Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated for DC

202 replies

sunrisesandcoffee · 25/11/2023 19:32

DC is 6 years old and has no contact with DF. I have been with my DP for 5 years so DC has looked at him as a father figure. DP treated my child as his own, constant I love yous, helping with homework. Days out, school events ect.

A week ago DP and I have an argument about what I would say is nothing and he has now left me. AIBU to be so upset that he wants no contact with my DC or is this totally normal behaviour towards a SC? It's made me look at future relationships so differently and I don't even know where to begin explaining what has happened to my 6 year old. I feel like I've been left to pick up to pieces and he's just walked away and carried on with his life.

I don't even know if I'm heartbroken myself as all I can think about is the guilt I have for bringing this man into my baby's life for him to just walk away like they didn't matter at all .

OP posts:
elkiedee · 26/11/2023 00:35

Lots of strong relationships with step parents and parents' exes have been a thing in my family. Obviously it depends a lot on the people and how and why things have happened, but I totally feel for your concerns about your son's loss here as well as your own, OP. Do you have other family and friends who can be valued adults in his life?

StolenCookie · 26/11/2023 00:38

It’s heartless and cruel to disappear from a child’s life without explanation. He could have behaved cordially for your child’s sake, even if your relationship is over. They should have had a chance to talk and say goodbye. I’m really sorry OP.

crownexchange · 26/11/2023 00:49

I think you'd have to be a pretty callous human being to walk away from a child who has been in your life from the age of 1 to 6. Of course your ex partner has no legal rights but you'd think he'd understand how devastating that would be for your DS who has only ever known him as a father figure. Presumably your exDP had some kind of emotional attachment to your son? I think it's very cruel to just walk away from him too.

WandaWonder · 26/11/2023 00:50

This thought must have come when you had this person in your child's life, he was not a replacement father

But someone you had a relationship with

Biological parents come and go into children's lives so it is the same as step parents

If this has upset you then wait till your child is grown up to bring another partner into their life

WinterWarmth · 26/11/2023 01:28

It’s horrible on both sides but he will be well aware that future contact with your DS will be completely within your control (quite rightly) and he has absolutely no rights over the child/contact could be cut at any time. You meet a new partner/he meets a new partner.

Sounds like he’s been thinking of splitting for a while if he walked out after a minor disagreement. Perhaps he stayed in the relationship for longer than he wanted to because of his feelings for your DS and feels it’s less painful to cut ties completely now he’s left you.

There’s no easy ending and he’ll still be gone from your DS’s life even with a phased withdrawal.

Was he calling him Dad?

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/11/2023 01:38

Caggers · 25/11/2023 19:34

Would you really expect an ex-boyfriend to maintain a relationship with your six year old?

A step dad for virtually his entire life who he has raised as his own yes I bloody well would expect it.

asterel · 26/11/2023 02:03

Morewineplease10 · 25/11/2023 21:01

Some really odd responses on here.
If I had a relationship with a child in a parental type of rule then I would be deeply upset not to see them again.

It may not be quite the same as a biological role but you'd still feel love and attachment - not to mention wanting to do right by the child.

This. I don’t understand it at all. Yes, a continued relationship would probably fizzle out with time, probably pretty quickly; but that would be far preferable for the child than him just disappearing one day. I don’t understand why your ex can be so callous, OP — I’m really sorry.

I also know a fair number of people who kept in touch with step-children or similar. A close friend of my father’s, call him John, say, dated a woman, Yvette, for several years way back in the 80s/90s, and she had a little boy from a previous relationship. They didn’t get married, but John formed a strong bond with the little boy, Tom, and continued to see him regularly after he broke up with Yvette. When he died, about ten years ago, he had never had any biological children of his own, so he left all his estate to Tom. (My dad was executor of the will.)

Similarly, a good friend of mine ended up with a more longstanding, and caring, relationship with her former stepdad than either of her parents. Her kids call him and his second wife Grandpa X and Granny X, and so they effectively have three sets of grandparents, but see her former stepdad and his wife most often!

I’m sorry your ex is such a consummate wanker, OP. He has treated you both awfully, stringing you and your DS along and then making off when it suited him. Men like this are morally bankrupt fuckers.

Original poster
sunrisesandcoffee · 26/11/2023 02:07

To the people blaming me for bringing this man into my child's life; this is a man I have known for almost 15 years, we have mutual friends and I already knew his family. This was not a 'stranger' I brought into my home whilst putting my own feelings first. This was someone I knew and trusted and the relationship with my dc grew naturally. I was in no way desperately trying to create a perfect family. He didn't call him dad as this is something I made very clear from the start. My dc does and always has known this man is not his biological father but this doesn't make the situation any easier, in fact it makes it harder.

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 26/11/2023 05:06

@sunrisesandcoffee Have you tried to contact him since the breakup and talk to him about your son?

Is it possible that he is under the misapprehension that you don’t want him to see your son again after breaking up with you?

Perhaps let him know that you’re ok with him continuing a relationship with your son and that you are able to be civil in order to facilitate that. Or at the very least he could say goodbye to help your son have some closure.

LuvSmallDogs · 26/11/2023 05:26

One of DH's best friends was with a woman for years and when they broke up he found not seeing the children he'd previously been living with very hard. It must have been brutal on the kids.

CocoaKate · 26/11/2023 06:58

I’m so sorry, this is understandably very upsetting for you both.

But your son has you, and you are going to need to have a lot of (probably short) courageous and empathic conversations with him. If he can have a mum who can validate his confused feelings and grief over this relationship, then that is the best you can do for him. It will show him he can trust your love for him and he’ll come out of this stronger.

Sending hugs x

ErmWhatever · 26/11/2023 07:09

I honsetly think there's something wrong in the psyche of a person who can walk away from a child after spending 5 years helping raise them full time from a baby. At the very least, an age appropriate conversation was owed to your son from this man before he left.

Ofcourseshecan · 26/11/2023 08:11

I hope you and your son are all right, OP. Your ex could have stayed in DS’s life as an uncle figure or a family friend. It sounds as if you would have been strong and caring enough to accept this. But he couldn’t be bothered.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 26/11/2023 08:24

CurlewKate · 25/11/2023 22:10

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB "People are saying that marriage is not the same as having a boyfriend. Marriage is not the same as cohabiting."

I agree. Incidentally-I'm happy to explain the difference and how to mitigate that difference to anyone who's interested. But in this case, marriage would make no difference to this heartless bastard.

If op had have insisted on marriage before she let him move in with her and her child, he would have walked away sooner, or op would have realised this wasnt going anywhere sooner, as he didn't want the commitment. He wouldnt have stolen so much of op’s time.

Candleabra · 26/11/2023 08:33

All situations are different - but I would expect there to be a strong bond with a child you’ve known and lived with since they were a baby.
I don’t think I could just cut contact and walk away.

CurlewKate · 26/11/2023 08:58

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB "If op had have insisted on marriage before she let him move in with her and her child, he would have walked away sooner, or op would have realised this wasnt going anywhere sooner, as he didn't want the commitment. He wouldnt have stolen so much of op’s time."

Wow. Such touching faith in the power of the wedding ring!

Lolarose999 · 26/11/2023 09:03

I wouldn't agree he was a spine less twat at all. He was part of the child's life, and was deeply hurt when the relationship broke down. However, he knew he needed to think of himself too, not only the child. He knew ultimately, that any contact would be down to the mercy of the mother. He also knew there would be contact to a certain extent between them, and he needed a fresh start which he couldn't have, if he stayed part of their lives. His ex partner cheated on him, and him not being able to walk away prevented healing for him.

Once the relationship ended, he spoke to the mother and asked they both speak to the child, but the mother refused and told the child, from what I'm told, not exactly in the best way.

I'm not saying I agree with everything that's happened, but I do agree that the step parent has the right to walk away for their own sanity, future relationships and needs.

RedRosie · 26/11/2023 10:06

So sorry OP. It's devastating for both of you. Don't forget yourself in this. You'll get through it together, and better days are ahead. I wish you all the best. 💐

SheTookChances · 26/11/2023 10:24

Some men walk away from their bio children seemingly very easily or see them very little, of course it’s easy for that type to walk away from children that aren’t theirs. They’re arseholes, I don’t know how they can be so unfeeling, but that’s where you are. Fuck him.

YANU to feel upset for your child but you need to keep things as good and stable as possible for him. You are his constant so he’ll be ok if you deal with this well. Acknowledge it, let him talk and ask questions if he wants to. Lots of love, cuddles and doing nice things together, but keep things consistent. He’s had a big change but if everything else stays the same and he has you, he’ll be fine.

Don’t punish yourself, it sounds like he made you think he was in this for the long term, men can be very manipulative and great liars when it suits! Learn from it though, keep any new relationship separate from your son for years!

You sound like a caring mum, you’re very aware of your sons welfare, I think you’ll both be just fine. 💐

Kitkat1523 · 26/11/2023 11:54

drowningfrowning · 25/11/2023 23:03

I would expect someone who has been a father figure for most of a child's life to have the maturity and selflessness to ease their way out of the dcs life. This sort of abandonment can scar an individual for life. Prices he never felt a thing for dc really. Sad

Show quote history

Kids are resilient…lhe will get over it….clean break is much better for both ex and DC …..life is hard ….sometimes you learn that early on

Iwasafool · 26/11/2023 22:09

Kitkat1523 · 26/11/2023 11:54

Kids are resilient…lhe will get over it….clean break is much better for both ex and DC …..life is hard ….sometimes you learn that early on

Show quote history

Makes you wonder why my husband's stepson came looking for him 20 years later. I couldn't believe a 5 year old would remember where he lived and I know his mother wouldn't have helped him find DH. Poor kid, all those years wondering why DH had just disappeared.

ZoeCM · 26/11/2023 23:57

Fascinating that so many posters are happy to call this man a cunt, heartless, cruel, etc. yet this thread isn't exactly brimming with women saying they're still close to their ex's children!

CurlewKate · 27/11/2023 04:11

".life is hard ….sometimes you learn that early on"
True. That's not generally considered a good thing, though....,

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 27/11/2023 06:56

CurlewKate · 26/11/2023 08:58

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB "If op had have insisted on marriage before she let him move in with her and her child, he would have walked away sooner, or op would have realised this wasnt going anywhere sooner, as he didn't want the commitment. He wouldnt have stolen so much of op’s time."

Wow. Such touching faith in the power of the wedding ring!

That’s not what i said at all. And you know it.

as it is, op introduced this man into her child’s life immediately. He didnt want commitment. If she had waited until he was ready to commit, as women are told on here over and over again, she would have seen he wasnt ever going to commit.

littleblackcat27 · 27/11/2023 07:00

sunrisesandcoffee · 25/11/2023 19:41

I think it's just the guilt taking over, I don't expect him to have contact with him but they really have such a great bond that I just feel so sad for my child. It's my own fault for allowing it to happen and I know that.

He's not a nice guy, Don't feel guilty as it isn't your fault that he's heartless.

Swipe left for the next trending thread