they could visit us today and again said morning is best , mum said they were going to have a slow morning - i said no problem just call after b/fast and i will let you if now is a good time for a visit. Any way - no phone call this morning - baby was awake and happy all morning so i called them at 1230 only to find that they were walking round local town!! they arrived at ours literally 10mins after baby was asleep!! i still wasnt dressed, hadn't had time to have lunch ect. they left after 30 mins because looking at a sleeping baby is a bit boring!!! no one offered to help me with anything (apart from washing but we are on top of that now). As soon as they left i just started to cry, im hungry, thirsty, want a wash and would really like to go for walk before it goes dark, but baby is now awake and wants feeding so i wont get my walk in now. I've explained to my mum that baby has the normal 'fuss' period in evening which we have found hard to manage at times, but her response is just - oh bless' and nothing practical that might help or even a more genuine 'there there'. I wish we hadnt arranged to see them or my aunty/uncle this weekend.

Thank heavens for this, I always wonder how I managed to wash/shower, get dressed, cook etc when mine were that age, babies seem to be far more demanding these days!

@Sailawaygirlsorry you are having such a hard time on this thread! I'm not sure what goes through the minds of some posters tbh...
I think most posters were confused.
Op said she didn't get to eat/ drink or shower until the evening, yet her DH and DP were there .
As posted above she then said she was fine on the days its just her and her DH, so the I need my DP here to do this comes across oddly.
Carry on with the usual routine and meet them for a short walk, tea and cake in the afternoon.
Waiting for them and putting things like eating and showering off because " they should help" is self defeating

think it's very sad that in UK culture now a mum is expected to 'get on with it' alone. that is not at all how women have raised babies and children throughout history - why are people holding the baby for hours while tired mum sits there exhausted, missing a chance for a rest

Not true that it's only in the UK, but UK bashing is an MN sport, it's common to many countries who are no longer living as they did in the 1950s. It used to be common for couples to stay in near contact with families, they lived and worked close to each other so it was usual to have 'help', or interference, from all and sundry. Now many live far away from their birth families who are not on hand to be called upon to help. We were working overseas when both of ours were born so we had to get on with it, once we brought No 1 back to the UK at about 6 weeks we had everything organised and didn't need any 'help'.

YANBU. I can completely relate to your post, could have written this myself. My bubba is 6 months old now. Things do settle, you find a little routine and ways to get things done. Our visitors in early days were all people who needed entertaining so we had to be up, showered, dressed etc, clean house for when they came. No help whatsoever from family. We just accepted how it is in the end. We scheduled lots of visitor free days. Some people’s comments on here are just unkind/unhelpful. I remember my baby breast feeding every 2 hours during a heatwave, perfectly normal and feeds taking up to 50 minutes. So yes it can be extremely difficult to shower etc in early days. Things will settle down. Yes you can get very emotional too without it being a problem. Doesn’t mean you have postnatal depression, it’s just all the hormones x

Oh OP, the four week point is hard! My little one is seven months now and was very much a velcro baby so I had times when I felt like you. My parents live a four hour drive from me so other than when my Mum came to stay for the initial first few it has just been just my DH and I. Here are some of the things that worked for me (sorry if I am repeating what others have already said)...
Make sure you have lots and lots of snacks stocked in the cupboard that you can just grab and eat as you are sat with baby. I made sure my cupboard was stocked up with nuts, dried fruit, crackers, muesli bars etc.
Just eat anything on toast for dinner. Eggs are very nutritious and filling and take minutes to make. Plus hardly any mess to clean up!
Set times when your DH needs to take over and give you a break. I was lucky that my husband works from home but it used to be that before he logged on to work in the morning was my time to shower and get dressed and ready for the day and when he logged off at the end of the day he would take our son so I could have time to do things that I needed to. We did bottle feed though so I appreciate this can be much more difficult when you are breastfeeding.
Things will get better. Eventually you will get more sleep and things start to feel less intense.

This.
The whole dynamic sounds unhealthy and is being mirrored in the new OH/DP relationship.
I don't think the parents who are ill suited to your medical truths are likely to magically turn into empathetic grandparents.

OP it's early days but you need to think about what YOU want and how YOU want to parent. This is your chance to build a better childhood for your baby that you ever had. There's no rush to make these decisions, but I suspect one of the first ones will need to be a lot less contact with people who make you feel bad and don't respect your needs.

I think the real title of this thread is really "AIBU to think my mother would become a better mother now that I really need her?" Sadly, you are BU. She isn't going to change. I know it must be hard to realise that there won't ever be a time in your life that she will become the mother that you need. Just focus on your little baby now. Be the mother you wish you had, and make sure your husband knows how important it is for him to be the best husband and father he can be. That is all you can do. Good luck, OP.

Agree with this.

Perhaps some therapy will help in a few months to examine the relationship with your parents and look at how you can get your needs met more

But it's clear from the post that he needs help, not a bashing. We've all been there, had shitty days where we can't eat or wash, and are disappointed when family don't seem to care or understand.

Everyone did, even the little miss perfects on here who never needed help and "got on with it"...

I'm not suggesting bashing anyone?
Do you mean he or she?

Essentially I think everyone has days when they need help but Op seems to be pushing the need for help from her Dps when she copes fine when it's her and DH.
They aren't meeting her needs unsurprisingly and probably never have/ will and that's the issue here .

Ok I don’t know if this will help but this is how DH and I managed with DS1. DH was in a US medical residency program so working 100 hours a week so it was a tiny bit mad. This was our newborn routine with a first child.

He would wake up at 5:30 or so have a shower, make himself and me breakfast. Run a load of washing. Empty the dishwasher.
I would wake up at 6 and feed the baby. Hand over to DH. Who would change the baby, play with him, do chores with the baby strapped to him and make me a sandwich for lunch. I would have a shower, eat and get changed. Then DH would leave with a clean house behind him and everyone dressed and up. DS1 then took a morning nap around 8:30 and I would nap with him.

Because he was a resident working insane hours he really needed to sleep to be in a fit state to see patients so I did the night feeds (and anyway DS1 and 2 were breastfed).

I would nap with DS but I planned for 3x20 blocks per day where I could put DS down and get something done. On a good day.

Block 1 I would eat my sandwich, do laundry and tidying up, make a cup of tea and take deep breaths.
Block 2 chop veggies for dinner. Finish prep Make another cup of tea. Any chores.
Block 3: Cook the dinner.
I would mostly do bedtime on my own but as soon as DS was asleep I did a quick tidy up and wolfed down some food so I had eaten before his first wake up so the house was semi tidy and I wasn’t starving.

I also followed a rule from my MIL that instead of trying to fit the baby into a routine to try and have my own to begin with. So I woke up roughly at the same time everyday. Went for a walk at roughly the same time. Started bathtime at roughly the same time. It helped me feel in control even though DS1 himself didn’t have a routine I felt like my day had a cadence to it.

DH/DP needs a foot up the arse! We’re talking about 2 adults here who’ve had a child for goodness sake. One adult deals with the baby and the other cooks a meal or allows the other to go for a shower. There is no “little miss perfects” on this thread, just adults, you know, adulting and parenting. There is no way that 2 adults can’t get their shit together while one cooks a meal and the other showers.

As for the bashing of the grandparents on here the armchair psychologists should take a back seat as you know very little about the background of the OP or their opinion on the matter.

You literally said you could do with an extra pair of hands in the morning. Presumably just your mum's because men are excused from caring for babies.