To be devastated for DC

[sunrisesandcoffee]

DC is 6 years old and has no contact with DF. I have been with my DP for 5 years so DC has looked at him as a father figure. DP treated my child as his own, constant I love yous, helping with homework. Days out, school events ect.

A week ago DP and I have an argument about what I would say is nothing and he has now left me. AIBU to be so upset that he wants no contact with my DC or is this totally normal behaviour towards a SC? It's made me look at future relationships so differently and I don't even know where to begin explaining what has happened to my 6 year old. I feel like I've been left to pick up to pieces and he's just walked away and carried on with his life.

I don't even know if I'm heartbroken myself as all I can think about is the guilt I have for bringing this man into my baby's life for him to just walk away like they didn't matter at all .

I actually know someone who has a fantastic relationship with their step daughter and calls her his daughter and her children his grandchildren and sees them frequently (his whatsapp pic is of him and his grandson and daughter). Lovely guy. I can't remember how long they were together or at one point he split up with her mum but it was a really long time ago. For a while I just assumed that he was the paternal grandfather but his nearest and dearest know that technically he is the step grandfather.

Because it is normal, and more common than not, presumably. It’s more unusual and ‘odd’ to maintain those relationships. It may not be your lived experience, or something you approve of, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t normal.

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB "People are saying that marriage is not the same as having a boyfriend. Marriage is not the same as cohabiting."

I agree. Incidentally-I'm happy to explain the difference and how to mitigate that difference to anyone who's interested. But in this case, marriage would make no difference to this heartless bastard.

I know one man personally- he sees his SC every weekend- and he doesn't have children with his ex, the SC's mum. The man raised the child from they were a baby, so very similar to your situation, OP. The man doesn't have his own biological children.
I really feel for you and for your little boy. It's sad that your ex didn't love your son enough to want to continue be part of his life.

Wish you lots of strength 💪🏽 and faith in a better tomorrow.
Do your best and God will do the rest! (I'm not religious at all but believe in God and just happen to love this phrase)

Xxx

Absolutely 💯

this guy didn’t want to have a baby with you, despite him stringing you along and letting you believe he did. If he didn’t want a baby, he doesn’t want your ds either.

I don’t think you did anything wrong. You took him at his word. You ds was so young when you got together and also he doesn’t have a father in the picture - natural he would bond with this guy.

anywya luckily your ds is still very young. Kids are resilient. You tell him an age appropriate truth, distract him with fun and he can move on prettu
easily. Much more easily than you will be able to.

dont beat yourself up anyway. You acted naturally. He strung you along. Your ds will get over this.

A friend of DHs dated a girl who had a 6 year old. They were together 5 or 6 years I think, and the girl was our bridesmaid. When they split up the friend stayed in touch with the daughter and they remained in contact until she was an adult - because he was the only father figure she'd ever known.

I don't know if they're still in contact now as this was a long time ago - but obviously the adults were grown up enough to facilitate things. So it can happen - but I imagine it's the exception rather than the norm.

I think it all comes down to knowing this is NOT his child and he has no 'rights'. Depending on why you broke up also makes a difference.
Would contact be a stick to beat him with/engage with him etc. I wouldn't automatically assume he is heartless, uncaring etc. I'd wonder at the dynamics that may play out if he tried to maintain some kind of relationship. Which, lets face it, would likely have him phased out, if not ripped away when life has moved on and you have moved on and the next partner doesn't want a random guy involved in his life
Fact is, the is not his child and he is at your mercy.
Too much unknown here

I'm afraid I think the hard truth is that he played you both. People invariably stay in unhappy relationships, or put in the effort to get through the trials and tribulations, for the sake of the children they care for and love. That he was able to walk away from you so easily suggests all his "I love yous" to your child were just an act. He maybe even thought he meant them at the time but his recent actions speak much louder than his words.

So you'd be happy for him to adopt them and have equal rights to you?

I think it's sad for the child but it's really foolish of an adult to get overly attached to a child with whom contact is dependent on the whim of their partner. Same when families are criticised for not taking a step child to their hearts and treating them as a biological grandchild/nephew/cousin. All it takes is a relationship breakdown and they may never see that child again.

I'm sorry for your son OP but are you really prepared to facilitate a parent - child relationship with this man for the next 15 years.

Relationships break down all the time. It doesn't indicate "playing" on the part of either participant.
Are you seriously suggesting this guy should have stayed in an unhappy relationship for the sake of op's child??

I'm saying if he actually loved the child as much as he had convinced the OP he did then he wouldn't have found it so easy to walk out over what the OP says was a trivial matter. He was simply never emotionally invested in either op or the child to the extent he had led them to believe. So yes, he was playing them.

I think the nature approach would be to phase him out with ever decreasing frequency of little visits. That's what my friend did with her ex

Don't blame yourself. You never know how someone will be until you find out. It can happen to anyone. Hopefully your next relationship will value you and your DC more. Of course people who truly value DSC exist. I've seen it in the lives of my friends, it took some failures to find the gem but they did. Some men really step up and some are just worthless. It's really luck of the draw and not a reflection of you. I hope you are doing okay. 💜

I know plenty of people who have, at least for a while! My friend and her ex essentially 'phased him out' with quick visits with longer periods between visits as time went on.

I would expect someone who has been a father figure for most of a child's life to have the maturity and selflessness to ease their way out of the dcs life. This sort of abandonment can scar an individual for life. Prices he never felt a thing for dc really. Sad

If you think about it, it isn't really surprising. This is a man who got with a vulnerable woman with a very young baby. I say vulnerable because it is not a bit sensible to introduce someone to your infant child so fast. So his judgement was off as was yours. Clearly he sees your child as part of the package with you, so because he is no longer with you, he will no longer be with your child.

Learn from this. Take your time next time. Your child does not need a "daddy". Any man you bring into his life should not be given that kind of power.

I left my twin DC's Dad when they were 6 months old and have been single/celibate since then, with zero desire - even now that they are coming up 6 years old - to even date.

There's just no I'd risk my daughters getting attached to someone and the relationship not lasting.

And that's helpful to the OP how ? You just sound smug.

My parent and stepparent are divorcing after 20 years together and already I’m not in touch with step parent and doubt I will see them again. They gave me away at my wedding which I now deeply regret. I wish I had maintained a distance from them but unfortunately my parent pushed the relationship hard. They came to my graduation, my children call them a grandparent etc but now they are divorcing my parent they have moved on with their affair partner. I’m left picking up the pieces. I will NEVER let my own children get super attached to a step parent for this reason. 9/10 times it’s not unconditional despite what people say and when they move on from your parent they usually drop you or it becomes too uncomfortable. I wish my parent hadn’t tried to force the parent role on them and on me. It was really selfish.

Realistically, what could he do? He has no rights. Presumably you don't want to see each other? Would you really be letting a man who isn't the father have access to your child? It's tough for you and your son now. But imagine in a few years time, you've met someone else, and then you just have to explain how a random ex sees your son. It would just be weird.

It might seem devastating for you and your son now, but he'll forget soon enough.

That’s the thing, imagine having to keep your ex in your life for the next 12 years? That’s hard enough when it’s your own kids never mind when it isn’t

Sorry but your partner is a spineless twat to prioritise the theoretical feelings of theoretical future partners over the feelings of children he’d been a father figure to for SEVEN YEARS. The fact he can just walk away like that would be ringing huge alarm bells for me about his suitability as a potential father. I’d think very carefully before having children with a man who’s already proven he can walk away without a backwards glance.

Sorry to hear this. It seems like once you broke up he also broke up with you and your son. I can imagine it is painful on his side just as it is for you and your son. Have you spoken to your ex about this at all or are you not in contact? I can imagine this is painful for him too. Maybe he would still want to see your son and allow a slower transition out of his life so it isn't so sudden for your child. If he cares enough about him he will do it. It is a sad situation. (Not read any posts so sorry if this has been mentioned)

I’m so sorry about what you are going through. It breaks my heart your story. I hope you have family and friends to support you and your child. Also, try to get some help from the school’s mental advisor or whatever is called. 6 years old is a delicate age and they should tell you how to handle it. Good luck and your love towards your child is enough to get through this. Don’t let your guild ruin this. You are human and it is normal to get emotionally involved with someone after 5 years and let your DC in.
p.s. As Christmas is approaching maybe do something different than last year (DC won’t remember before that), create new memories without the DP.