To be devastated for DC

[sunrisesandcoffee]

DC is 6 years old and has no contact with DF. I have been with my DP for 5 years so DC has looked at him as a father figure. DP treated my child as his own, constant I love yous, helping with homework. Days out, school events ect.

A week ago DP and I have an argument about what I would say is nothing and he has now left me. AIBU to be so upset that he wants no contact with my DC or is this totally normal behaviour towards a SC? It's made me look at future relationships so differently and I don't even know where to begin explaining what has happened to my 6 year old. I feel like I've been left to pick up to pieces and he's just walked away and carried on with his life.

I don't even know if I'm heartbroken myself as all I can think about is the guilt I have for bringing this man into my baby's life for him to just walk away like they didn't matter at all .

Your own fault!! No, you have done nothing wrong. Why wouldn't you want another person showing love and consideration and giving time to your child? I also know 2 separate people (urgh, men) who were step parents and maintained relationships with step children for years after splitting with their mothers. Many biological fathers walk away also.
This is sad for your son. Let him grieve, be honest with him, lots of cuddles and reassurances from you.
Much ❤️

I agree.

It’s a shit thing to do to a child. While I get that it’s a complicated and probably difficult situation for the two of you, it still says a lot about someone if they can easily walk away from a child.

Fwiw, my dad had a girlfriend for about 6 years when I was maybe 10-16. They broke up and both moved on to other relationships. My dad then died when I was 18. I’m NC with my mum now and my dad’s been dead for over 20 years. I’m in my 40s now, but my dad’s girlfriend still checks in with me a few times a year. I’ve actually had her in my life almost longer than I’ve had both my parents.

This is odd to me op and I'm not surprised you are upset.

My now husband met my eldest when she was a baby and he has always loved and cared for her as his own, even when we had other dc. He would tell anyone that he has x y z dc and always included her without thought as to him that's his daughter no matter about dna.
We separated for a short while about 4 years in to our relationship and he still maintained a relationship with her as his daughter.
Now it's like it's always been. No one knows any different and we are just a family with a mum and dad and kids who are ours. No step or anything.

My husband has adopted my eldest now but I know even if he hadn't and we separated he would carry on being her dad.

I have a niece who is not biologically related to me but is a child of my brothers former partner.

I have a sister who has completely different parents.

Family is not dna or blood.

I think your ex has massively let your son down.

If OP and ex had adopted a baby, I expect most people would judge him for walking out. From her son’s perspective, this is no different.

I have a friend still in contact with her stepmum after dad remarried again. Admittedly, they had children so there are half sisters. However another friend continued to live with stepdad after he and mum separated and there were no siblings.

You sound like you have an amazing family!

I understand why you are upset. He was in your son’s life for 5 out of 6 years and he will be all your son has ever known. I would be upset too in this position.

If your ex didn’t want commitment then it’s not surprising that he didn’t want to stay in touch with your son but it’s also awful for your son.

If your son was older it might be easier to stay in touch as they could call / message each other but in your situation it’s maybe just best to have a clean break and avoid further upset for your son.

My husband wasn't allowed to see his 5 year old stepson to even just say goodbye. He used to send him Christmas and birthday presents but a friend said they rewrapped and he was told they were from his mum.

Lovely young man turned up at the door one day. It was the stepson as he wanted to know why he had no contact with DH. It was difficult as DH didn't want to cause issues between the stepson and his mum so he just said he and the mum had decided it was for the best. They spent a few hours together, stepson was getting married and wanted to tell DH about his life.

It was sad but I suppose you'd say it was closure.

This is hard, and I feel for you OP. I think that if an adult puts themselves into a child’s life then that’s a commitment that they can’t just walk away from like your man seems to have done. Leaving you both, and leaving you to pick up the pieces and do all the explaining, is poor form.

My stepfather from age 3 to age 10 when r and my mum split had a meeting with me and my brothers after the initial aftermath to say goodbye/ bring closure in a child appropriate way.

Never saw him again. Just accepted it as what it was.

I did have a dad I saw at weekends so it wasn't like I was seeking an alternative father though.

@Iwasafool That’s so sad. He’s better than I would have been as I’d find it hard not to tell the truth.

I only know one person who maintains a relationship with a step child since separation and they had a bio child with that ex so just took both like always.

Honestly you can’t expect an ex to treat a child that’s not theirs as if they where after a split, maybe 1% of people would but to pay for, do visitation. Explain to a new partner that oh no sorry can’t do that because my ex’s child comes over Saturdays is just too much. No they are not mine but Yano.

How many women would put up with a partner prioritising an ex’s child over date nights and holidays? Becoming a nearly kind of step mum to a child that anit even their partners. Most women don’t even like their partner’s biological children that much let alone what would basically be a random kid.

He was never a Step-Parent. Marriage would have meant he was that. It sounds awful but your DS was his current girlfriend’s son. And that has allowed him to up and leave on a whim never to be seen again. I really feel for you and your child. Your DS must be so confused.

Some really odd responses on here.
If I had a relationship with a child in a parental type of rule then I would be deeply upset not to see them again.

It may not be quite the same as a biological role but you'd still feel love and attachment - not to mention wanting to do right by the child.

After all those years of playing a parental rôle in your child’s life, I don’t think it’s remotely odd or unreasonable to imagine that your partner would treat that relationship with love, integrity and honour. I’m really sorry it’s turned out this way.

I am so sorry for you and I really hope you don't bear any burdens of guilty feelings over this. My stepmum and I maintain contact despite my dad being dead for 9 years. She's a very nice woman and treats my DD and her grandchild despite having numerous other GC. My dad regarded her children (all grown up when we met) as his own and put them in his will as equal to his bio children.

It definitely can be done and I would regard it as odd not to have contact

I do but:

1. The child has to be old enough to maintain the relationship themselves. This means they are 13+, and,
2. There is minimal to no animosity between the parent and the former step-parent.

You got together with a new man when you had literally just broken up with your child’s dad. Please please, please don’t get into another relationship now just because you’re afraid to be alone. Put your kid first.
It would be unfair of your ex partner to stay in his life and confuse him.

After my ex partner and I split up , he continued to see my children regularly for the next fifteen years until he died . Nobody considered it unusual , they all loved each other .

It's a shame so many posters think this is not what they'd expect a stepdad to do , nor what they'd want to do either .

But that id what people are saying. It should have been time to follow through before he started playing the role of father.

That’s why you should think carefully who you let into a kids life. Starting a new relationship and allowing a man into your 10 month old babies life isn’t good at all.

I can definitely understand your sadness OP. However, at the age of 5 he is very adaptable and there is every likelihood in the future you will meet someone else and feelings could get very complicated if your Ex was still hanging around, both for you and your DC.

Exactly as Reugny says. Older children make their own choices
For younger kids, if the bio parent - usually the mother - cuts all contact there's nothing a step parent can do. They have zero rights. It's hard enough keeping contact when the courts enforce it or there's a biological link - a step parent has no chance. So I'm sorry for your child OP but the ex has no real choice in this.

@sunrisesandcoffee thank you.

Don't take to heart the responses you get on here. Most people in MN seem to hold the view that families are always nuclear and if you are a single mother you must never get into a relationship again and live a nun like existence. Also that you should only ever love and care for your family that are biological and anyone else is disposable. It's a wonder there is no village anymore.

I think it's pretty rotten, he could if he had the milk of human kindness, maintain a relationship with him on a lower level, or withdraw with lots of care and consideration.