new baby - expecting help from visitors? (close family)

[Sailawaygirl]

Just need to get this of my chest. baby is 4 weeks old, i'm managing ok most of the times - a few tears at times which i think is too be expected, but im generally quite laid back and enjoying beautiful baba.

My parents live close by and until this week they have been our only visitors to baby (first grandchild so every one very excited). Mum helped by doing our clothes and towel washing in first week - which really helped. Since then I have gone round to them or asked them to pop over to see baby (who they adore obviously). But.....the timing of their visits is always when baby is asleep - which is fine but my dad keeps commenting that he never opens his eyes!! I've explained that he is always awake (and happy awake) in the morning so if they visits between 10 and 12 or about 2pm there is a good chance he will be awake and they can enjoy him looking around and making cute noises. Understandably this would also be a helpful time for me for them to visit as they can mind him while he is awake and so let me get on with a few things i want to do (like get dressed, shower, just have a bit of house tidy up ect). DH is about and holds baby for me and is good at helping, but an extra pair of arms would be helpful for both of us in the morning!
But they keep timing visits or asking us to go round for when baby is asleep !!!! this is the time when i can get on a do things, especially when we go to them!! My uncle and aunty were visiting them yesterday to see baby and staying with my parents but they didnt get there till 3 so baby slept in everyone's arms from 3 - 5.30. when we got home baby was hungry, I was hungry DH was hungry and between us we juggled feeding and doing our food and dishes ect, it was really stressful evening and i couldnt help feeling resentful that long afternoon nap time had been 'wasted' as we try and prep dinner, get stuff done or have a bit of time to our selves when he is sleeping.
I said they could visit us today and again said morning is best , mum said they were going to have a slow morning - i said no problem just call after b/fast and i will let you if now is a good time for a visit. Any way - no phone call this morning - baby was awake and happy all morning so i called them at 1230 only to find that they were walking round local town!! they arrived at ours literally 10mins after baby was asleep!! i still wasnt dressed, hadn't had time to have lunch ect. they left after 30 mins because looking at a sleeping baby is a bit boring!!! no one offered to help me with anything (apart from washing but we are on top of that now). As soon as they left i just started to cry, im hungry, thirsty, want a wash and would really like to go for walk before it goes dark, but baby is now awake and wants feeding so i wont get my walk in now. I've explained to my mum that baby has the normal 'fuss' period in evening which we have found hard to manage at times, but her response is just - oh bless' and nothing practical that might help or even a more genuine 'there there'. I wish we hadnt arranged to see them or my aunty/uncle this weekend.

Actually the culture used to be that women rallied round while Dad's carried on as normal.
If there are 2 parents both need to parent and support each other.
If a woman has a partner I wouldn't expect to " help" in the early weeks so the other partner can not do their share.
The issues are differing expectations visit vs "there to help" plus the DH being a bit useless.

If the babies asleep surely you can shower and dress then. It must go back to sleep after its early morning feed at 6-7 surely? That's your opportunity for a shower and to get dressed.

When I had my first the only thing my husband couldn't do was the breastfeeding.

He could obviously bathe & dress, change a nappy, cuddle.

He also knew how to keep a house & shift for himself-a lot of it is common sense isn't it?

Its hard having a newborn and we had no family help so I sympathise. That said, why are you expecting your parents to help when it sounds like your DH is doing bugger all? He cant even cook something without it burning?- thats not really normal, HE should be stepping up and helping- its his baby too. Why cant you shower and get dressed whilst he is watching sleeping baby, I dont understand why you cant tag team this? it sounds like he's virtually useless in this entire scenario.

You have to be careful that the foundations that you are currently laying don’t result in you being the only parent that can do bedtime and other parenting tasks. You know your son better because you’re on maternity leave so spend more time with the baby and your h needs to persevere so that you don’t end up being one of those women who can’t go out without the child because the husband is useless.
Even if it doesn’t feel natural, you need to start saying stuff like you are going to have a shower so he needs to look after the baby. I bet he had a shower!!

Yanbu to wish that visitors come during the times slots that are convenient to you. Your updates made it clear that your mum is complicated and behaves how you’d like her to be with other people but ignores those standards when it comes to you. It’s ok to say after 10am or not at all her. She will have other opportunities to visit and maybe it will make her think about where her priorities should lie.

Weekends should be easier as your h is at home so you don’t have to sling the baby while making a quick lunch etc You mentioned enjoying cooking but your h needs to up his game before baby is weaned and he’s the one who has to rustle up some food when he’s looking after the child. What would he do if you were in hospital? He should have practiced during your pregnancy tbh.

Oh these babies are so difficult theses days aren't they !!!!🙄

First baby?

You can pop the baby in a pram and go for walks, even if baby is asleep.

You can get things done while the baby is asleep, including showering. Baby will be fine, even if baby wakes up while you're in there.

It sounds like you actually need to get out more. With the baby.

Find a local baby/playgroup and go and sit and have some tea and chat in the morning. Or go to a local cafe and have a sit while baby sleeps next to you.

If you are insisting on being 'at home' and 'quiet' when your baby needs a nap so s/he can be in their own bed, you are setting yourself up to struggle to do anything going forward.

Some babies only like to sleep on the nice warm body of another adult and are like sirens going off if they are put down.

I'm sure the op will find her routine and way eventually though.

It is totally ok to expect your parents to help with a newborn… but lots of British GPs are too busy/too precious for that sadly

you need to be more clear/firm with your parents on when they can visit (ie specific times) and what you want them to do. If they don’t want to help they will just visit less which is just as well, you don’t need them to visit every day if they just sit there expecting to be waited on, you are new mum and don’t have time/energy for this shit. They can visit once a week then and you know you won’t be able to count on them so THEN you can put your big girls pants on

my mum is massive help around the house and I can’t imagine not helping my daughter
also, sleeping babies are lovely if they are own flesh and blood so very odd that it’s boring for grandparents 🙄

I know where many erstwhile helpers are: off doing their own thing because they're tired of being told "don't question my parenting choices!" and having well-meant advice rejected and scorned.

We of the village aren't your skivviies and your pocketbooks. Don't want our opinions, then have at it alone.

@CleverClogg haven't read the whole thread as there is quite a bit oh unkindness being displayed, I hope you don't take it too much to heart.

It is hard at the start and my parents sound a lot like yours. Well-meaning but would often turn up really late or forget to bring dinner when they said they would... I love them to pieces but they are just too disorganised themselves to know when and where to step in. I had to be explicit with them but even then they wouldn't always get it! My MIL on the other hand was brilliant in this aspect. The type of help I think you are describing, in my experience, only lasts the first couple of weeks anyway. Then they leave you to it (just in time for DH to go back to work!)

And when baby is new you are feeling emotionally tender and a bit weepy, that's totally normal. It makes everything feel harder than it is. You will find your rhythm in time. Both you and DH.

I hope the responses got kinder from the first handful or so that I read!

@LaurieStrode

ah, so in your world it’s very transactional? “I will help only if you follow my parenting opinions and listen to advice”
a bit controlling approach and not at all loving 🙄

I've got 4 kids and i'm not ashamed to say the first 2 months is always horrible. Stressful, up in the air and i hate it. You'll be ok in a few weeks OP. First baby is always a shock to the system.

Think on this though:
once you have more than one and your DH has gone back to work after week 1, you just HAVE to get your shit together with the new baby to get the older ones to school for 9am.

I think once you've no choice but to get out of the house by half 8 (even with a bit of toast stuck to your cardi) it forces you out of the flailing about stage. Which is a blessing in disguise.

Oops sorry @CleverClogg you are not the OP! I meant to @ the op @Sailawaygirl

Newborns are very difficult but PP are right that your husband should be doing just about everything apart from breastfeeding, because breastfeeding is really intense.

In the evenings after my DH was back at work, I would basically hand my son over to him and take some time back, even if that was just cooking us a meal whilst listening to a podcast or having a bath - it felt like freedom! I expressed a bit during the day so that DH could give a small bottle if needed. I know that's not for everyone, but it helped us manage and kept me feeling resilient.

It's called mutual respect.

If my thoughts and opinions are not valued, I wouldn't waste my time, energy and money, either. Get on with it yourselves.

(The "transactional" trope is trite, tiresome and unoriginal.)

@LaurieStrode

no, it’s called controlling
when you help your friends do you also do it conditionally?

I took from @LaurieStrode 's post that the controlling was coming from the other direction? Accepting help conditionally is equally controlling.

It's not "controlling" to offer advice, suggestions and wisdom, ffs. Nor to expect that it be respectfully received.

GOs, friends and family aren't servants (and wallets) who are to be seen and not heard. But many parents need to learn that the hard way.

They’re your parents, just tell them it’s not convenient times or ask them for help if you need it!

@LaurieStrode

lol, this is ridiculous
it is controlling to offer help only on the condition that your UNSOLICITED wisdom and advice has to be respectfully (!!!) received

do you only help your friends on the same conditions?
its not help then - its not coming from the desire to actually help

It probably doesn't occur to your parents that you need four adults in the house to manage a morning with a baby. Or to make a meal.

Me too. People don't seem to understand that their experience is not universal and that babies, like adults, are not all the same! For instance, my first would start crying if I just put him down. My friend's baby would happily sit on the sofa while she went and had a shower and got dressed without a care in the world.

Perhaps there is less help now from family members (women?) as more is expected of the father!

Not sure I'll be cooking/ cleaning/doing laundry when the dad is more than capable!

Sure I'd likely chip in whilst something is being done-but not the whole shebang!

As soon as they left i just started to cry, im hungry, thirsty, want a wash and would really like to go for walk before it goes dark

Am I missing something- why cant your DH get you a drink and something to eat? why cant he watch baby whilst you have a walk/shower. There are two of you in the house, so what on earth is he doing all day long? I dont understand why you have to wait until your parents arrive to get something to eat or drink. There is something really not right here if two adults cant eat or drink with a newborn in the house. I could completely understand it if you were all alone but you arent, so why on earth isnt he helping?