To be devastated for DC

[sunrisesandcoffee]

DC is 6 years old and has no contact with DF. I have been with my DP for 5 years so DC has looked at him as a father figure. DP treated my child as his own, constant I love yous, helping with homework. Days out, school events ect.

A week ago DP and I have an argument about what I would say is nothing and he has now left me. AIBU to be so upset that he wants no contact with my DC or is this totally normal behaviour towards a SC? It's made me look at future relationships so differently and I don't even know where to begin explaining what has happened to my 6 year old. I feel like I've been left to pick up to pieces and he's just walked away and carried on with his life.

I don't even know if I'm heartbroken myself as all I can think about is the guilt I have for bringing this man into my baby's life for him to just walk away like they didn't matter at all .

My DCs are still in touch with their stepmum 8 years after she and XH split. She is a particularly amazing woman and a fabulous role model so I’m glad about that.

I think it's awful. My dh is like a dad to my dd and has known them for 75% of their life. I can't imagine him not being part of their life.

My exh married another woman after me and had a step dd and a bio dd. Both have always been treated equally and when they split up he saw and paid maintenance for both children.

Just out of interest. Any step mothers on here who have maintained a relationship with step children after their relationship with the father broke down?

That is so sad and so heartbreaking and confusing for your child. What a complete arse this man is. So sorry this man duped you into thinking he wanted to be part of your family xxx

Well even all those years later he cared about the little boy who was now a young man so he wouldn't do it.

I'm so sorry things ended like that for you and your boy.
There are 3 men in my close family who have stood by children they raised when the relationship went wrong, good people do exist!
I hope you eventually find the right person to add to your family 🩵

If he cared about them as much as he said he did

So-are people saying that if the op and this man were married it would be different? Seriously? In 2023?

Considering the bond that your ex and your ds had I can understand why you feel upset.
To be honest I’d expect there to be some form of contact for your ds sake as he’s been part of his life for such a long time.

I realise this is very upsetting and confusing for your son now but in the long term would you really see yourself being happy if this man wanted to play happy families with your son when he has apparently spent the last few years openly telling you lies . Hardly a role model I’d want for my child .

Oh no this sounds really hard for you. You can't control how he acts, it will only lead to misery. The only thing you can do now is to give him the break up he wants. Don't contact him. Focus on you and your child. Treat yourselves, get yourselves in a really good place. He might realise what he's thrown away but that will be his business. He wasted all those years for you so it's good that this happened while you've still got some years left to have more kids. It was out of the blue for you but something he has obviously been thinking about for a while.

I don’t know why everyone thinks it’s normal to walk away from a child you’ve raised for 4yrs and told you love them daily. I personally couldn’t do that, piece of paper that said I was married and it was my step child or not. You read them stories, put them to bed, cuddle them when they are sick. Then walk away. Why does everyone think that’s normal and OP shouldn’t expect anything different? It’s absolutely shitty behaviour. Not because he has a legal obligation, but because he claimed to love this kid and must know this child is feeling lost and confused. It’s why I’ve not had any relationships since I split with DS2 and DD’s dad. I let someone into DS1’s life and it ended up much worse than this situation, and I’ll never forgive myself either. Kids are nearly all grown up now, maybe then I’ll find a relationship for myself. But I’m happy. Sending a big hug OP.

My DSis was in a relationship with someone who had children. When they separated, she was v sad to lose contact with the kids but felt it best to walk away, on the basis that (1) ex would probably meet someone else and (2) children woukd be confused by too many of Dad's partners being in their lives

My partner split up with the mother of his stepchild 12 years ago, when his stepchild was just 12. He had been in his life for 9 years. He maintained contact, although it was hard at times. They have a really good relationship now, and see each other regularly. Just to say it can be done.

That is brutal. I certainly couldn’t just walk out on a child I’d seen every day from 10m at that age. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the OP to have expected something more here. No wonder she feels sad for her little boy. After that length of time there will clearly be an attachment and bond as it will be all he’s ever known.

I think step parents that keep contact with step children after a breakup are generally ones that have been around their whole lives and the kids are now adults. So they can maintain a separate relationship with the step dad that doesn’t involve their mum.

People are saying that marriage is not the same as having a boyfriend. Marriage is not the same as cohabiting. We need this said over and over again. Women need to stop believing cohabiting is the same as marriage.

thread after thread of women being shafted by men they are and were living with. The men wouldnt have been better with marriage but the women wouldnt be so frequently shafted.

Some men are heartless bastards.
Hope your dc is ok OP.

No he's not a twat, some people prefer to taik it off while others prefer a clean cut. And it also depends on how the relationship with OP ended. Concluding he is a twat is ridiculous.

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB

A marriage certificate would make no difference in this situation. He would have still been the arsehole who spent years raising a child, telling that child he loved them and then walked away.. What would being married do to change that.

That's awful. I'm so sorry to hear that. How can someone say "I love you" all the time to a child for four years, as well as being involved in their life in lots of other ways and then walk away? It defies belief. I'm really sorry for your ds and you. Did you have no inkling that he could be like this when you were in a relationship with him? I guess some people are good at compartmentalising. I can't understand it though. Sending you and your ds lots of love 💗

I have contact with 1 stepmother who broke up with my father 40 years ago.
It's not a heavy contact but there are Christmas wishes and Birthday greetings.

2nd stepmother my brother continued to live with her for 1 year after she and our father divorced. She kept contact with us all the first 5 years after the divorce (I was an adult at this point) however had a mental health issue for many years and during this, our contact stopped. I keep in contact with her daughter and very occasionally her daughter passes messages from her mum. (always hoping we are well)

My dad kept contact with the son of 2nd stepmother (Dauther was not interested but was a young adult when they divorced whereas her son was only a young teen) dad still gets phone calls from this x stepson about once a month. he is now a man with children of his own.

My dad's last wife died after 8 years of marriage. (i think 12 years ago now) Dad still has contact with her 2 children who were both in their 30s when they married. daughter comes to stay once a year.

My friend has her stepson full-time. His mother died in an accident and when she and her x parted Stepson remained with her and never moved with his dad.

Ds best friend calls the man who is his stepdad for dad and he has stood up for him and his brother who is not his biological children more than once when their mum was unable to. First time he was left with 5 children his 3 with their mum and the 2 boys. One of the school parents said to him "Why don't you tell her to come collect her two?" and he replied " Because they are my children's siblings and I love them and "I" am their dad" And yes... Yes, he is their dad.

My friend had her x stepdaughter as a bridesmaid when she got married for the 3rd time they are still close. She was in her life for 12 years from age 3 or 4 and they kept in close contact after.

Lastly slightly different but my mother died 8 years ago. My stepdad has been in my life since I was 5. He is still in my life and my sibling's lives. My children call him Grandad. As he is their grandad. Mum's death didn't change that.

This is true but but to put another slant on it you would think that the relationship with her DC would be another reason to stay over what seemingly is a stupid argument according to OP. Poor kid.

I mean I'd go one step further and call him a c*nt.

My BIL is a diamond amongst men. Before he was with my sister he was in a relationship with a woman with 3 children. They separated I think about 7 years ago. He still classes then as “his kids” and has a great relationship with all 3 of them