To be devastated for DC

[sunrisesandcoffee]

DC is 6 years old and has no contact with DF. I have been with my DP for 5 years so DC has looked at him as a father figure. DP treated my child as his own, constant I love yous, helping with homework. Days out, school events ect.

A week ago DP and I have an argument about what I would say is nothing and he has now left me. AIBU to be so upset that he wants no contact with my DC or is this totally normal behaviour towards a SC? It's made me look at future relationships so differently and I don't even know where to begin explaining what has happened to my 6 year old. I feel like I've been left to pick up to pieces and he's just walked away and carried on with his life.

I don't even know if I'm heartbroken myself as all I can think about is the guilt I have for bringing this man into my baby's life for him to just walk away like they didn't matter at all .

Well then you've chosen the desire for another child over the stability you had for your son..

OP have you told him he can see your DC without you? Legally he has no rights over him so may not know how to ask. If he doesn't it's his loss but it he does it's may something to consider.

I have and it worked very well. It was a loving lasting relationship. I’m surprised at everyone on here saying it never happens. Because it does. There are all sorts of surprising combinations of people out there that call themselves families. Very sad that it doesn’t seem to be going to happen for op’s DS. P

My ex stayed in touch with my child after we separated, also 6 at the time. The contact has tailed off a little in recent months due to working away but it’s still there a couple of years on.

200% what @SnowFir and Cher’s dad says!

If they don’t want to continue a relationship with a SC then good riddance

@Caggers "Would you really expect an ex-boyfriend to maintain a relationship with your six year old?"

Well-if he's been step father for 5 years then yes I bloody would!

@sunrisesandcoffee my ex did this. Been with him 3 years, had taken on a dad role at his own choice with my dd and then ghosted me for no reason. Walked out one Sunday and never heard of again.

On the other hand my dsc from when I was with dd's dad are still very much family, appear any tine they are home to see me especially wheb their dad brings dd home. I walked away from their dad. Never them!!

Some people just have weird attitudes towards kids that aren't their own

I hear you. My DH has always said he would want to still see my DS if we split. In fact he has (only half jokingly) said he would want DS to live with him.

Your DP doesn't sound good enough to be in your son's life.

Many 'actual fathers' are useless deadbeats who walk away too, it has to be said. Like this poor child's original excuse for one.

He told your child told “I love you,” but he has left without a proper explanation.
That is not the behaviour of someone who feels genuine love.
So it is understandable to feel duped, disappointed, even angry.
But your child still has their most important person - you.
Your relationship is the key, the foundation. Now is the time to focus and strengthen it.

This happened to a close friend of mine - the ex boyfriend raised her child from age 2 to age 12. Walked away and never saw the child again.

I find myself now divorced with 2 year olds and it very much puts me off having another relationship because this would break my heart for my children if I bought someone into their lives who then did this

Unfortunately it does seem to be common behaviour, I find it pretty heartless.
My dad's wife (I'm no contact with my mum) was by my side when I give birth and my son called her nanny for 11 years. When she split with my dad she cut my son out of her life like he meant nothing.. It's been 10years and I still passionately hate her. Horrible bitch.
All you can do is give your son all the love in the world and try and help him understand that it isn't his fault. When it's age appropriate then explain to him that some people are horrible arseholes.

I think what you are feeling is understandable but ultimately unreasonable.
If your former partner was desperate to maintain a relationship with your child (and your child did too) but you objected, he would have no rights to one.

Say he did come around to visit your son, and he really annoyed you on those visits, and you, very quickly fell in love, married and had another baby with a wonderful new man. Are you really telling me you wouldn’t (at best) let the time between the visits stretch out, hopping it ultimately fizzles out?

Step parents are constantly told they are ‘not the parent’ - and they aren’t, for good and bad.

He has no ‘right’ to a relationship with your son, bar what you allow and you would presumably not give him that legal right over your son so it’s completely unfair of you to expect him to act as though he does. You want it to assuage your guilt and sorrow for the loss your son will be feeling, which is completely understandable, but entirely unreasonable.

I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, just that I haven’t personally ever encountered it, and that it wouldn’t be something I’d expect.

I think maintaining a stepparent/stepchild relationship is far more uncommon.

How you're feeling is completely normal OP.

You've realised the "love" he had for your child wasn't love. Because if it was, he'd want some contact, even if that was an hour once a month. It hurts to know he wasn't genuine with either of you.

I'm so sorry this has happened, you weren't to know. The only thing I will say, is kids are extremely resilient. And whilst your son will feel the loss, he will also likely get over it. He's also very lucky to have a caring mum.

This is horrific. I am so sorry you and your son went through this.

I have a 4yo whose father left not long after they turned 1. In the nicest way possible, if I am honest, jumping straight into another relationship with another man and having them become a regular part of a child's life at that age would not have happened for me. In fact I've stayed single thus far for the most part, because I have no desire for something similar to happen. I wouldn't do introductions for at least a year, but more likely a hell of a lot longer, and I wouldn't be allowing the 'stepdad' stereotype carry on for a long time either.

I think it might be an idea to stay single a while now and maybe not rush it and allow such seriousness the next time.

What if he wanted access and you didn’t?

I had that in a very similar situation. I told him if he didn’t want me then his relationship with my DC was over too.

you just need to keep going and get through it OP, hard, take it slowly and be kind to yourself 💐

You broke up because he didn't want to commit to you. All these people referring to him as stepdad. He wasnt. He didnt want that commitment.

he wanted the benefit if a family without the commitment if a family.

Sorry op it is heartless but it’s what men tend to do. Not all men AND some women of course. I’ve know a stepfather raise a child from a baby to 18 who has cut all contact once split. This was a man who was considered a father. I would never ever let a man who wasn’t their father get super close to my children. You can date but do not play happy families because there is a high chance they won’t actually give a shite.

I can't imagine being in a child's life since they were 10 months old and caring enough about them to tell them you love them, and then...nothing. I'm sorry OP.

Your ex partner didn't want to move house, didn't want commitment, didnt want to get married, didn't want a child with you -- and yet you're surprised he doesn't want contact with your son?

I think you've been rather naive, OP, but I think you know that

Your son will be fine I'm sure. It'll be tough for a while but you've learned a lot from this

Also just to add OP I'd advise going forward to not let any future boyfriends/step grandparents get so involved with your son.. like you my son has never met his dad.. I got married when my son was 13 and I've kept my surname (my son has my surname) My husband has a daughter., we all get on great including the wider family but I don't even use the term step parents/ step grandparents. The way I see it now is that I'm my son's family.. The rest will hopefully be around forever but I don't feel it will be as devastating if not.
My son is 21 now and luckily seems unaffected, very smart/confident/happy.
Like I said in PP just be there for your son, as long as he has you as a permanent fixture he'll be fine.. It's your ex partners loss, wanker behaviour.

He told me he did want all of these things and has done for the past few years until it was time to follow them through. Yes, I've been very naive.

I understand what you’re saying. You are looking at it from your child’s point of view. If your child was older it would be easier to understand. But he was literally in his life from a baby. It’s going to be a loss for you too. It’s better you found out about the lack of commitment now. My children are older but I don’t plan to live with anyone until they are adults.