To be devastated for DC

[sunrisesandcoffee]

DC is 6 years old and has no contact with DF. I have been with my DP for 5 years so DC has looked at him as a father figure. DP treated my child as his own, constant I love yous, helping with homework. Days out, school events ect.

A week ago DP and I have an argument about what I would say is nothing and he has now left me. AIBU to be so upset that he wants no contact with my DC or is this totally normal behaviour towards a SC? It's made me look at future relationships so differently and I don't even know where to begin explaining what has happened to my 6 year old. I feel like I've been left to pick up to pieces and he's just walked away and carried on with his life.

I don't even know if I'm heartbroken myself as all I can think about is the guilt I have for bringing this man into my baby's life for him to just walk away like they didn't matter at all .

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Why would the thread be full of women talking about their stepchildren anyway?

Just have to hop over to the step parent board so see the posts about step mums having issues or just hating their step kids, wishing they would stop coming or counting down the hours till they leave. Not all but alot. Bet none of them would stay in contact or be called cunts because they would have “reasons” 😂

I helped raise my ex-DSS from 3-10, I still had contact with him for a while and would take him out once a month for dinner and a movie or something, until his mum decided she would no longer facilitate it and left it down to my ex, who used him as a pawn in his silly games. He’s soon to become an adult though and I’d love to get back in touch with him once he is, he was a huge part of my life.

You'd be a fool to allow such strong feelings to develop because in reality you may well have no choice to walk away.

I'd be interested to know how many of the people on this thread who think partners who walk away are behaving badly would support such partners automatically gaining legal rights to these children?

Because if it's so common for stepparents to stay in touch with their stepchildren, you would expect loads of women to post that they've done exactly that!

Absolutely. I don't think there has even been one.

That's heartbreaking, @Iwasafool

In the ideal post-break up world, how would their potential further relationship work?

Sending a card for Christmas? Something like an uncle? Would it remain the same later when you find someone else? Would it remain the same when he founds someone else and potentially has a child of his own?
I am afraid that attempting so and failing might be even harder on your DS.

Hmm.. Maybe if he didn't wanted to have his own children ever, but would want to play Mama Mia's "having at least a third of a child now" narrative, so he would shift to some kind of godfather mode?

If that was me and I had formed a deep bond with a child even if I split up from the parent I'd want to keep seeing the DC. Not as often but maybe once a week/fortnight. I don't understand how he could turn off his feelings for your DS overnight unless they were fake feelings to begin with.

I don't think his feelings were fake exactly, just conditional- conditional on having a relationship with the OP. Quite a lot of biological fathers have conditional feelings about their own children and this man is only the mother's partner and doesn't want children of his own.

It's sad but not surprising.

Fwiw I don't think I could live with a young child for years and not develop feelings for them so I would never put myself in the position of this happening. Too much risk of heartbreak.

My nephew and his wife broke up about 4 years ago. His wife had 2 DC from a previous relationship. They had 1 DC together. After they broke up he took all 3 DC every other weekend and 2 nights midweek. This suited all of them. The older 2 DC are grown up now but he still sees them for a meal out quite often. Last year he walked his step daughter down the aisle. The relationships he made with his step children were separate from the one he had with his ex wife. If his ex wife had died I've no doubt he would have given them a home and brought them up.

It is isn't it. That poor little boy. My husband was also damaged, we still have his favourite toy that my husband bought him that his mother didn't allow him to take. Adults can be cruel.

It is lovely to hear of adults who can make this work.

Has he actually said he wants nothing to do you with your child? It sounds like you've only split up a week ago, that's not a hugely long time not to have seen them. Once the dust settles he may still want to be in their life.

Because he’s a realist and u nderstands that the relationship will fizzle out at best and go nowhere at worst…..so better to butt out now and save his own feelings ….. easy for you to say you would want to carry on seeing the child….but life would get in the way…there would be other children….it wouldn’t work…..he did the right thing

If you don't mind me asking, why/how were you dating when you had such a tiny baby? Were you trying to find a father figure for him? Because he can have strong male role models in the community instead, with sports coaches, scout leaders and teachers.

All the people saying that this man did the right thing.. The right thing would have been to explain to this little boys mum 6 years ago that his feelings didn't run very deep so best to not complicate matters and not move in and spend years treating this child like his own whilst telling this child he loved him! I've got a stepdaughter myself.. we're friends and get on brilliantly and I care about her.. I've never once told her I love her like I do my own kids because I don't. Completely Spineless to treat a child like that, complete tosser.

It does happen though. I have a friend whose DD had a very good relationship with her step dad even after he left her mum. He treated her as his daughter though he had never been married to her DM.

That is heartbreaking op I'm so sorry. He really should have said good bye and had a talk with your son at the least. It would be nice if he'd maintain contact, but maybe that's not practical.

It will hurt, but I think cutting contact is realistically the best thing.

You are two single people. He could have similarly relationships with two more single parents in the next ten years. Would that mean he has to maintain relationships with three children of three separate exes, to whom he is no relation? If he marries someone else, do you really want your son thrust into the dynamics of her family? Do you really want every future ex you have volleying for time with your son and involving him in the lives of their future families?

I understand this must be very hard for you and your child.

That being said I can't say I wouldn't do the same. I have known my SC for 8 years and I would have no interest in carrying on the relationship if I should split with their dad, my husband.

We have children together so it's likely I'd still see them at some point but I wouldn't be going out of my way to do so.

And I do think it's rare for a step parent to genuinely feel for a step child the way they do about their own children.

Exactly this. I always think it's dumb of posters here to make out so strongly that there is no difference whatsoever for anyone involved, step parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc etc between your own children and step children. Of course there is. The massive one being that you could never see them again tomorrow if their parent left!

Zombie

I’m sorry you are going through this OP, it must be very hard to see your son having to emotionally cope with this.

I suppose the silver lining is that you didn’t go on to have children with the guy as he’s now shown his true colours about his true attachment (or not) to your son. It’s a possibility that if he had a biological child with you then your son would find himself being pushed out or treated differently and that would most likely cause him more pain than what he’s trying to process now.