To be devastated for DC

[sunrisesandcoffee]

DC is 6 years old and has no contact with DF. I have been with my DP for 5 years so DC has looked at him as a father figure. DP treated my child as his own, constant I love yous, helping with homework. Days out, school events ect.

A week ago DP and I have an argument about what I would say is nothing and he has now left me. AIBU to be so upset that he wants no contact with my DC or is this totally normal behaviour towards a SC? It's made me look at future relationships so differently and I don't even know where to begin explaining what has happened to my 6 year old. I feel like I've been left to pick up to pieces and he's just walked away and carried on with his life.

I don't even know if I'm heartbroken myself as all I can think about is the guilt I have for bringing this man into my baby's life for him to just walk away like they didn't matter at all .

Would you really expect an ex-boyfriend to maintain a relationship with your six year old?

@Caggers I don't know what I expect. That's why I'm asking the question.

This does seem very heartless but ultimately he has no legal rights or responsibility to your son. If you had initiated the break up you may also have wanted a clean break. I think you just have to be honest in an age appropriate way to your six year old and be more careful in the future about allowing anyone to have that kind of relationship with him.

You presumably weren't married? It would be quite odd if he requested access to your son, tbh. Don't you think?

This is why you should always make it very clear to a child that a new partner is not, and never will be their actual Father.

That's awful and I understand why you're upset. But I don't think there are many people that really love a SC like their own. Long term it's perhaps better to cut ties now , because let's be honest would it really have carried on beyond a year or so?

He was in the child’s life for 5 years out of six. I would.
I hear where you are coming from OP. My partner was separated from his daughter’s mum for 13 years. Before me, he dated someone for 4 years who had a very close relationship with my stepdaughter. When they broke up, the woman told my partner to inform his child that they are not going to see each other again. Not only I am heartbroken for her but also it affects our relationship. I always feel that she is deliberately distant with me, as though I am similarly just a temporary fixture in her life. I think it sucks for everyone involved.

This is really really sad OP, but I think it would be relatively unusual for a man (or woman) to continue a relationship with a step child after splitting up with the child's parent.

I think it's just the guilt taking over, I don't expect him to have contact with him but they really have such a great bond that I just feel so sad for my child. It's my own fault for allowing it to happen and I know that.

I wouldn't continue to the relationship with the child. It's difficult enough when you have parental rights but he has none and obviously wants a clean break.

I am sorry there is no easy choices when children involved. I am sorry you have to deal with your childs hurt as well as your own.

It does seem very heartless so I understand why you are upset op. You thought that your ex had a genuine relationship with your son.

Imho men are much “better” than women at compartmentalising their feelings and their relationships. And sorry to say but if your ex wants to make a fresh start then he needs to go forward without (as he would see it) any emotional baggage.

I also have seen evidence in my friendship group of men being much more “clinical” in relation to dc that are not their own, in other words, paternity seems to mean a lot to them.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

My child has always known he is not his biological father but that hasn't stopped him from looking at him as a father figure. He has been in his life since he was 10 months old and this man would say I love you daily and do everything a father does.

He has no parental rights and would be at your mercy going forward. It doesn't even sound like you were married. What happens when you get a new partner? Your anger should be with DC's biological father. He's the one who has let your DS down, that is if he's still alive.

I agree with Cher's dad in Clueless

I hear you op. Just because other people do it or excuse it, doesn't mean treating a child like they're disposable is acceptable behaviour.

The only step parents I've known to hang around after a split is when they have biological children as well so stay in contact for that reason and continue to see the other child. I wouldn't keep in contact either if I'm honest

No not married. This was actually part of the reason for the break up. Looking at it now he had absolutely no commitment to me and I allowed him into my child's life. I feel terrible for that and will never forgive myself.

Do.you feel this guilty and anger at his biological father?.

I’ve never known a former stepparent keep in contact with stepchildren after a break up/divorce.

I am sorry but I don't think it's usual for there to be contact with a step parent after a break up.

It's possible to feel more than one thing at a time.

Gosh this post is brutal.

The relationship between the step parent and the child is separate.

It would be very impactful for the child to have the step parent just walk out like that.

Strangely no because he made a decision when I fell pregnant not to have contact with him. I accepted that and my child has never really asked questions about him (yet).He has always had such a loving, stable home and has always been a happy baby/child. That probably sounds crazy but it's the easiest way to explain it.

I still keep in touch with my stepmum, 25 years after the break up. It's understandable you're so sad, especially as his actual father isn't in his life.

Take it easy on yourself for now.

The focus has to be on you and the children now. All the guilt, anger etc. can be dealt with later.