To be devastated for DC

[sunrisesandcoffee]

DC is 6 years old and has no contact with DF. I have been with my DP for 5 years so DC has looked at him as a father figure. DP treated my child as his own, constant I love yous, helping with homework. Days out, school events ect.

A week ago DP and I have an argument about what I would say is nothing and he has now left me. AIBU to be so upset that he wants no contact with my DC or is this totally normal behaviour towards a SC? It's made me look at future relationships so differently and I don't even know where to begin explaining what has happened to my 6 year old. I feel like I've been left to pick up to pieces and he's just walked away and carried on with his life.

I don't even know if I'm heartbroken myself as all I can think about is the guilt I have for bringing this man into my baby's life for him to just walk away like they didn't matter at all .

Sorry you’re hurting so much 💐

I don’t think his approach is unusual but it’s okay to feel gutted for yourself and your little boy. Look after yourself.

Do you think it's something you guys can work out OP?

I know several people who kept up relationships with stepchildren (even if not married) after a break up. Even if only for a sort of tailing off the relationship over a year or so, to make it less of a blunt end.

I think your ex is a total twat op.

YANBU. You'd have to pretty cold to just cut a child off like that. One who has seen you as a father for 5 out of their 6 years and who you tell you love every day. That's very tough on the kid and you. I'm sorry.

Good grief. Children form deep bonds to nannies after five years! Humans can't help loving people they spend time with, whether they are badged 'father' or not.

Honestly I think it's totally normal for him to not maintain contact with him after you've broken up - he's not his dad and it would probably be more confusing in the long run with any other relationships either of you have for your child.

My stepdad has no contact with me - he was my stepdad for 25 years and I'm 30, so it's normal in my eyes! I've never known any other children of divorce maintain relationships with step parents tbh.

This is really sad OP. My partner went through something previously in a past relationship. The bio father was in and out of their life & he essentially stepped up and was part of the children's lives for about 7 years. The relationship ended, and he made the decision to walk away and cut all ties. This wasn't an easy decision for him in the slightest, and even now it still cuts deep.

When I've asked why he walked away from the children, he said being part of their lives and his ex, was a choice and not something he could expect family, friends or any future partners or children he now has to understand or take on. He believes, and still does to this day, that it was the best for them.

It doesnt mean he doesn't care, I know he does. He believes it was the best decision all round, and for him at that point to have a clean break as being blunt, it was a choice for him to stay involved going forward.

This is why the mantra of all children should be treated equally and step grandparents should treat step grandchildren like their own are dangerous. Are his parents going to continue to see him. No matter how much we would like it families don't really blend - they just end up with temporary, workable relationships.

I think you’re justified to feel sad for your little boy. It will be a loss for him. But please don’t feel guilty. You couldn’t know this would happen.

It’s very difficult. Even more difficult that splitting when the adults are biological parents, in some ways.

But think about it long term. When you ex moves on, meets someone and moves in with them (even if it’s years) are you going to be happy sending your son off to spend weekends, holidays etc with them?

What if the ex decides to introduce your son to parade of girlfriends like some parents do. You end up sharing residency of yeh child but you think he isn’t acting in the best interest of the child. You can simply stop his access.

This man had a relationship with your child that was entirely dependent on you. You can take it away at anytime. Being a step parent figure (especially when unmarried) is precarious. You get attached to child, emotionally invest in the child. But you have no right to continue that relationship unless the parent allows it.

Thats why I think alot of step parents do walk away from the kids as well. They do bond, they do invest but the bond always has that hanging over it. The relationship is entirely dependent on the biological parent. So when the step parent and biological parent splits, the relationship with the child stops.

I wouldn’t want to be in a situation where I thought of a child as mine, shared residency and my ex could simply stop me seeing the child of they fancy it.

Every adult should really consider this when getting close to a child or let their children get close to an adult as a parental figure.

I completely get why he would want a clean break but this wasn't a bad break up. I wanted another baby/to move house and he clearly didn't. He knew all along this was something I wanted so on top of that I feel like I have wasted 5 years of my life (I am late 30s). This feels so different to any other breakup because I don't know what I'm feeling for myself, it's just my dc I can think about as well as wasting the last of my childbearing years.

I wonder consider a partner of 5 years, who'd acted and accepted the pleasures of being a parent for 5 years, to act like a casual boyfriend. I don't think op is unreasonable to think the guy might have actually cared.

I'm sorry op, no words of wisdom but this isn't your fault. I know MN will say you should never introduce any man to your child etc., but you deserve happiness too.

I'd let the dust settle and then ask him if he wants to see him.

This sucks, I'm sorry op. This might be marginally better than him running off when you're pregnant or have a baby? I don't know if it is.

Considering he’s known your son since he was 1 years old (if you’ve been with him for 5 years) I’m surprised he hasn’t formed more of an attachment.

This is so tough. I feel for your child. It must be upsetting to have someone you’ve known all your life leave suddenly and cut ties. This is why I could never have a relationship with someone with young children. It can can issues for both that I couldn’t deal with.

I hope your child copes with this and I wish you both well.

I’m so sorry OP, this is really sad.

What u would say it’s only been a week. Things are clearly still raw. It may be that he doesn’t want to see him but I don’t know that you know that at this stage.

I would find it hard to walk away after loving a child for 5 years but he may feel he has no option. It’s such a difficult situation.

I’m in a similar ish position - just split from a partner of 5 years who had moved in with myself and my 2 DC quite early on. He has not indicated any desire to want to continue a relationship with them - in fact it is one of my DC who is chasing him, which I can only imagine will end with him feeling very disappointed in time. However DS has ASD so doesn’t really understand the tricky dynamics going on.

I fee the guilt too - I split with my kids dad 7 years ago and now this relationship has ended too. I have sworn to myself that I won’t put them in a position again where I will introduce them to another partner (if I ever feel like I want to put myself out there again) - I won’t ever put them through this again.

It’s your ex’s loss, OP. Not only has he lost the relationship with you but also the one with your DS. You will always have that relationship with your son, things feel terrible now but you are the lucky one. Fine, he’s off living the single life, but you get the relationship with your DS.

Hang on in there, and dont dwell on the guilt as it won’t help you at all. Things will be ok xx

Op hasn't insinuated he thought this was his dad, but if you see someone every day of your living memory and your 6 of course you're going to become attached. Op isn't wrong to have wanted a serious committed relationship within two decades of he relationship breaking down.

I would never keep contact with a step child in your circumstances…..and neither would most people….even though people say otherwise on MN, when it actually came down to it….they wouldn’t

That’s pretty bloody stone cold from your ex, I don’t blame you for being upset and angry. He’s heartless to do that imo.
I used to go out with a bloke who, before me of course, was with a woman in similar circumstances; stepdad to her child for most of their little life, and he stayed in contact after they split. Not perhaps the same way as a father, but he visited and sent presents for birthdays and Christmas.

It's very tough but I think it would be inappropriate for your ex boyfriend to be spending time alone with your child, sorry. He probably feels it would be inappropriate too.

I know it must be hurtful, but there is always a risk relationships don't work out and we need to be mindful of that when it comes to our children.

My son split with his partner of nine years recently. His daughter from his previous marriage loved her, but his ex decided she wanted nothing to do with her.
It's very sad for the child, but how would you expect them to keep in contact?

It's really tough isn't it. But at the end of the day it could be because it's too painful for DP as you will eventually move on and where will he fit then. As hard as it is now it's probably best in the long run. And don't mean to intrude but what happened for you guys to split so sudden it wasn't too clear from your post x

I know a fair few people who have kept up contact of sorts with step children. It has only been a week OP give the dust chance to settle and go from there. Did he ever say he wanted more children?

I had a similar situation.

My ds has never met his father.

But I was in a relationship with someone for 5 years.

He knew he wasn't his dad etc obviously but they had a lovely bond.

The relationship ended and it was heart wrenching to speak to my son about it.

My ex did want to see him though, and did for a while. It just slowly stopped after some time which in a way was a lot nicer?

My son is okay with it and actually now he's older he does understand.

It's hard and it is then hard to meet someone else as you don't want to put your child through it again.

I'd suggest (and this is my opinion only) that you don't get involved with someone who you want to introduce your child to until he is a lot older perhaps. Maybe use these years to spend quality time with your son etc. It doesn't mean you cannot go out and date though.

Just be careful bringing someone else into his life who may not stick around also.