new baby - expecting help from visitors? (close family)

[Sailawaygirl]

Just need to get this of my chest. baby is 4 weeks old, i'm managing ok most of the times - a few tears at times which i think is too be expected, but im generally quite laid back and enjoying beautiful baba.

My parents live close by and until this week they have been our only visitors to baby (first grandchild so every one very excited). Mum helped by doing our clothes and towel washing in first week - which really helped. Since then I have gone round to them or asked them to pop over to see baby (who they adore obviously). But.....the timing of their visits is always when baby is asleep - which is fine but my dad keeps commenting that he never opens his eyes!! I've explained that he is always awake (and happy awake) in the morning so if they visits between 10 and 12 or about 2pm there is a good chance he will be awake and they can enjoy him looking around and making cute noises. Understandably this would also be a helpful time for me for them to visit as they can mind him while he is awake and so let me get on with a few things i want to do (like get dressed, shower, just have a bit of house tidy up ect). DH is about and holds baby for me and is good at helping, but an extra pair of arms would be helpful for both of us in the morning!
But they keep timing visits or asking us to go round for when baby is asleep !!!! this is the time when i can get on a do things, especially when we go to them!! My uncle and aunty were visiting them yesterday to see baby and staying with my parents but they didnt get there till 3 so baby slept in everyone's arms from 3 - 5.30. when we got home baby was hungry, I was hungry DH was hungry and between us we juggled feeding and doing our food and dishes ect, it was really stressful evening and i couldnt help feeling resentful that long afternoon nap time had been 'wasted' as we try and prep dinner, get stuff done or have a bit of time to our selves when he is sleeping.
I said they could visit us today and again said morning is best , mum said they were going to have a slow morning - i said no problem just call after b/fast and i will let you if now is a good time for a visit. Any way - no phone call this morning - baby was awake and happy all morning so i called them at 1230 only to find that they were walking round local town!! they arrived at ours literally 10mins after baby was asleep!! i still wasnt dressed, hadn't had time to have lunch ect. they left after 30 mins because looking at a sleeping baby is a bit boring!!! no one offered to help me with anything (apart from washing but we are on top of that now). As soon as they left i just started to cry, im hungry, thirsty, want a wash and would really like to go for walk before it goes dark, but baby is now awake and wants feeding so i wont get my walk in now. I've explained to my mum that baby has the normal 'fuss' period in evening which we have found hard to manage at times, but her response is just - oh bless' and nothing practical that might help or even a more genuine 'there there'. I wish we hadnt arranged to see them or my aunty/uncle this weekend.

@SawX that's not what I mean at all. Dh, baby and me get on fine if it's just us all day. Or mainly me and baby when dh is at work. Visits seem to get in the way of doing what we do. so I had planned what I would do eg shower taking into account that there would be a time when visitors would be present. It's more about the miscommunication regarding times which upset me at the time.

I'd put baby in baby seat in the bathroom when I had a shower if he wouldn't sleep/settle. A shower in the morning I found essential in the early days when bleeding. Then dressed and out on a nice day. Made sure babies learnt to sleep through hoovering, washing machine. My OH worked long hours.

I wouldn't have hung around for dilly dally parents.

OP- next time, go for a walk with your parents and baby so you could get 2 things done in one go? Dh could Uber stayed at home and cooked dinner.

This.
Be direct with proposed visitors and ask for the help you want. It's still early days.

You have one child it shouldn't be this hard you put the baby down in a cot or bouncer to do things. How do you think families who have mutilbabies or a toddler and baby do things or people who have school aged children yo get ready for school with a baby. If you need help then your dh helps it's not on your parents to help.

The two aren't mutually exclusive. One can have a desire to help while simultaneously expecting to be treated with respect and gratitude.

The prevailing attitude that consideration constantly flow only one way, TOWARD parents who, after all, are in a position they voluntarily chose, is what is absurd. If they want the time, effort, energy and money of their village, they need to be open to the opinions and suggestions of the villagers.

If they want to be all about "don't question mah pah-runt-ing choices!" then they can go it alone. I know of many GPs who are fed up at being expected to clean, cook, fork over cash and otherwise be a bottomless resource. They've raised their families and while they love them, they've no desire to become their servants or for ever visit to turn into a chore session.

People complaining about how "struggling new parents don't get the help they used to..." don't seem to like the obvious answers, which is that their family members are busy and don't care to apply their limited time and effort to ingrates.

At this point dh had gone out to run an erand and get milk and some bits from tesco before it shut.

I will phone my parents and tell them to fcuk of then!

Fair enough- so why couldnt he have brought you back some food or prepared something before he left? unless he was gone for like, 6+ hours it still seems a bit weird that you were crying from hunger/thirst. Why couldnt you have had a shower before he went out to Tescos?

I'm honestly not trying to be unkind here, but it really sounds like he isnt stepping up and your parents are getting the brunt of your anger.

What?

Sailawaygirl now your being silly, you need to ask your dh for help to expect your parents to come at set times or like pp said ask them to watch the baby when you shower when you come over. It's a dh to step up and parent. One Cooks the other watches the baby there's two adults here and one child.

I think this is very understandable. It's frustrating when people take up your precious baby nap time. Everyone saying babies are easy and you should just cope fine are being unnecessarily cruel.

They aren't listening to you even when you have stood up for yourself and told them what you want them to do. If the baby is asleep next time I would just go off and have a sleep in the bedroom with the baby. They are only usually awake for 40 mins at a time anyway.

I also think your anger is mislaid at your parents and your frustrated by the lack of support off your dh. In terms of food get a delivery, meal plan use the slow cooker or air fryer.

And yes life would be easier without visitors right now!

Put your foot down and tell them not to come round then.
Or say can you come between 12-1 and then plan things for when they come (eg having lunch or washing the dishes).
Its your home.

You also need to stop treating DH like a child.
He’s an adult, just like you.
He’s now a parent, just like you and doesn’t get to not pull his weight just because he’s a man.

You need to rely on your DH more than your parents or other family members.
If they come round and you can have a break then great but you shouldn’t feel angry at them for it.

As a PP said, be open with them and say I’m struggling please can you come over so I can have a shower and clean up or something.

I think you are misdirecting your feelings.
If you are struggling to eat dinner, that is not your parents or uncles fault. That is your DH’s fault.
When there are 2 parents, one of you can make the food and one of you can feed the baby. It shouldn’t have to be difficult.

You have to start putting yourself first.

@LaurieStrode

but you are mixing up two different things
someone can totally respect you and feel gratitude for your help
without wanting your opinion and advice on baby-rearing

why is that in your head the only way to feel respect and gratitude is to respectfully listen to unsolicited advice?

I'm going to stop looking at this thread any more but I am not upset or feel DH isn't doing enough. I was upset ( irrationally I now admit) that visitors hadn't taken on board my time preference and stupidly I had then planned things round there visit. In the silly hope that this might bring down some if the barriers between me and parents. I also had this false vision in my head of someone asking if there was anything they could do to help.

I find days soo much eiaser when we don't have to visit anyone and me DH and baby can just do our thing. And I think we are coping really well. And as I have said we have not had many visitors at all just my parents and my uncle and aunty.

I now have to think about how I take a step back from everyone without hurting the family who di want to see baby.

So thank you

If you are struggling to eat dinner, that is not your parents or uncles fault. That is your DH’s fault

Yes- this is exactly what I cant get my head around. Of all the people I would expect to help me with dinner, it would be my DH- my life partner and father of my baby, not my parents or my uncle. I dont understand how DH popping out to the shop for milk (which cant have taken hours and hours) means noone had anything to eat and ended up hungry.

So basically you expect your visitors to come clean the house etc?

You need to start sorting yourself out, you are an adult fgs

This. Also its great if people come and help you, but the reality is most people come to play with the baby not to your house work (unfortunately!)

I don't think you crying from hunger and thirst while he nipped out to get some milk can be defined as coping really well, op?
How did the food run out?

Well, that's where we disagree.

"Unsolicited " is an insult when referring to the suggestions of family and friends. They're not some busybody strangers in Tesco.

It does if you have a Hellspawn like I did

Were there two of you?

One thing I've learnt, people don't want to help new mothers and their newborns

All they want is a photo opportunity and to leave

Mil and fil infamously arrived to 'help' and started making a fucking Banana bread in the kitchen, with our ingredients

Just takes the biscuit (pun intended)

I actually think the difference is that some are willing to let their babies cry when they have a quick shower and some aren't.

Of course mine didn't always just sit in his bouncer or cot happy for 5-10 minutes so he cried and he had to wait because going to the toilet, having a shower, eating etc is essential, I didn't see it as optional.